Comedy Whirled

Penises have always, always confused me. And when I say confuse, I kind of really mean that I have always been jealous of any person with a penis. You people with your penises; you live a charmed life.

 

But alas, no matter how long I chased after this “fairy tale” life. I was never able to capture this wanting. No, this need, to pee standing up.

 

It happened when I was seven. I accidently walked in on my brother in the bathroom, and there he was. Peeing and standing! It made absolutely no sense. How was the pee making it into the toilet? How did I not know I could do this?

 

I closed the door, allowing my brother to finish his “important” business and impatiently waited. And waited.

 

“Come on, Nathan! You’re like a girl in the bathroom!”

 

He opened the door, with the putrid smell of ass wafting in the bathroom.

 

“Enjoy.”

 

But I didn’t care. This was going to be my moment. Adrenaline rushing, I flew into the bathroom –forgetting to close the door –unbutton my pants and wait for the sound of tinkling. But it didn’t happen.

 

“Natalie Paige Wall!” screamed my horrified mother as she caught me hovering over the toilet and staring down at my pee-drenched underwear.

 

“What are you doing?!”

 

“Peeing.”

 

She grabbed my hand, shoved me into new clothes (which was a dress that I absolutely hated and threw a fit about) and dragged me outside to my father.

 

“It’s time for the talk.” She said airily to my dad.

 

“Really?”

 

“Talk to your daughter!”

 

Twenty minutes later and a lot of awkward phrases from my father, I was pissed off. All of a sudden god seemed like a dirty little bastard to me. Life was so unfair. Never would I get to write my name in the snow with my own pee. Never would I be able pee wherever I wanted. It was so wrong, so unjust. But God couldn’t have thought of everything. There must be a loophole.

 

“Wait, so why don’t I have a penis again?”

 

“Cause, you are a girl.”

 

“Wait, can I grow one?”

 

“No.”

 

“Can I make one?”

 

“No.”

 

“So you are telling me that I can never pee standing up.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What if I arch my back?

 

“No.”

 

My father was lying! This was bullshit. I know I can pee standing up. I can just feel it. So, whatever, I don’t have a penis. Saying I can’t pee standing up just cause I’m a girl, well, that’s just racist, dad. I just need practice, that’s all.

 

And oh, did I practice. I practiced in my bathroom, I practiced in my parent’s bathroom, I even practiced in public bathrooms at the mall, but my mom always seemed to catch me.

 

“Natalie, why are your feet facing the toilet?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“God dammit, Natalie!”

 

But it never happened. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how far I arched my back. I never heard that tinkling sound of success.

 

To this day, I still sigh a breath of jealously any time I see a guy pee standing up. It was never a hygiene thing for me or some OCD thing. It was pure laziness. You men get everything, and you don’t even appreciate it.

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Comment by Iverneil on September 18, 2011 at 8:31am

Men don't "Dab" their plumbing with toilet paper like women do. We do the bullwhip action several times to clear the gun only to get the mystery drip in our underwear as we leave the bathroom.

Women cant get anything caught in their zipper

Women fare better with a kick to the crotch

Women dont need their whole arm to masturbate, just one finger

Women never have to tidy up the toilet sear after they pee

Women can't pee in two streams at once (I have missed the toilet completely with both streams, one on each side of the toilet)

Women never have to feel inadequate when a woman with an extremely large vagina walks into a communal shower.

Comment by chuckkling on September 16, 2011 at 4:31pm
You haven't been to the porn sites I've been to then....
Comment by Jams3kds on September 16, 2011 at 11:04am

Good points made about your affinity for penises and to stand to pee and you’re right the pros do outweigh the cons…

Other pros include: Pulling over on the side of the road and opening two car doors to pee, or standing there acting like you’re talking on the phone about something serious while you go, helping put out fires from a distance, being R Kelly, or just soothing someone’s jelly fish sting (see R Kelly).

However being a woman and having to go on the side of the road in the middle of BFE is not practical. You normally have to go to the woods to relieve yourself right? And taking a wiz in the woods can be hazardous. There are those uncomfortable mosquito bites, the threat of poison ivy, and ticks on the ass or labia. All of these are definitely some cons, but if there is one good thing about having to sit down to pee is the toilet itself. As you know, ONE thing us guys like to do for unexplained prolonged periods of time is sit on the toilet. (Preferably our own toilets). Oh and on that note, guys do sit down to pee…they just do it while they are dropping the kids off at the pool.

Always good stuff Natalie. 

Comment by mellowpuma on September 15, 2011 at 10:09pm
So you have upright peeing-ness envy?  Have you tried funnels?

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