You have ruined my life. Because instead of taking control of my own actions, I’m going to blame you, inanimate object, for all my shortcomings in life. I’ve given you a list. Now fix it! All of it!
1. If I defriend a person, it’s because I don’t want them to see my shit anymore! Or I don’t want to see their fucking shit anymore!
Yeah, whatever, maybe it was childish to defriend that boy that I used to love, but I was getting sick of…Continue
Posted on November 12, 2012 at 5:58pm — 2 Comments
“So I took a pregnancy test to calm myself down, and then got my period two days later.”
“Natalie, why are you telling me this?”
“Because you wanted a close and open relationship with your daughter and that is what you got, god damnit! And it was stressing me the fuck out!”
“Don’t say god damnit.”
“And you are getting on the pill immediately, god damnit!”
As some of you may know, the pill freaks me the fuck out. Come on. It…Continue
Posted on August 31, 2012 at 10:47am — 2 Comments
So per usual, my life is a joke and I just end up participating in the weirdest conversations because my face does seem to have that, “Why yes, I would love to actively participate in a conversation about shaving preferences for both man and lady junk at a playground on the upper east side” look to it.
Basically, a couple of days ago, I was on a play date with four other moms, one of which I nanny for, and somehow by some unknown power we had no control over we got onto the topic of…Continue
Posted on May 31, 2012 at 10:25am — 2 Comments
I really don’t get my life. It’s confusing, it’s weird, and quite honestly it always smells slightly like beef lo mein.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Well, I’m not complaining at this particular moment, but I just have to know… am I alone in this situation?
For example, the amount of male attention I attract just does not equate with my physical features. Okay, maybe it does a little , I’m pretty fucking cute, god damnit! Then pair that cuteness with some…Continue
Posted on May 2, 2012 at 7:19am
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01.) I snickered out loud when I read “... hire a midget with a Easy Cheez spray can glued permanently to their left hand ... .”: I’d previously mentioned my unrequited love for my own genitals. (Did you get my ‘friend’ request? No biggie. I didn’t know where to send flowers. Ha-ha!)
02.) I’ve noticed your many mentions of mayo. Are you one of those hoity-toity types who thinks Miracle Whip® is disgusting and exclusively for hillbillies, or do you go both ways? I can appreciate either, in context. Neither is appropriate for all occasions. They made garlic MW® for a while, in a coffinful of which I could easily be buried, but I can’t find it anymore. (continued ... .)
04.) I was raised a half-assed Catholic, myself. Mom was relatively hardcore. Her mom was, at least. My being ‘handicapped’, I never had to go to parochial school, and, having been raised in a houseful of angry sarcastics, I’d pretty much decided it was all horseshit by the time I was around 8. Break over 100 bones before you’re 13, and you, too may come to think of prayer, for instance, as ludicrous. Also, we learn too late in life that, if prayer works, it only works for other people. Even if a conscious God was listening, It wouldn’t give a shit if you win the big game or want a car.
05.) Never fear or apologize for farts. Farts rule. Farts are The Window To The Soul. Garlic farts are better than orgasms. One of the best days of my life was when I found ‘extreme flatulence’ on a list of symptoms of my particular dwarfing bone-disease. What a relief that I wasn’t, in fact, just a fucking pig. Bore ya’ later. xo♥.
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