Comedy Whirled

Sabre419's Steam Vent: Confessions of a 3rd Shift Security Guard

So, for those who don't know me, and those who haven't heard from me in a while, let me introduce myself: I'm a security guard for a mediocre office complex, who works a fragrant mix of 2nd and 3rd shift shifts, tonight being the latter.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of being "synthetic bacon" as I often call myself, let me clarify: It is not rocket surgery. If you can walk and tell time, you can do the job, especially with a flashlight (which I had to buy for myself... Cheap bastards.)

"But isn't it exciting Kenny G.?"........... Have you been smoking meth again??? I mean, yeah, the occasional angry, panhandling hobo, or screaming fire alarm does much to stave off the desire to staple my eyeballs for entertainment... But it's mostly pretty boring.

I must say though, it's interesting to watch the tenants and guests that frequent here. One might think, being surrounded by lawyers, accountants, buisiness professionals and the rich folks who frequent the private club on the 17th floor would be an enriching experience..........


Let me share a few choice nuggets with you:

1. You are never too rich to puke in an elevator... And not tell anyone. - - -
Seriously... This fucking happened... I understand that some people feel a tad ill if they drink too much, but really, your just going to leave it like that? And of course, housekeeping is gone for the night, so.... Yeah, you may be 65, with 7 figures in the bank, that doesn't make you a superior drinker. I can think of better ways for me to find out the club served seafood tonight.... Lay off the Scotch, asshole!

2. Lawyers think closed office doors masque the sound of them banging their "secretary" - - - Yeah... That happened too... And I'm the ass for patroling that floor at that time.... Like I always do........ I still wake up in a cold sweat some nights.... So wrong.....

3. Posted directories encourage stupidity. - - -
(After staring at the directory for 5 minutes)
Person: "What floor is Such & Such law office on?"
Me: "... 12."
Person: "How do I get there?"
Me: (Looking at elevators 10 feet away, pointing.)
Person: "And what button do I push?"
Me: (Trying hard not to facepalm myself) "12."
Person: (Still looking confused.) "Ok. Thanks." (Walks past elevators... Gets lost in back hallway.)
Me: *Facepalm* (Get up to go escort them back)

4. If you're the one who answers the phone, it's your fault. - - -
So, the company we have the contract with, who actually owns the buildings, one of which includes apartments, is too cheap to hire a receptionist, so we get to do the job 1st and 2nd shift... Lucky us... And it seems everyone believes it's security that raised their rent, or didn't show up to fix the hole in the ceiling... Or is playing the loud rap music across the street... Even after 10 minutes of explaining that I need to transfer them to to actual management company... And explaining I can't help with this issue... Using small words............ And they wonder why we keep a tub of tylenol at each desk!

I have many more... But that's a good taste of my job. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a big vaccant floor I have to go make sure did not move since the last time it was checked... 2 hours ago...


- Kenny G.

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Comment by LizzyQ on September 22, 2010 at 9:33pm
Too bad you didn't tell them to go to the 13th floor... (in the Twilight Zone sort-of way.) Seriously though- Great writing. It sort of reminds me of a time a few years back when I used to sling coffee in a downtown Seattle office building for a large international corporation you may have heard of. There ARE things about people you really shouldn't have to know... *facepalm* ... although I think you topped any story I may have. Kudos on a job well done and an excellent read. -LizzyQ-
Comment by LL Bein on September 22, 2010 at 5:38pm
Imma skip topics 1 through 3 because I agree.
#4 If you're the one who answers the phone, it's your fault. Imma refute.
Allow me to enlighten you about the true dynamics of work. IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT! It's always someone else's fault... unless there's video. Since you work security & probably know where the cams are, stay in the blind spots. If they can't find you, they can't make you work or take the fall... Now that you've managed to sneak across the street, you can continue smokin' & listenin' to Disco Inferno wit yo boys KG. Don't start nothin, there won't b nuthin', Huh?

Comment by PHUKUHP on September 21, 2010 at 10:34pm
Comment by Bubba Licious on September 21, 2010 at 5:53pm
Loved it. Got any openings?
Comment by Celsius88 on September 21, 2010 at 2:45pm
I love the tags you added for this blog. "Security, bitching, guard, people, ranting, stupid"
Comment by Celsius88 on September 21, 2010 at 2:43pm
Hilarious. *facepalm* And how do I get to this twelfth floor, you say? I would've said, "I don't know, but don't you wish someone would invent a big metal box that you could step inside that had a pulley mechanism that could get you there?" *facepalm* And what button do I push? I would have mumbled, "The 'HOW ARE YOU STILL LIVING?' button."

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