Comedy Whirled

Well hello, rock bottom. We’ve got to stop meeting like this.

I can’t wait until I’m a fully functioning adult, but to be quite honest I don’t think that day is ever going to come.

I lost my wallet Monday night, because yes that is what happens when you don’t eat anything, drink at the apartment, then go out and drink more at a bar.

You will soon find yourself drunkenly stumbling to a taxi, trying not to hurl in said taxi, stumble to the apartment, hurl in the apartment, have your roommate freak out a little bit because you are not responding from the bathroom (in your defense you are hurling), hug the toilet for 5-10 minutes only to look up at your foot and think, “My big toe is gross,” then wake up in your bed fully clothed and feeling like…oh what’s the word? Shit.

In said wallet, were 3 credit cards, my VA driver’s license, my SOCIAL FUCKING SECURITY CARD…and my Costco card…I know. I know. Fuck.

And the worst part is, this is not the first time this shit has happened. I just don’t think. I bet that’s a fun thing to do…the act of thinking. I bet it feels realllllllllll good in the noggin. But I have never felt that feeling, nor will I ever.

Perfect example: Hours after waking up hung over and feeling like I had sufficiently facebook stalked enough people, I decided to get out of my bed and take a shower.

Then two things happened that I am not proud of. 1.  I almost went into the shower with my bra still on, wait let me clarify that…I almost went in with my bright fucking red bra still on, managed to remember to get the undies off…thank god. 2. I then stood in the shower for a couple minutes and literally thought out loud, “Wait, how do I shower again?”

 I went to college. I have a college degree. And yet I bring absolutely nothing to society. I will never bring anything of value to society, except to be a constant reminder that you yourself never what to be a rock-bottom bitch like myself.

I guess I should stop trying to be a better part of society and just accept my place.

There is a caste system, ladies and gentleman. And my role will always be at rock bottom.

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Comment by toofpick on March 10, 2012 at 7:07pm

I guess my rock bottom will come when I hit the Great Wall.

Comment by Iverneil on March 10, 2012 at 11:51am

it's one thing to hit rock bottom...and quite another to keep scratching

Comment by Slant on March 9, 2012 at 11:30pm

... and you wanna be my latex salesman...

Comment by Ian on March 9, 2012 at 5:49pm

"It's yourself you gotta be proud of Huckleberry" - Martin Sheen, Wall Street (1987)

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