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you don't know shit about pavlov

think you know shit about palvlov, well you don't moron. you're a fucking moron when it comes to pavlov. i'm about to drop some pavlov knowledge on your ass, pay attention. asshole.

you know how your cat starts being all twerky when the can opener starts? pavlov noticed that shit with dogs instead, now he's a genius. but there's more to the story, asshole, read on.

one of pavlov's most big belifs was that free will is an illusion. basicly, that we all just basic little bitches responding to external stimuli and shit. now i know what you're thinking: this pavlov guy is a bitch. guess what, this pavlov guy gots a nobel prize, you just got your dick in your hand, son.

(even girls can win nobel prizes?!?)

open up your fifth grade science textbook in the back to look up pavlov's page. you'll see a drawing of a dog who looks smarter than you slobbering at a bell. pavlov didn't use no damn bell, he used a metronome. tick tock textbook asshole .... YA BLASTED!

pavlov connected a point in the lower brain (bottom part) hearing the metronome sound(sciencccce) to an association in the tophat part of the brain. the tophat part is where the dog recorded his feelings about the metronome like a whiny little bitch with a journal that has butterflies and gay shit on the cover. this proved that dogs' brains are basic little bitches.

other scientists thought the brain was all mysterious and shit, pavlov served them their assholes on a plate. they ate their own assholes up, nom nom nom. from how he did this came a method for all science forever, and even now scientists have to pay him royalties, i'm guessing a nickel on every science dollar they make.

when pavlov was almost old this dostoyevsky fuck tried to mack on his future wife by writing a book "the brothers karasmazov" where a character that was him (duh x 1000) was an asshole who lost the girl.  pavlov was like, fuck you, and married her anyway.  dostyoevsky felt like an asshole with a spider on it, which he was. pavlov rule #1, you mess with pavlov, you get the horns!

for the second part there was pavlov's experiments.  pavlov removed several parts of dogs' digestive systems, throat, stomach pancreas, shit like that, and replaced them with a "fistula". duder had to make up new words for the sick shit he was doin' to dogs! when a dog ate some food, the food would fall out a hole in the fistula, but he could still collect that dog gastric juice for dem rubles. SAAA WHAAA? , dat's right he a russian mothafucka! your first clue was that his first name was ivan, dipshit!

(giphy didn't have any gifs for fistula)

pavlov was a scientist second, and a pimper of dog gastric juice frist. in 1904, he sold more than three thousand bottles of dog gastric juice. that shit was a treatment for dyspepsia, aka indigestion aka tummy aches. duder made peptobysmol out of dog slobber! i shit you not! the main focus of his research was how to keep dem hooker ass dogs alive longer, and get more gastric juice out of their hooker asses, with less hooker food.  the real headline here is that they make peptobysmol out of dog slobber juice and pink stuff.

(giphy didn't have hooker dogs either)

when the communists took over russia, pavlov won a nobel prize for hurting those dogs for science. the communists were like, nah, we keeping that nobel prize money. you on our turf now science bitch, we own all yo money. around about this time a third of his colleagues at the academy of russian sciences and shit died of starvation and cold. the communists didn't give five tater tot sized shits about them. but pavlov was real smart and sneaky, and grew potatoes at his lab like it was an experiment or some shit.

pavlov was like: fuck this shit, i'mma go take a dump in other countries with my golden butthole. but lennin was like: this science bitch is famous, we ain't lettin' him go, give this asshole some dog money and labs and shit. so now it was back on.

lennin be like: asshole make me propaganda, and pavlov was like: with science we gonna be masters over human nature and prolatariat and shit. lennin was like: word, here are hundreds of scientists have fun with science.

now, when pavlov was bored with the dogs, he drowned their asses in a big water tank. after one weekend of chillin' he came back to his lab, and found one of the tanks hadn't been filled all the way.  there were two inches of air, and two ninja ass dogs had treaded water for their lives for the entire weekend. pavlov had nuts of steel, so he didn't feel bad.

these ninja dogs amazed him, they had lost all their pavlovian conditioning, which he gave them by setting down conditions and bedtimes and time outs. they no longer got slobber boners at the can opener sound. to crack this mystery, pavlov scared the fuck out of dogs for the rest of his natural life. lennin gave him a shit ton of laboratories and scientists to help him scare the shit out of literally a thousand tons of dogs. but he never figured out why almost killing dogs made them lose their shit, and he died.  so did most of the dogs. 

the end.


this is mostly taken from an article in the new yorker:
"Drool - Ivan Pavlov's real quest" by Michael Specter
and from an aside taken during a speech,
"the psychology of human misjudgement" by Charlie Munger

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Comment by JJJ23 on September 5, 2017 at 12:07am

Good. This is good.

Comment by mellowpuma on August 28, 2017 at 6:07am

you're right, the part about the dogs surviving drowning  for several days and losing all their conditioning was boring as hell.

Comment by Rotwang on August 27, 2017 at 5:19pm






It's hard to beat the king, baby.

Comment by mellowpuma on August 25, 2017 at 6:40pm

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