Comedy Whirled

I've been on Facebook steadily for about a year now. I was a late convert from Myspace, which is now on life support. During my time on Facebook I've noticed how people use and interact on the site. They fall into different categories that parallel social groups that have existed since the dawn of time. I've made a list of these groups and their traits, also how to recognize people within the group in the outside world. Enjoy....

The Friend Collector

This is the person who has 17,156 friends and isn't a celebrity. Friend collectors are competitive and believe Facebook is a contest with massive fake friendship as their means to winning.

Remember the guy who took a simple game of touch football too seriously? He would get pissed off that the defense didn't call enough "Steamboats"...this would be a friend collector. Also in this group would be the woman who has her whole kitchen decor dedicated to one farm animal. Pictures, plates, magnets, get the pigture.

The Ambigu-ass

This person has status updates like "Oh my god" or "Unbelievable". This leaves our curiosity reeling. How dare you! Leave some damn details. Eventually someone asks "What's goin' on?" To which the Ambigu-ass considers a rhetorical question and no further explanation is given.

In real life these are usually people who love drama. Be it real or imagined or pertaining to themselves or others. To these people I say "Hey......".

The Non Responder

"How are you doing?" isn't a tough question. Respond. What are you better than me? You dickhead..I'm defriending you!! This is a scenario that could be avoided by a simple "I'm good, and you?"

If you check your voice mail and get this message "Your mailbox is more than 80% full, please delete old messages" then you're a Non Responder.......jerk.

The Burn Out

These are the people who join Facebook and blow up your wall with status updates, messages, friend requests and an unrelenting participation on the site. Then after the novelty wears off they're done and gone. Moth balled by their sudden lack of interest.

This is the person who, by his enthusiasm, gets you to involved in a hobby or activity and suddenly loses interest. Leaving you with hundreds of dollars worth of hobby/activity equipment.

The Dirty Laundromat

Everyone has at least one of these friends. They reveal the most intimate details of their life on Facebook. Our public response is to tell them to keep their private life private. Our private response is "Yesss!!....this will make my boring day at work a little better!" Admit love the Dirty Laundromat.

These people can be spotted in urban neighborhoods yelling at their spouses on the front porch, next to the couch, where at least one person involved has their shirt off.

The Exaggerator

An info page filled with ballooned salaries and non-existent colleges mark the characteristics of this Facebooker. We all see through it like a bad hair piece. Is the University of New Pennsafornia a university?

Easily spotted at the work place. Their resume could be classified as a work of fiction.

The Likers

They click the "Like" button and that constitutes the majority of their activity on the site. No matter the situation..."Yay, I just got married!"..."Like"......."I got a new job!!"...."Like"........"My husband was disemboweled by a brahma bull!!"..."Like".

This person likes Justin Bieber.

The Smart Phoners

Using a smart phone to navigate Facebook or the internet for that matter should be banned. All I hear is "I couldn't see that"...."I can't do that....on my phone" Plus many phone navigators use text spellings and abbreviations because of the tiny phone keyboard. I have to get out my Rosetta Stone to interpret these messages.

These are people who say they didn't get your message because they were in a Chilean mine or I didn't get your letter my mailbox blew up.

The Tagger

Do you know how horrible it is to log on to Facebook and see a picture of yourself with a mullet, a tight, sleeveless shirt from the Chess King and a pair of designer nuthugging jeans? All because your friend bought a scanner and had an urge to clean their picture drawer. Leave the past in the past.

This is the friend who tells your new girlfriend about the time that stripper rolled up a dollar bill and stuck it your mouth and then.......

The Drunk Booker

The modern day cousin to the drunk dialer. This person, fueled by liquid courage, will let everyone know what's on their mind. Same timeless story, while awaking the next day the Drunk Booker's fog clears only to realize that he may have been less than polite on the web the previous night. The Drunk Booker will not log on to Facebook for 2-3 days after the incident. Hoping the proverbial water has passed under the bridge.

This is the "I love you man" guy. Followed by the "Why did you steal my girlfriend in Junior High School?" guy after he passes the eight beer danger zone. Followed by no phone call for 2-3 days.

The Psychosomatics

Their status updates are filled with every ache and pain they have. Listening to their daily sufferings could give an aspirin a headache. Why does a hangnail have to be headline news in your world?

These are the people who raise your insurance rates at work.

The Birthday Police

Happy Birthday! times 300. Thanks..not only did I want to forget my birthday but now as a present you gave me a job...responding to all the birthday wishes. Now I feel obligated to keep track of all the birthdays on my friends list.

These are the people at work who want to start a Christmas gift exchange.

The App-holes

You've seen them, their whole wall is filled with farm stuff, lonely cows, Easter eggs and mafia crap. The App-holes make me feel better because my life isn't a pathetic and unambitious as theirs. Anybody have a ladder so I can climb to success?

The best place to spot these people is at Best Buy at midnight when they release the newest version of Call of Duty.

The Imaginary Drink Sender

"Here's a margarita sent to you by your friend" What do I do with this? How do I respond? Thanks for nothing?
If you want to send me a drink P.M. me and I will give you my home address.

When you go to the club with friends the IDS has always "left" their "money" at "home" for the tenth time.

