Comedy Whirled

My biggest fear if I ever become a successful comedian with my own television special (now this wouldn’t be for a long time seeing as I still need to do the whole “stand-up” part) is the inevitable fact that some guy I’ve screwed is going to be flipping through the channels, recognize my face/shrill voice/cankles, turn to the first person next to him, whether it a roommate/stranger/cellmate and say:


“Dude…fucked her.”


And now, it’s not really the guy I screwed I’m worried about because yeah, whatever, I made my bed now I have to lie in it. It’s the roommate’s/stranger’s/cellmate’s reaction I’m worried about.


“Gross….” Or “Nice…”


Look, cellmate 17389 you don’t know me. Maybe I chugged a few too many wine coolers that night, and Joey called me fat, okay? And I loved Joey and he didn’t love me back, and I was feeling chunky that night. And maybe, just maybe, your buddy, cellmate 71377 or as I like to call him, Jorge, told me I was a fine slice of white-heaven as he held my hair back while I vomited on his shoes.


Would you say no to that, cellmate 17389? Would you?!


Or maybe the guy I screwed was way out of my league. It doesn’t matter that it’s taking him way tooooooooo long to figure out that simple math in his head, stranger who is at a loss for words. And maybe, just maybe, he likes high-fiving more than the average male. Whatever, he’s hot, dumb and was filled with the adequate amount of ruffies at the time. Sorry if I saw this golden opportunity and jumped on it… literally.


I’m an opportunist, not a thismightbewrongist.



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Comment by Treeshadow on June 11, 2011 at 9:04pm
Mucho hilarioso.
Comment by Mike McHuman on June 11, 2011 at 12:53am
natalie, I feel exactly the same way and I just hope cellmate 17389 understands my feelings for cellmate 71344. But this isn't about me and that night of hopeless abandon, it's about you and I just want to let you know that I feel you. Not literally, of course.
Comment by Ryan on June 9, 2011 at 9:21am

You really need to start filming it, because if they come forward with the tape, your popularity sky rockets immediately.

It's worked since day one. How do you think the Olson twins got on Full House?

Comment by Ian on June 6, 2011 at 8:24pm

Wine coolers?  Must have been in the 1990's.

I wouldn't believe "Gross" unless maybe you had an

'accident' over him or something. 



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