A great thing about funnyordie.com is that you can see the entire history of what a user has said. Like for example, THE FUCKING MOUNTAINS OF GREASY COMMENT SPAM THAT THE FOLLOWING USERS HAVE SPEWED OUT AT OUR FACES.
How many times have you checked your email and said "Oh I wish I knew who these bastards are that keep pumping out all this spam." Well, amazingly, FOD comment spammers aren't anonymous about it at all! They're even using their real names to help their careers. Their faces are right there in the videos they're spamming. Yea that's really gonna work, because one thing people absolutely love are spammers.
What I'm talking about here is *comment* spam, not FOD email spam. In other words, when someone shamelessly posts a comment under a video that's just a URL to their video. (How is that a "comment"?)
I encourage you to do as I do- when someone spams a link to their video, click the link, then click Die without even watching the video. Sometimes I also post (spam) a link into their comments to ClayJunky's weblog post about "IFM" (Inappropriate FOD Marketing).
Here's a sampling I came up with in 20 minutes, thanks to the FireShot firefox Add-On which I already had installed anyway for work stuff. This is in no particular order, and there are plenty more FOD spammers than these. Don't forget to notice the number of pages...
"I Am Rotwang, and So Can You"
I hadn't planned on this becoming, like, an actual weblog. It was just a one-off so that I had a url to point my counter-spam-spam at, to fight the rampant comment spam here on FOD. But then ClayJunky had to come along and start a frickin revolution against an even deeper problem here on FOD- people becoming hypersensitive and overly nice; unwilling to be critical. Well, since I'm plenty critical, and since this is actually becoming a real weblog, I will kill both birds with one stone, by beginning this the way most weblogs begin, with an introduction.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am a FOD user named Rotwang,
AND I AM A PHONY.
I AM A POSER.
Yes. It's true. I can't keep up the act any longer. To explain how and why, we must go way back, to an earlier time. To the past, Conan? Yes, Andy, all the way to the year 2007.
Funnyordie.com began as a site for critiquing funny videos, which of course it still is, although now it's become more social- "facebookization", I call it. I am a brutally honest critic here. Sadly, that's a dying breed, hence Clay's article. From the beginning, I aggravated FOD staff by complaining about Chosen One status, so much so that Eric Appel friended me on Facebook for 6 months, only to later call me an "asshole" on FOD, which isn't even as bad as what Seth Morris has called me ("cunt", among other names). (Myself, I don't go to namecalling unless I'm talking about spammers.)
I was/am similarly willing to be harsh in critiquing videos, and so I developed a reputation. It's kind of funny because the truth is, if you review my comment history, I post more positive comments than negative ones, as I point out in my profile description. Still, I sometimes get reactions from people when I comment on their videos- users I don't know have said things like "whew, I saw your icon and I was like 'oh shit', so I'm glad you liked it." (As if my opinion really matters anyway.) Or, if I'm negative about their videos, people forget that I'm usually positive, and spout descriptions of me like "you, the one who goes around to every single person on this site's video and criticizes it" (BTW, that was overzet. last week.)
And so, as the FOD society formed, I fell into the role of a villain. And it made sense for me, and seemed to fit. Hell I'm named after a fictional villain.
But it's a lie.
I'm not a villain. I haven't got what it takes. I have all the side dishes, but I'm lacking in the essential ingredient for villainy:
I lack evil. Evil requires the will to be selfish at the expense of the group. In other words, acting in such a way that, if everyone acted that way, the society couldn't function. That just ain't me. I'm not one of the cool kids, I just dress like they do.
The truth is, I'm just another boring goodly citizen. If everyone acted like me, FOD would be a better place. BECAUSE IT'S A CRITIQUE SITE, PEOPLE. The videos would gradually get better and better based on the honest feedback.
Which brings us to tonight's sentence:Any honest criticism of a work, no matter how harsh, is an act of benevolence, not malice.
Use that all over FOD when people bitch at you for voting die or being critical. (And don't source me- I'm sure I'm not the first to put those words in a row!)
About the only exception I can come up with is if the criticism is based on misinformation. In which case it's accidental.
Anyway, long story short: Criticism is neither evil nor villainous. I choose to put on a villain costume so that I won't have to worry about being nice. ("And so can you!")
And I want to add something about constructive criticism. We have this idea in our heads from grade school that constructive criticism is the only kind you should voice. Most of my criticisms are constructive (even the positive ones). However, not all are, and not all should be. If a building is condemned, you don't fix it, you knock it down. Some things have NO merit whatsoever. I try to learn from a professional, the world's most well-known film critic, Roger Ebert: his critique of Rob Shneider's epic masterpiece, Deuce Bigalow: Eur....
