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Mr. Oblivious: I hear all this negative talk about white supremacy, and I'm like, I'm white, I want to be supreme, and I'd have loved to sing with Diana Ross, that's a good lookin' black woman.
Underrated Super Power #2: Quick shitting. Get it out and get back to it.
Underrated Super Power #1003: Rationale. Reason. Discernmentation. That last one isn't a word, but it's seems like it maybe could be. Thinkatude.
Underrated Super Power #17: Seeing through balls. All the balls. Any ball. Seeing through them. Balls.
Underrated Super Power #43: 2 big toes on each foot. Think of the traction. Please. Please. Won't someone think of the traction?
They’re calling it the Trump Plague now. The Trump Plague of 2020. I’m hearing more and more people, a lot of people calling it the Trump Plague. It’s the greatest thing that, it’s like, nobody has ever seen anything like it, and they’re calling it the Trump Plague. That's what I'm hearing from a lot of people.
I'm going down the road and I see a sign that says Slow Funeral. What am I supposed to be more considerate just cause some dumb person died?
My predictions for rest of the year:
WiFi WAVES RANDOMLY SLING MUD
FLYING SQUIRRELS THAT CARRY CACTUS PLANTS
ROBOT VACUUMS TUNNEL INTO THE EARTH
CHIMPS ON POGO STICKS BREATHE FIRE
THREE HURRICANES STACKED NEATLY ON TOP OF EACH OTHER
TURTLES DISCOVER THEY CAN BREAK WINDOWS WHEN THEY COUGH
EVERY TEXT MESSAGE EVER IS SENT TO EVERYONE, PHONES OVERHEAT AND MELT
99% of people who lose their train of thought
One word movie critiques:
The Farmer “Outstanding!”
The Hypnotist “Mesmerizing!”
The Welder “Riveting!”
The Pencil “Sharp!”
Quintuple Solar Systems “Five Stars!”
Does one go ON an elevator or IN an elevator? Or ONTO, or INTO? Sometimes English ain't ez.
On dropping food: There is no ten-second rule at the veterinarian.
OKAY I'LL BUY THE @#$% EARWAX REMOVAL THING NOW STOP THE ADS!
Dear Zuckerberg, Gates, Apple, Google, Amazon, Mother Theresa, whoever: PLEASE, no more earwax removal ads!
Please, no more earwax removal ads in my feed. For the love of sweet Mother Mary Queen of Scotland STOP!
Hey Mac. Those 110,000 were very weak. I like people who don't get sick.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, is filthiness next to dogliness?
110,000 American corpses, or as Trump would call them, a bunch of STONE COLD LOSERS.
Wildflowers grow like hotcakes.
No war? No Religion too?
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