Comedy Whirled

 

Hey there sports fans are you ready for some football? I know I am. It is usually this time of year that I start getting that itch (no…not the itch that needs a monthly shot), the football itch. Many of you groupies obviously watch Fox Sports, CBS, NBC, NFL Network, or NFL Sunday Ticket. But if you can stomach ESPN NFL Sunday Countdown long enough and the steaming pile of pregame egos they have, then you know Chris Berman. Yeah, he’s the balding fat guy who incorrectly predicts a few games each week and then talks about how someone could go all the way.

If you followed the NFL draft, you probably had a vested interest in the players your favorite team drafted. Hoping that some of the draft choices your team made will be household names the likes of, DeSean Jackson, Peyton Manning, or Nmandi Asomugha. But there are going to be some players that you recognize by their Chris Berman nickname.

For example: Jeff “Philadelphia” Feagles or Jake “Daylight come and I want to” Delhomme. I thought it would be interesting to take a 2011 draftee from each NFL team and play around with their names to see if they might become the household name via a clever nickname.

I did it by each conference and division to make it easier to find YOUR team…so here goes:

NFC

EAST

Dallas Cowboys                DeMarco “POLO” Murray

Washington Redskins     Roy “I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU SAY GOODBYE, I SAY” Helu

Philadelphia Eagles                   Stanley “POP” Havili

NY Giants                            Jerrel “THIS MEETING IS A” Jernigan

 

NORTH

Green Bay Packers           Randall “CORN ON THE” Cobb

Chicago Bears                   Chris “PICK” Conte (ironically he is a DB)

Minnesota Vikings            Christian “QUARTER” Ponder

Detroit Lions                     Nick Fairley “FAIRLEY, FAIRLEY, FAIRLEY, LIFE IS BUT A DREAM”

 

SOUTH

New Orleans Saints          Greg “WHEN IN” Romeus

Atlanta Falcons                 “ME AND” Julio Jones “DOWN BY THE SCHOOL YARD”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers   Luke “I AM YOUR” Stocker

Carolina Panthers             Cam “BIG FIGURES” Newton

 

WEST

Seattle Seahawks             James “IF I WERE A” Carpenter

St. Louis Rams                   Sam “HE’S STARING RIGHT” Acho

San Francisco 49ERs       Kendall “BIG GAME” Hunter

Arizona Cardinals             Jermale “57 Varieties” Hines

 

AFC

EAST

Miami Dolphins                 Frank “N STEINS” Kearse              

Buffalo Bills                       Kelvin “CYBIL” Sheppard

New England Patriots       Steven Ridley “BELIEVE IT OR NOT”

New York Jets                   Jeremy “LARRY, MOE, AND” Kerley

 

NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers           Chris “CLARENCE CARTER, CLARENCE CARTER, CLARENCE CARTER OH SHIT, CLARENCE" Carter

Baltimore Ravens             Tyrod “ON FOR SIZE” Taylor

Cleveland Browns             Owen “THE SAINTS COME” Marecic “IN”

Cincinnati Bengals            Donte “I DON’T KNOW” Moch “BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU”

 

SOUTH

Indianapolis Colts             Drake “NEVER SAY” Nevis

Tennessee Titans         Akeem Ayers “TO THE THRONE”

Houston Texans                JJ “SAY” Watt

Jacksonville Jaguars        Blaine “YO GABBA” Gabbert 

 

WEST

Denver Broncos                “I’VE BEEN LIVIN’ IN A” Von “DOWN BY THE” Miller

San Diego Chargers         Marcus “JESUS H” Gilchrist

Kansas City Chiefs                    Justin Houston “WE HAVE A PROBLEM”

Oakland Raiders Steve “I GOTTA TAKE A” Wisniewski

 

So there you have it. Very corny yes, but I did save Berman the trouble of having to think up these lame nicknames.

 

Since we are on the subject of football; if you are interested in playing Fantasy Football and have not signed up for a league yet, look no further than Comedy Whirled to play. Just contact Slant as he hosts Slantasy Football each year. He will send you all the details on how to join. It is free and more importantly it is fun.    

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Comment by LL Bein on August 11, 2011 at 5:48pm
 "WHOOOP!"  Jams3kds comes with the blitz! If Berman has a research & writing team, you just handed them a bunch of first downs & a couple of 6's. Funny and accurate stuff. “PICK” Conte & “BIG GAME” Hunter could easily catch on if their talents back it up.
Comment by Ian on August 10, 2011 at 4:37pm
Even more fun is hearing Berman pontificate during ESPN coverage of golf.   But CB is an institution at this point, outlasting most of the other 'origin' ESPN players, so all is forgiven for sake of tradition.

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