Alright this is long enough by now, right.
In my next post, er, or at some point soon, I'll get into the methodology that I use to value videos. Because I actually think about these things. Take the advice or leave it, but I'll dump it out if you want it.
FOD has asked me to be the featured blogger on the FOD homepage all next week (mon-fri)! I'm expected to write an entry each day for the five days.
I know what you're thinking. I was (and frankly am) skeptical, because as many know, I've bumped heads with some of the FOD staff in the past. And, plus, I only have two (now, three) blog entries? Why choose me? And my last entry alluded to the namecalling I've received from FOD staff in the past. Is this a trap, guys?
I make web sites professionally, so I know there's all kinds of stuff they could do from their end to mess with me. But do they care? Who am I, really? But I kinda don't think it is a trap anyway, here's a rillawafers message:
hey man - i run the front page of funnyordie. i just wanted to give you a forum to speak your mind and talk about comedy and pretty much whatever you want.
i saw your most recent blog about comments and i figured why not give you a week to speak your mind about comedy... what you do like, what you don't like and why or whatever you want. of course no porn or anything crazy like that - but why not speak your mind while people are paying attention.
let me know - all you'd need to do is one blog a day ... sound good? start next monday? -dg
I mean, if this does end up being a trap, then any other FOD user who gets offered after this will be second-guessing the sincerity of the invitation.
On the other side of the coin, I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to slam the FOD staff, either. If this isn't a trap, then I'm not going to make them regret the offer. Hell I don't even dislike the way this site is run except for Chosen One status (which I'll have to at least mention, of course), and the namecalling by some of the staff (which I've already mentioned so I probably won't... as long as this is all on the level). There are a lot of great things about the FOD concept and the facility here. Hell, maybe that should be the topic of one of my blog posts.
Aaaanyway, what should I talk about, guys? The general topic is "what I like and don't like in comedy". But I've got 5 blog posts here, I can let one or two veer.
What do you think? We've become a close loving little dysfunctional family here, so if I'm gonna have 5 days to yammer, I want to include some paragraphs from my friends and link to your blogs, etc.
"Honesty Appreciation Week, Day 1"
Thanks to FOD and rillawafers for asking me to be this week's featured blogger on the funnyordie.com homepage. (Especially considering I only had two blog posts total.) I've loosely agreed to the topic "what I like/dislike in comedy", which for me, in my computer programmer mind, translated to "how I determine the value of a video". I'll more or less stick to that topic over the next five days of weblog entries this week. And a nod to last week's featured blogger, Steve Pilot- (I coincidentally commented on your blog without even knowing it was featured, btw).
If you're not one of my (like 4) regular readers, I wrote an introductory entry here. If you've been on FOD a while and you remember the *wangs (wangrot, hotwang, shotwang, botwang, barnwang (my favorite), sherlock wangs, fratwang), then you should know that I am the original wang, which the others are mocking and attempting to dilute. (No stupid Wang Chung joke here.)
To start the week off, I'm going to begin by circling in from a 1000 miles above. Before we talk about the comedians, we must begin with the stage. All art is judged in context, so let me discuss the context, which is funnyordie.com
I'm a software architect, I make and run web sites professionally, for the past 12 years. I used to be high up in IBM's technical hierarchy. I have to tell you all what a rare thing this is. This is a comedy video critique site. It's committed to being a critique site by the name and logo, and the rating system.
To give you an idea how rare this is- you have to imagine what the business plan for funnyordie.com is like. Most business plans for web sites typically talk about making a "positive environment" where users "interact and connect" and yada yada. A critique site is different- it's got an edge to it. It's bolder. Users are encouraged to judge and be judged. You put a video on youtube, you can disable ratings and comments. Not here.
There are three key features that are essential for funnyordie.com, which facilitate critique:
1. As mentioned above, the domain name, logo, and rating system are all conducive to honest feedback and commentary. This is like the constitution. The mission statement. It's funnyordie.com.
2. The fact that authors of videos can NOT delete comments posted about their videos, nor disable the ability to comment, nor disable ratings. (Well, unless you're FOD management, then you can use the hypocritical "Chosen One" absurdity. If the domain name is the constitution, then Chosen One status is like the Patriot Act; an imposition on the founding philosophy by the administration. (And by the way, I've read that Obama wants to renew it. Another campaign promise kaput.))
