Comedy Whirled


-By Slant


The challenging part of writing about issues that relate to kids is the fact that I don't own one.  That alone makes my arguments and opinions invalid to a lot of people who do have kids.  I get that.  It's kind of like a W.O.W. fanatic waxing poetic on the joys of interpersonal relationships.  And I'm not one of those single people who lie about why they never had children in order to save face.  I'm as egotistical as anyone, and would have loved to have had a little carbon copy of me that I could mold into the world's best dick joke writer... or host of The Family Feud.  Sadly I never got to project my dreams and desires onto a fruit of my loins.  The women I wanted to impregnate wouldn't accept my seed, and the ones that wanted ye olde baby batter... yeah, no thanks.  Them's the breaks.


The only leg I have to stand on when commenting on children is the fact that I was one.  Therefore I feel completely at ease stating that parents and school administrators in this country have gone completely BAT-SHIT STIR MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY!




Many people around my age (41) harbor a general disdain for kids.  That always seems silly to me because the only thing we have on them are points of reference, and the fact that we made it this long without getting hit by a bus... or cancer.  Remember that played out hypothetical; Knowing what you know now, would you go back to being a kid if given the opportunity?  For most of my adult life the answer was an emphatic yes.  But that quickly changed back in April of 1999 after two dick-headed, outcast losers in Colorado murdered their innocent classmates... and buried tolerance along with them.  If you're looking for a couple of terrorists that truly won, look no further.




Hysteria and power sure do make for interesting bedfellows, and they produce the worst kind of Incubus: Zero tolerance.  Zero tolerance makes it OK for teachers and parents to shut off their brains and point to a fucking rulebook for life's answers.  Judgment calls and shades of gray are things of the past.  Mitigating circumstances no longer exist for kids in America.  Every day there's another story about some kid getting punished by hypersensitive adults over minutia... and it's turning them into pussies.  It's also turning them into zero tolerance robots, who will make all of our lives hell later on when they're finally in charge.


I'm not talking about the stories of sledding, kickball, lemonade stands, freeze tag and bag lunches being banned in certain communities.  Those instances are merely blow-back born from the zero tolerance mentality.  Fun just happened to catch all of the shrapnel.  Never has a 'trickle down' policy been so effective.  The worst part is that adults who grew up 'acting a fool' just like I did -- turned into a bunch of mindless dictators.


Here are just a few examples of the assault on critical thinking, fresh from this week's news wire:


Lacrosse Player Arrested for Having Pen Knife











I guess the type of behavior illustrated above would have earned me time in 'the hole' back in my day.  Thank God our shop teacher had a lazy eye!


Students (5 and 6 years old) Denied Breakfast for

Wearing the Wrong Shoes















Being hungry sucks.  Especially when you can't fend for yourself.  Rot in hell Principal Whatever the Fuck Your Name is.


7th Grader Kicked Off School Bus...

... for Farting
















We're doomed.  I rest my case.


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Comment by Rebellious By Nature on May 24, 2011 at 2:37am
opinion and free speech were actually banned in my class during my senior year... i escaped in the nick of time because i'm sure by now the kids are being drug tested daily and forced to say "under god" in the pledge of allegiance... which brings up a rather interesting story about me and a few classmates being suspended, damn near expelled for jokingly saying "one nation under Crom."  and the thing about judas priest has happened a million times with other metal musicians... slipknot, most recently.....i wonder how long it'll take until america grows up
Comment by Ian on May 11, 2011 at 6:41pm
I bet some of my classmates from 6th grade will recall my work of fiction read aloud by Mr. Dayton regarding our imaginary class trip to Port-au-Prince and the subsequent 'Scarface'-style airing out of everyone via AK-47s.  That would have surely got me suspended or even jailed today.  Gen Y & Z are attaching themselves to X's movies and music so all hope is not gone entirely...
Comment by chuckkling on May 11, 2011 at 6:19pm

I think it's because we have it too good here. Imagine if you had to walk 25 miles to get a pail of water and some rice. Your mind would not think about potato chips that look like guns and suspending those students who use them to go...bang..bang.

We need an equal enemy to punch us in the face to reset us to factory settings. China?

Great blog.

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