I've been on Facebook steadily for about a year now. I was a late convert from Myspace, which is now on life support. During my time on Facebook I've noticed how people use and interact on the site. They fall into different categories that parallel social groups that have existed since the dawn of time. I've made a list of these groups and their traits, also how to recognize people within the group in the outside world. Enjoy....
The Friend Collector
This is the person who has 17,156 friends and isn't a celebrity. Friend collectors are competitive and believe Facebook is a contest with massive fake friendship as their means to winning.
Remember the guy who took a simple game of touch football too seriously? He would get pissed off that the defense didn't call enough "Steamboats"...this would be a friend collector. Also in this group would be the woman who has her whole kitchen decor dedicated to one farm animal. Pictures, plates, magnets, napkins...you get the pigture.
This person has status updates like "Oh my god" or "Unbelievable". This leaves our curiosity reeling. How dare you! Leave some damn details. Eventually someone asks "What's goin' on?" To which the Ambigu-ass considers a rhetorical question and no further explanation is given.
In real life these are usually people who love drama. Be it real or imagined or pertaining to themselves or others. To these people I say "Hey......".
The Non Responder
"How are you doing?" isn't a tough question. Respond. What are you better than me? You dickhead..I'm defriending you!! This is a scenario that could be avoided by a simple "I'm good, and you?"
If you check your voice mail and get this message "Your mailbox is more than 80% full, please delete old messages" then you're a Non Responder.......jerk.
The Burn Out
These are the people who join Facebook and blow up your wall with status updates, messages, friend requests and an unrelenting participation on the site. Then after the novelty wears off they're done and gone. Moth balled by their sudden lack of interest.
This is the person who, by his enthusiasm, gets you to involved in a hobby or activity and suddenly loses interest. Leaving you with hundreds of dollars worth of hobby/activity equipment.
The Dirty Laundromat
Everyone has at least one of these friends. They reveal the most intimate details of their life on Facebook. Our public response is to tell them to keep their private life private. Our private response is "Yesss!!....this will make my boring day at work a little better!" Admit it...you love the Dirty Laundromat.
These people can be spotted in urban neighborhoods yelling at their spouses on the front porch, next to the couch, where at least one person involved has their shirt off.
An info page filled with ballooned salaries and non-existent colleges mark the characteristics of this Facebooker. We all see through it like a bad hair piece. Is the University of New Pennsafornia a university?
Easily spotted at the work place. Their resume could be classified as a work of fiction.
They click the "Like" button and that constitutes the majority of their activity on the site. No matter the situation..."Yay, I just got married!"..."Like"......."I got a new job!!"...."Like"........"My husband was disemboweled by a brahma bull!!"..."Like".
This person likes Justin Bieber.
The Smart Phoners
Using a smart phone to navigate Facebook or the internet for that matter should be banned. All I hear is "I couldn't see that"...."I can't do that....on my phone" Plus many phone navigators use text spellings and abbreviations because of the tiny phone keyboard. Thanks...now I have to get out my Rosetta Stone to interpret these messages.
These are people who say they didn't get your message because they were in a Chilean mine or I didn't get your letter my mailbox blew up.
Do you know how horrible it is to log on to Facebook and see a picture of yourself with a mullet, a tight, sleeveless shirt from the Chess King and a pair of designer nuthugging jeans? All because your friend bought a scanner and had an urge to clean their picture drawer. Leave the past in the past.
This is the friend who tells your new girlfriend about the time that stripper rolled up a dollar bill and stuck it your mouth and then.......
The Drunk Booker
The modern day cousin to the drunk dialer. This person, fueled by liquid courage, will let everyone know what's on their mind. Same timeless story, while awaking the next day the Drunk Booker's fog clears only to realize that he may have been less than polite on the web the previous night. The Drunk Booker will not log on to Facebook for 2-3 days after the incident. Hoping the proverbial water has passed under the bridge.
This is the "I love you man" guy. Followed by the "Why did you steal my girlfriend in Junior High School?" guy after he passes the eight beer danger zone. Followed by no phone call for 2-3 days.
Their status updates are filled with every ache and pain they have. Listening to their daily sufferings could give an aspirin a headache. Why does a hangnail have to be headline news in your world?
These are the people who raise your insurance rates at work.
The Birthday Police
Happy Birthday! times 300. Thanks..not only did I want to forget my birthday but now as a present you gave me a job...responding to all the birthday wishes. Now I feel obligated to keep track of all the birthdays on my friends list.
These are the people at work who want to start a Christmas gift exchange.
You've seen them, their whole wall is filled with farm stuff, lonely cows, Easter eggs and mafia crap. The App-holes make me feel better because my life isn't a pathetic and unambitious as theirs. Anybody have a ladder so I can climb to success?
The best place to spot these people is at Best Buy at midnight when they release the newest version of Call of Duty.
The Imaginary Drink Sender
"Here's a margarita sent to you by your friend" What do I do with this? How do I respond? Thanks for nothing?
If you want to send me a drink P.M. me and I will give you my home address.
When you go to the club with friends the IDS has always "left" their "money" at "home" for the tenth time.
The Censor has unknowingly thrown themselves out of the loop. They have too many young kids as friends and have told their adult counterparts that no foul language or adult subject matter will be tolerated. Goodbye super cool parent, your friend..the Loop.
These are the people who bring their baby to an NFL football game and can't understand why there is cursing, fighting and general mayhem.
The Woodwork People
Voyeurs and onlookers comprise this group. They are only active if something really resonates with them and then look out for the pent up emotion storm. And just as quick they are back to the woodwork like a frightened turtle's head into it's shell.
You guessed it, these people climb water towers with AK47s in tow.
The Opportunity Knockers
Burglars and home invaders love these Facebookers. They announce to the world their whereabouts 24-7. Not only do you put your valuables at risk but your notions that anyone cares what you are doing will be shattered as well. No. One. Cares.
At a college dorm, the O.K.s will call their own dorm room phone over and over to establish to their neighboring coeds that they are popular.
The Why Bothers
Prodded and poked by their friends they reluctantly joined Facebook only to let their page rot on the vine. Their default profile picture being devoid of any soul. Their progress bar on empty like an old Buick Limited's gas tank. Save the site some bandwidth and delete your lame ass.
These are the people who join the YMCA or fitness club and..well you know the rest.
This group is misleading because they aren't on Facebook yet. They are the last hold outs to a dying site. When MySpace eventually ends welcome these refugees. They will immediately be cast in the App-hole group.
This group is comprised mostly of musicians and future Why Bothers.
The Conversation Ender
These are rogue Facebookers who will hijack friends of friends comment threads with an irrelevant or awkward comment that stops the conversation on a dime and gives back nine cents change, prompting the question "Who are you?" Like a big clumsy dog, these people sniff the collective crotch of the Facebook community making everyone uncomfortable.
I avoid Conversation Enders in real life. They usually have bad breath and of course, talk a lot. And they do not talk at normal talk distances, they have to be in your face.
And this concludes my study on Facebook people and their proclivities. If you are on Facebook you will fall into one of these groups. Your job is to figure out which one you belong to before your friends tell you.