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A one-armed person only needs one chopstick.
This just in, entire U.S. Olympic BINGO Team canceled due to multiple steroid violations.
We were all born fucked, in fact it's how we got here.
Product idea: Cat leashes! Take your cat for a walk! Cat don't wanna walk? Yank that sumbitch til he gets with program! Do you think dogs wanted to walk on leashes? Cat leashes, show your cat who's boss!
Language will now be spelled, "LANGWIDGE."
From now on the word "Twice" will be spelled "Twiice." Stay tuned for more language updates, brought to you each Wensday in the month of Febrary.
We're gonna Make America Great Again! - Donald Trump 2015
We're gonna Keep America Great! - Donald Trump 2018
We're like a third world country. - Donald Trump late November 2020
I like this guy, and I believe him when he says the election was stolen from him.* - 74 Million Americans
I'm 33 now, and when I meet people for the first time I'm upfront about how immature I am. I'm not insecure about it really, I own it, it's how I am, I'm fine with it. Some folks might call me a proud boy.
Mr. Oblivious: I hear all this negative talk about white supremacy, and I'm like, I'm white, I want to be supreme, and I'd have loved to sing with Diana Ross, that's a good lookin' black woman.
Underrated Super Power #2: Quick shitting. Get it out and get back to it.
Underrated Super Power #1003: Rationale. Reason. Discernmentation. That last one isn't a word, but it's seems like it maybe could be. Thinkatude.
Underrated Super Power #17: Seeing through balls. All the balls. Any ball. Seeing through them. Balls.
Underrated Super Power #43: 2 big toes on each foot. Think of the traction. Please. Please. Won't someone think of the traction?
They’re calling it the Trump Plague now. The Trump Plague of 2020. I’m hearing more and more people, a lot of people calling it the Trump Plague. It’s the greatest thing that, it’s like, nobody has ever seen anything like it, and they’re calling it the Trump Plague. That's what I'm hearing from a lot of people.
I'm going down the road and I see a sign that says Slow Funeral. What am I supposed to be more considerate just cause some dumb person died?
My predictions for rest of the year:
WiFi WAVES RANDOMLY SLING MUD
FLYING SQUIRRELS THAT CARRY CACTUS PLANTS
ROBOT VACUUMS TUNNEL INTO THE EARTH
CHIMPS ON POGO STICKS BREATHE FIRE
THREE HURRICANES STACKED NEATLY ON TOP OF EACH OTHER
TURTLES DISCOVER THEY CAN BREAK WINDOWS WHEN THEY COUGH
EVERY TEXT MESSAGE EVER IS SENT TO EVERYONE, PHONES OVERHEAT AND MELT
99% of people who lose their train of thought
One word movie critiques:
The Farmer “Outstanding!”
The Hypnotist “Mesmerizing!”
The Welder “Riveting!”
The Pencil “Sharp!”
Quintuple Solar Systems “Five Stars!”
Does one go ON an elevator or IN an elevator? Or ONTO, or INTO? Sometimes English ain't ez.
On dropping food: There is no ten-second rule at the veterinarian.
IF ONE DOOR CLOSES AND ANOTHER DOOR OPENS YOUR HOUSE IS PROBABLY HAUNTED
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