Comedy Whirled

Reasons I didn’t get any Valentines:

Already got a few “VD” greetings last month.

Got a ticket for speed dating on The Bachelor.

I mean watching The Bachelor.

Did a “Belly Flop” in the car pool.

Friends don’t let friends Skype drunk.

Didn’t give any put out.

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Comment by mellowpuma on March 1, 2016 at 6:27am

the bomb shelter prevents extra familiar dating.

instead of arms, i have TWO SICK SNAKES!!!!

judge judy won't return my affections.

if i take off the spikes, i lose street cred, and trust me girls don't like the spikes. not one bit.

my competitive eating training regimen does not allow for love, or pants, or leaving the toilet.

i'm married to the sea! yarrrrrrrggghhhh!

i'm a fighter, not a lover.  "fighting" is the one where you masturbate and cry, right?

i'm not going to settle down till i find bigfoot.

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Comment by Mike McHuman on February 28, 2016 at 3:12pm

What are "Valentines"?

Comment by Rotwang on February 21, 2016 at 3:55pm

I promised her I'd never give her HIV again.

Comment by Iverneil on February 17, 2016 at 5:50pm

Because they know I'll stalk them if they do.

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