Comedy Whirled

Those Were Different Times #105

Introducing: The Basic Principles of Kreskin’s ESP.

Results:


8. You are getting sleepy, but mainly just from boredom.
-missalicia

7. I wonder if he foresaw his ESP abilities only being worth 1 dollar?
-JJJ23

6.825. One rather unpleasant principle involves the forced insertion of that vibrating rectal-probe.

6.75.Principle #1.:

6.5Get revenge on childhood bullies by using superior intellect to devise plan to become fabulously wealthy and internationally famous by doing absolutely nothing.

6. The price is scribbled out because this information is invaluable
-theDIRTYmidget

5. You mean his Exceptionally Silly Pendulum ?
-MacSpruce

4. This album cover keeps triggering my epileptic seizures.
-chuckkling

3.825. Kreskin was invited to go up on the space shuttle, but declined when he learned they did not plan on bringing him back.

3.75. that's a locket he's waving around.  The photograph inside of it?  His penis.

3.5. Kreskin's amulet-metronome muscles were developed using the Furiously Masturbating to Catherine Deveuve method

3.25. *artist's rendering.  An actual photograph of Kreskin laying down some ESP would cause you to go insane, & the world would rapidly descend into chaos.  Dogs & cats would seriously consider residing alongside each other, & molten lava would erupt from under your very feet.

3. Kreskin's doctor became used to treating him for defensive wounds.
-antistar

(2)
#1 Plant family members in the audience.
#2 Pay them each 10% of the take.
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick
-MadAdam

(1.)
BASIC PRINCIPLES
1. Using probability curves to properly identify incoming phone calls.
2. Reading micro-expressions in cats and dogs as buy and sell cues for trading.
3. How to think louder than everyone else in the room, (while eating crab-cakes).
4. Hypnotizing lizards, birds, snakes, spiders and insects with your gonads.
-Ian Renga

 

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Comment by chuckkling on December 30, 2010 at 10:14pm
This album cover keeps triggering my epileptic seizures.
Comment by MacSpruce on December 30, 2010 at 10:35am

 

What's really mind-bending is that apparently there are basic principles for being unprincipled.

 

 

Comment by MadAdam on December 29, 2010 at 9:09pm

Yard sale customer:  Hey man, you take a nickle for this here album?

Yard sale proprietor: No, you will pay me one dollar for that album.

Yard sale customer:  Seriously, man, will ya take a nickle for this here album?

Yard sale proprietor: No, you will pay me one dollar for that album...............you will get sleepy and pay me one dollar for that album.

Yard sale customer: Huh?

Yard sale proprietor: ...........................allright............give me the nickle...............

Comment by MadAdam on December 29, 2010 at 9:01pm

#1 Plant family members in the audience.

#2 Pay them each 10% of the take.

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick

Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 29, 2010 at 5:45am
One rather unpleasant principle involves the forced insertion of that vibrating rectal-probe.
Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 29, 2010 at 5:44am

... none of which explains why his head is kind of flat or
why the fingers of his left hand have sort of weird lengths.

Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 29, 2010 at 5:42am

E.S.P.: 
Especially
Swindly
Poop. 


(My Christmas Tribute to antistar. xo♥.)

Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 29, 2010 at 5:38am
The Basic Principles Of Kreskin's ESP.:
01.) Talk Way Too Loud.
02.) Smile Way Too Much.
03.) Shake Hands Way Too Hard And Kiss Ass Like Crazy.
04.) Be Completely Talentless.
05.) Bullshit Your Ass Off Until Someone Pays You To Leave.
Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 29, 2010 at 5:37am
... are also employed by our finest evangelists.
Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 29, 2010 at 5:37am
S.S.S. International®:
Snake-Oil Salesman Syndicate.

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