Hi, my name is Seymour Tiddies III. As Valentine's Day approaches, I noticed that I still don't have a date. I know what you're thinking...how can a finely tuned machine like myself be without female companionship on the most romantic day of the year?
There's only one answer...I'm just too damn sexy! Just take a look. Who wouldn't want to be with this hunk of burning man meat? I'm a walking Jeopardy question with a cock! A stud with pens galore! A jock with an unlimited supply of facial zit cleanser!
But enough about me. Who's looking for a man to spend a romantic evening with? It could be you!
Here are some alluring facts about me...
- I have the personality of a corpse
- my bank account has $12.87 in it
- I have zero friends on my Facebook account
- My mom said we can use the living room until 9 P.M.
- I'm a virgin (by choice of women everywhere)
What I'm looking for in a woman...
- a pulse
- you must live within walking distance of my parent's house
- must love cuddling (with my gerbil)
- must let me smell your feet
- must love milk and milk by-products
I know what you're saying....where's the downside to this Adonis?
Well, I do have flaws...
I get a boner at the sound of Alex Trebek's voice.
Women get me mixed up with Brad Pitt.
I don't have every episode of "The Big Bang Theory" on Beta tape.
I snore to the score of "Cats."
My I.Q. is only 177.
If you decide to go out with me, here would be a sample of our evening together...
I will make us grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while I wear assless Chaps.
We will watch a marathon of "Who's The Boss."
I will do my impersonation of Ed Sullivan doing Richard Nixon. Trust me, it's a laugh riot.
You will show me your nipples.
I will show you my nipples.
The evening will end with a "holding hands" session followed by you telling me to "drop dead."
So, what are you waiting for? It's almost the 14th, so give me a call. I promise it won't be worth the wait.