3. To my knowledge, FOD staff has never deleted anyone's comment besides spam. They've never stooped so low as to delete any of mine, and I've been, like, the biggest thorn in their side. So thanks for that FOD, credit where credit is due.
The day any of those three things change, you won't see grumpy old Rotwang around anymore. (And FOD staff will celebrate with a mimosa party.)
Add it all up, and you have something amazing. A critique site with free speech. In my capacity as a) a harsh and vocal critic and b) the guy who argues with the staff, I'm qualified to say- HOLY SHIT I THINK WE HAVE FREE SPEECH! And both the FOD staff and management deserve credit.
Now everyone get on your fat asses and go use it.
And in my capacity as a web developer I'm qualified to say that the FOD staff overall does a good job from a technical/design/production perspective, at least from what I can tell from the front end. (Well, except for dealing with comment spam. guys, come on, it's out of control. See my first weblog post, on Jan 1, 2010.) I remember back in 2007 when you couldn't rewind a video after you watched it, you had to, like, reload the page. The site is much more polished now. I have suggestions for new features, (of course, it's what I do for a living), but I'll save that for now.
By the way, speaking of the FOD staff, Eric Appel from FOD had once joked that the fake wang guy was actually the FOD staff. He was probably kidding, because the FOD staff are probably more professional than to take cheap shots like this:
I haven't seen the fake wang guy in a while, but I imagine if he sees this, he'll come out of hiding, into the light, and show my ugly faces.
Now that I have the context out of the way, tomorrow I'll get closer to the topic and talk about how I determine a video's value.
(btw, I'M BACK IN BLACK, BITCHES!!)
"Day 2: Alchemist Fat Chicks"
Today, day 2 of my week of fame and glory as the featured blogger on the FOD homepage, I will discuss the agreed-upon topic, my methodology for determining the value of a video.
The knee-jerk reaction is "if you laugh, click funny, if you don't, click die". And that's fine for an audience member- there ain't nothing wrong with that.
When I started commenting on FOD a couple years ago, I didn't have a plan about commenting or voting. Actually, in a way, I did, but I wasn't aware of it- what I like or dislike followed a pattern but I wasn't thinking about it. After all, you can't decide what you laugh at.
So I studied what I was doing (I want to get a grad degree in philosophy someday, is anyone surprised?), and I think I can break down critiquing into two models. Each model centers around resources (time, money), but they come at it from different angles.
1. The audience-centric resource model of critique.
2. The artist-centric resource model of critque.
I probably shouldn't call them "models" here because it's more like a spectrum- we all have both of these approaches in our head, but some people lean more to one side or another. Here's how they differ:
The audience-centric model is where you ask "was this worth my time to watch this?" (For film critics it would also be "is this film worth the $10 and 1:45 to go see"?)
That's a perfectly valid approach, I can't argue that that approach is wrong. Money talks.
The artist-centric model asks the question from the other direction: "What budget/resources did the artist have to work with when he made this?"
Now, obviously, the budgets for these videos aren't public- but we can all tell when something has no budget whatsoever and when something does, right? Hell, you can just look at the number of names in the credits. If some 16 year old fat girl does something beautiful with nothing but a webcam and an idea, I mean, that's pretty damn impressive. (After Star Wars came out, George Lucas was asked about the future of cinema, and he talked about how he was looking forward to the time when video cameras would be more cheap and available, so that "some fat girl in Wisconson could be the next mozart", or something like that.)
That's not to say I hate everything with a big budget, of course not. Remember, the question is, "what did the artist have to work with"? If you have a lot to work with and you do something great with it, that's great too.
Remember that video with the spiders on drugs?
That guy blogged about that, he said he made it in his backyard with a budget of $100. I mean, that's fucking brilliant and funny. (That guy should put that shit on FOD already.)
But a budget isn't evil, here's a FOD video I liked, that clearly has some cash behind it: Rich Dicks.
Anyway, if you can't already tell, I lean way towards the fat girl on the spectrum here. If I see someone's Favorites list on their FOD profile that's all big budget stuff with tons of views, I'm like "you golddigging whore". There's just no love there. No love at all.
Think of it this way- someone has to make a decision about who gets creative control of a big budget, right? How should they make that decision? Nobody STARTS OUT with a big budget, right? So you have to be able to judge someone's work by what the artist had to deal with. And this isn't like other professions where you can just have a degree and good grades. Having a BFA diploma from a good art school doesn't mean you're a good artist, BELIEVE ME, I HAVE ONE.