The Censor

The Censor has unknowingly thrown themselves out of the loop. They have too many young kids as friends and have told their adult counterparts that no foul language or adult subject matter will be tolerated. Goodbye super cool parent, your friend..the Loop.

These are the people who bring their baby to an NFL football game and can't understand why there is cursing, fighting and general mayhem.

The Woodwork People

Voyeurs and onlookers comprise this group. They are only active if something really resonates with them and then look out for the pent up emotion storm. And just as quick they are back to the woodwork like a frightened turtle's head into it's shell.

You guessed it, these people climb water towers with AK47s in tow.

The Opportunity Knockers

Burglars and home invaders love these Facebookers. They announce to the world their whereabouts 24-7. Not only do you put your valuables at risk but your notions that anyone cares what you are doing will be shattered as well. No. One. Cares.

At a college dorm, the O.K.s will call their own dorm room phone over and over to establish to their neighboring coeds that they are popular.

The Why Bothers

Prodded and poked by their friends they reluctantly joined Facebook only to let their page rot on the vine. Their default profile picture being devoid of any soul. Their progress bar on empty like an old Buick Limited's gas tank. Save the site some bandwidth and delete your lame ass.

These are the people who join the YMCA or fitness club and..well you know the rest.

The MySpacers

This group is misleading because they aren't on Facebook yet. They are the last hold outs to a dying site. When MySpace eventually ends welcome these refugees. They will immediately be cast in the App-hole group.

This group is comprised mostly of musicians and future Why Bothers.

The Conversation Ender

These are rogue Facebookers who will hijack friends of friends comment threads with an irrelevant or awkward comment that stops the conversation on a dime and gives back nine cents change, prompting the question "Who are you?" Like a big clumsy dog, these people sniff the collective crotch of the Facebook community making everyone uncomfortable.

I avoid Conversation Enders in real life. They usually have bad breath and of course, talk a lot. And they do not talk at normal talk distances, they have to be in your face.

And this concludes my study on Facebook people and their proclivities. If you are on Facebook you will fall into one of these groups. Your job is to figure out which one you belong to before your friends tell you.

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Comment by Krass on January 2, 2011 at 11:06pm
I'm late to the party, but this was hilarious! I'm putting this up on Facebook RFN!
Comment by Slant on December 12, 2010 at 12:04pm

We forgot to mention that this blog post won the November contest.  Please pardon the lack of an official announcement.  My bad.

Comment by CHN on December 9, 2010 at 10:41pm

Thats a detailed list. You must have studied a lot of data. Zuckerberg will be calling.

Comment by Slant on December 7, 2010 at 3:44pm
Got one more! The "I'm Too Cool For This Place-r" I just un-friended a comedienne cause I was sick of her status updates constantly telling people to leave her alone and lamenting the fact that she is even part of the community. Can't be bothered. I suppose if she were famous or the least bit funny it would be understandable. There's no bigger turn off than a talentless diva.
Comment by MacSpruce on December 1, 2010 at 6:58am
I guess I'm among the remaining handful of people left that hasn't joined up. I just wouldn't want to belong to any 500-million-person club that would have me as a member.
Comment by Ian on November 28, 2010 at 8:55pm
The ones that treat it like Twitter (constant updates about trivial stuff) are the least desirable. Facebook is the new email and Comedy Whirled is the new Facebook. Or something like that...
Comment by jessicaligula on November 28, 2010 at 9:47am
The "please pray for/I am so blessed by God" group.
"My co-worker needs prayers because his nephew knocked up someone on Halloween that he thought was his wife." That's not an actual quote but you get the idea. Most of these are comprised of people I went to high school with and I don't have the heart to delete them. I find it obnoxious and infuriating. I'm not going to pray for your kid because he has post nasal drip.
Comment by Michaelred73 on November 27, 2010 at 7:51pm
Nice Chuck.. you forgot about the "dear day" group.. These are the folks who only seem to write to actual days.. you know...
" Dear Monday, why did you have to get here so soon? " or " dear Friday, could you pflease get here sooner? "
Drives me nuts .......
Comment by Slant on November 27, 2010 at 7:09pm
We forgot about another group. "The Quoters" -- This group communicates exclusively via notable pop culture quotes... mainly 80's cinema and pulp. Once in a while is OK, but these people are insufferable. And when they are feeling profound, they'll drop a Thoreau or an Emerson quote as their status message. These people should find an OTTO- MO-BEAL and drive into a lake... BIG LAKE.
Comment by MissA on November 27, 2010 at 2:11pm
I worked up the nerve to delete my FB account about a month ago. I came to the realization that out of 137 "friends" I only really gave a fuck about 7 of them. After the novelty of seeing whats become of your high school acquaintances wears off, you realize there's a reason you lost touch with most of these assholes in the first place. A high school reunion is fun for about an hour but who wants to spend an eternity at one? So far I've resisted the temptation to log back on. It just isn't worth going back on to see the Smart Phoner's latest picture of a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes she has to have or the Liker's list of liked Dane Cook quotes. Of course Slant was right on about most of us here, so I'm sure they don't miss my 'punchline stalking' either.

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