So, for those who don't know me, and those who haven't heard from me in a while, let me introduce myself: I'm a security guard for a mediocre office complex, who works a fragrant mix of 2nd and 3rd shift shifts, tonight being the latter.
For those of you who have never had the pleasure of being "synthetic bacon" as I often call myself, let me clarify: It is not rocket surgery. If you can walk and tell time, you can do the job, especially with a flashlight (which I had to buy for myself... Cheap bastards.)
"But isn't it exciting Kenny G.?"........... Have you been smoking meth again??? I mean, yeah, the occasional angry, panhandling hobo, or screaming fire alarm does much to stave off the desire to staple my eyeballs for entertainment... But it's mostly pretty boring.
I must say though, it's interesting to watch the tenants and guests that frequent here. One might think, being surrounded by lawyers, accountants, buisiness professionals and the rich folks who frequent the private club on the 17th floor would be an enriching experience..........
Let me share a few choice nuggets with you:
1. You are never too rich to puke in an elevator... And not tell anyone. - - -
Seriously... This fucking happened... I understand that some people feel a tad ill if they drink too much, but really, your just going to leave it like that? And of course, housekeeping is gone for the night, so.... Yeah, you may be 65, with 7 figures in the bank, that doesn't make you a superior drinker. I can think of better ways for me to find out the club served seafood tonight.... Lay off the Scotch, asshole!
2. Lawyers think closed office doors masque the sound of them banging their "secretary" - - - Yeah... That happened too... And I'm the ass for patroling that floor at that time.... Like I always do........ I still wake up in a cold sweat some nights.... So wrong.....
3. Posted directories encourage stupidity. - - -
(After staring at the directory for 5 minutes)
Person: "What floor is Such & Such law office on?"
Me: "... 12."
Person: "How do I get there?"
Me: (Looking at elevators 10 feet away, pointing.)
Person: "And what button do I push?"
Me: (Trying hard not to facepalm myself) "12."
Person: (Still looking confused.) "Ok. Thanks." (Walks past elevators... Gets lost in back hallway.)
Me: *Facepalm* (Get up to go escort them back)
4. If you're the one who answers the phone, it's your fault. - - -
So, the company we have the contract with, who actually owns the buildings, one of which includes apartments, is too cheap to hire a receptionist, so we get to do the job 1st and 2nd shift... Lucky us... And it seems everyone believes it's security that raised their rent, or didn't show up to fix the hole in the ceiling... Or is playing the loud rap music across the street... Even after 10 minutes of explaining that I need to transfer them to to actual management company... And explaining I can't help with this issue... Using small words............ And they wonder why we keep a tub of tylenol at each desk!
I have many more... But that's a good taste of my job. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a big vaccant floor I have to go make sure did not move since the last time it was checked... 2 hours ago...
- Kenny G.