Comedy Whirled

I Would Like To Have Sex With Shakira

Dear Friends,

I am a virgin.  I would like to have sex with a girl.  This is the girl I would like to have sex with,

 

her name is Shakira.  My friend works in her building and he told her about me because I am single.  She is friendly and you can find her email online, so I sent this picture

 

 

 

 

and said it was me and my friends.  I said I am the man with the striped swimsuit but I'm not, I just wanted her to think I am hot.  I am working out with this machine

 

 

called the Ab Roller which really makes me sore!  But I think it is working.  I use this in my DAILY!! shower

 

 

and scrub myself very good.  If I am too vigorous, it causes hair loss, so I recommend to use it gently in private areas so to not to look patchy.  I want to stay extremely clean because I have these

 

 

 

as a surprise for her.  My plan is to take her to dinner to a nice restaurant, but it must be affordable, so I am planning on TGI Fridays, but advice for what restaurants girls like is helpful.  But no Appleby's!!  LOL, I'm not that lame!

 

 

After dinner I will bring her to my apartment, which I have cleaned and put fresh flowers

 

 

 

 

by the tv.  I will buy wine for her, but I will have to make a choice, but I'm not sure which kind girls like better, so these are my choices, either this

 

 

 

 

or this

 

but I don't know which flavor girls like best.  Advice on which flavor is helpful.  I have rented a movie,

 

 

 

 

 

that we can cuddle to and watch.  I have not seen it, but it is supposed to be good.  Hopefully at some point during the movie I can make my move.  But my problem is that I don't know what my move should be, or what to say.  I mean, how do you ask Shakira (OMG!)

 


to go to bed with you!!  I'm going to do it though, wish me best of luck!

 

Thank you for reading my blog.  And thank you for any advice about girls you can offer.

Best Wishes,

Jesus

 

 

 

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Comment by Rotwang on January 18, 2011 at 4:22pm

All of the other comments are wrong; bad advice.

 

What Shakira needs is FATS, SALTS, and CARBOHYDRATES.  That's what will "turn her on".  (More like, "that's what will keep her alive". ) I mean, look at her.  She's like a colorized version of the holocaust.

Call her and say "hey baby, I've got a multivitamin and chicken noodle soup, come on over." Instant pussy.  You're welcome.

 

 

 

Comment by mellowpuma on January 18, 2011 at 2:49pm

Shakira, huh ... that's a tough one.  I've reviewed your plan, and it seems rock solid, except for one thing ... it lacks "finesse".   How to make your move ... excellent question.  You'll be glad you asked me that.   Also, later you'll want to high five me until you break my arm off.  For reals bro.  No seriously, just stay cool though, and keep reading.

I suggest that you invent a "passion of the christ" drinking game. I haven't seen the movie, but here's a drinking game I invented: you watch  the 70's kung fu movie "Crippled Masters" where every time somebody gets hit by a stump, you take a drink.  My advice: everytime sombody disses christ in his face, and/or totally cock blocks him, you have to friggin' chug!

Seriously, your only chance here is to get Shakira super duper drunk. Then dry hump and grope her, but in a gentilemanly way.  Also, you need to act as if you don't really feel like doing  it, but you feel like doing her the favor of touching her boobies and junk with your weiner.  Also, you might want to roofie her drink with female viagra.  You can get a free trial of female viagra online.  Also, you don't want her to think you're a homo, so have posters of women in bikini's hanging on the wall to prove your non-homoness.  Lots of porno mags in the bathroom are also a must.  When proving to a hot babe with awesome jugs that you aren't a homo, there is no ceiling to the proof that you should be willing to provide.  These pictures of hot women will also reinforce her insecurities, which brings me to the next feather in the cap of your babe trapping trap.

Many girls like it when you treat them like crap. Here's why: the concept of "safe disintrest".  If you act like you like them and all, they are all like "whatever". But if you reinforce their natual insecurities by being really mean to them, you relieve them of the burden of being mean to themselves.   And they thank you with oral.  Bro, you probably don't even realize what a solid I am doing here by telling you this. So, find out what she doesn't like about herself, and constantly make fun of that thing, but in a charming gentilemanly way. 

Also, let her know that you mean business with a candy dish full of condoms on the coffie table.  Go to a truck stop and get some of those really weird condoms they have in the bathroom to spice up the variety.  I suggest either the one with barbs on the side or a french tickler.  Glow in the dark condoms are only cool if you have a blacklight and weed.

Also, let her know that she has some competition for access to your genitals.  Get a "little black book" and fill it up with sexy sounding names and phone numbers, and leave it beside the trucker condom filled candy dish.  Also make drawings of their boobs next to their names to let her know that you appreciate quality.

Remember that girls are attracted to your pherimones, and that your pherimones are the stink that comes off of your junk.  So don't be a wimp, get your junk really stinky, and don't shower.  Remember, your stink gets you in the pink. 

I really shouldn't be giving away all these awesome tips for free.  You should pay me like 500 dollars or give me some awesome weed for this.  Dude you totally owe me now.  It's like I just gave you all my classic Dave Matthews Band CD's for free!  But listening to your story made me all sad that you are such a retard when it comes to women, so I'm giving you my awesome tips for free. You're welcome.  All I ask is that you spank Shakira once on the pooter for me.  Again, you're welcome.

Comment by Donairs on January 18, 2011 at 12:01pm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For drinks, might I suggest Kelly's: A sweet sippin' wine with a touch of the old barnely. You can only get it in eastern Canada, so you'll be able to impress her with your exotic collection of obscure wines. Not only that, it has a very unique flavor -- you might say it's like kitten rape in liquid form with a generous splash of vomit. So you can further impress her by saying it's an acquired taste. And what's more, it has a screw off top for easy access and a 20% alcohol content to get her drunk.

 

Hope this helps.

Comment by bigjas on January 18, 2011 at 11:20am
my advice would be Rohypnol and lots of it
Comment by Ian on January 18, 2011 at 1:22am

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