Comedy Whirled

Brian Williams Offers Second Apology for Yet Another, Albeit Messier, 'Fake' Story

NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of Wednesday’s scandal involving inflated recollections of his wartime reporting in Iraq, NBC’s Brian Williams today has issued a second apology to a surprising recipient: His own mother.

An unnamed source reports that Williams’ epiphany regarding the events surrounding an RPG striking a helicopter – one in which he claimed to be a passenger – and the subsequent questioning of his version of events by soldiers who were present at the time of the attack, left him feeling uneasy about another claim he made years prior.

That claim, says the source, was written in a Mother’s Day card and letter sent to his mother, in which, among other questionable assertions, Williams takes credit for giving birth to himself. It is unclear at this time whether he meant he physically gave birth to his own body, or if, perhaps through some strange paradox of the Space-Time Continuum, he was the attending physician present for his own birth.

Details of the letter’s contents are scant at this time, but according to the source, Williams’ mother was always troubled by not only their inconceivability, but also the graphic details of particular sights, sounds, and even smells of the day’s events. “He was talking about her, you know, ‘down there area.’ Who wants to think about that, much less express it? I know there are sites like that on the internet and all, but come on.”

Williams’ full apology reads as follows:

"To Dorothy May and all those who have wondered: You are absolutely right and I was wrong. In fact, I spent much of the weekend thinking I’d gone crazy. I feel terrible about making this mistake, especially since I found my OWN WRITING about the incident from back in ‘08, and I was indeed birthed from my mother’s vagina, assisted by a fully trained and licensed Obstetrician, just like every other baby of which I have ever known. Because I have no desire to fictionalize my experience (the doctor and nurses saw it happened the first time) and no need to dramatize events as they actually happened, I think the constant viewing of the video showing us inspecting the impact area [Editor’s Note: It is unclear if any video actually exists, and while it appears as though he is referring to his mother’s vagina as “the impact area,” that just can’t be right, because, Dear God.] — and the fog of memory over 56 years — made me conflate the two, and I apologize. Nobody’s trying to steal anyone’s valor. Quite the contrary: I was and remain a son and journalist covering the stories of those who volunteered for childbirth. This was simply an attempt to thank Dorothy, our hospitals, and mothers everywhere — those who have Lamazed, pushed, cut umbilical cords, and cleaned up piles of slippery afterbirth while I did not.

I hope you can forgive me. My memory has been a bit shaky at times ever since sustaining head trauma in the Hindenburg disaster.”

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Comment by mellowpuma on February 16, 2015 at 4:35am

all's fair in love and war. doubly so if you love war.  then it's all good.  whatever baby.  yeah.  

Comment by Ian on February 6, 2015 at 4:43pm

"There is no one who does not exaggerate. In conversation, men are encumbered with personality, and talk too much. " ~Ralph Where's Waldo Emerson

Comment by Ryan on February 5, 2015 at 9:36pm

*Keith Morrison sticks his head out from the corner* Liiiiieeeesssssssss? Yyyyeessssssss.

Thanks for reading, Frodoh. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Comment by Frodoh on February 5, 2015 at 7:38pm

Masterful lambasting, sir!  Also, Lester Holt thanks you—and is cautiously hopeful...

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