One of my FOD friends, Butch Jackson, makes a bunch of videos with like no budget. He's a fat girl. It's not all great, a lot of them suck. But some of it is good, and he made that out of thin air compared to a polished FOD exclusive vid. (I kinda feel the same way about Jason Sereno, and he's starting to get a bigger budget now, I think.)
It had like 200 views when I found it on Amy4Bird's favorites list. It's totally awesome and it cost like $0.00 to make.
But then NicePeter did something with a bigger budget, the Santa Claus rap thing. Totally lame. (I don't know his level of involvement of how much control he had.) Rap parodies are overdone already, but a Santa rap is like doubly lame. Failblog should post that video with the title "BIGGER BUDGET FAIL".
I'm still eager to see more stuff from NicePeter though. (You HAVE to judge artists only by their best work. It's the law.)
That's enough for today. I actually don't know what I'm posting tomorrow. I have a plan for thursday and for friday, but wednesday is a hole. Any suggestions? Maybe more of this stuff, I don't know.
"Day 3: The Most Underrated video on funnyordie.com"
OK, everyone just take a deeeeep breath.
So, today, my third day of being the featured blogger on the FOD homepage, was going to be my "play it by ear" day, where I go free-styling like the hiphopopotamus (shuttle to 2:30). ("Sometimes when I free-stye, I... lose confidence.")
But then, the FOD staffers came into the comments of my last blog entry and the fire started up. I'm not slamming them for doing so- they were on the level, expressing their honest opinions, and I like it when anyone speaks up, even if I disagree. And also some guy, Tyghtrope, chimed in too.
But where does that leave me here writing this? How appropriate that one of the criticial commenters is named "Tyghtrope". I'm totally on a tightrope here. The poker pot is piled high and I have, like, a pair of 8's. This blog post better be good. And it won't be. (Living up to the name "Funny or Die".)
But I'm not playing myself as an innocent victim either- I'm Rotwang, I bring these storms to me, it's my fault, it's masochistic. And I'm totally fair game.
Still and all, can I just say that my previous two blog posts were attempts to be CAREFUL. I was trying to be respectul of FOD in the first one, and then respectful of FOD's (rillawafer's) requested topic in the second one. Rotwang FAIL.
The weblog entry that I'm going to post tomorrow is something that I actually wrote on Sunday. It's the second weblog post I wrote when I was planning out this week. Tomorrow I'm going to post it word-for-word as I wrote it Sunday and I had decided it should land on Thursday. (Well, I'm going to *try* to do it word-for-word, anyway, as an act of, like, poetic purity in spite of the debates that have cropped up.) It's basically a big can of Rotwang venom. And only a bit of it is directed at FOD staff.)
So here's what I'm going to do in this, the impossible, unwinnable entry-
Well, after my post yesterday where I asked "what should I say tomorrow guys?", Clay suggested I talk about "group-think", which isn't a bad idea, considering that FOD has become more social over the past year ("facebookization", I've called it). In my computer programmer mind, that translated to "swarm intelligence", which is something I've done a lot of reading about for the past ten years.
And then I read Tyghtrope's comment "Not once in your post do you ever say what *you* find funny personally. " (Should I listen to this guy? I try to care about any criticism but his first post was complaining that I raped his sense of humor. Hey Tyghtrope, don't worry, I won't rape your sense of humor. I've seen your sense of humor, and I wouldn't put my cock anywhere near that.)
But a point is a point, and he kinda has a point. (Even though, um, I linked to 4 videos that I "find funny personally", there, Tyghtrope. So... your "not once" comment........................... um.....)
If anyone wants to know "what Rotwang finds funny", then just look at the Favorites list on my profile. It's kind of lame if I just regurgitate that in blog form here. (Btw, I find that you can glean a lot about someone from their Favorites list, it's very telling.)
So ultimately this is a question of "selective failure". No matter what I say, it's going to get slammed by someone. I can't choose whether or not to fail, but I can choose how I fail. So here's what I choose:
I'm going to talk at length about my single favorite video on FOD, "the Il Gatto video". (Is that a safe topic or am I already doomed?)
What I want to say about Il Gatto is not just about the video itself, but about the way the FOD users reacted to it, which is as or more interesting than the video itself. "Group-think", or rather, a lack-thereof.
Everyone watch the Il Gatto video again:
Written by Heather Anne Campbell, who I've gone around on FOD joking that I'm in love with. Well, not joking. (I'm so wide open to 1000 snarky comments here.)
I am like TOTALLY RIDICULOUSLY UNQUALIFIED to say this, but, when I watch Il Gatto and consider that it's written and performed by a woman, I think of it as being a parody of the masculine "showdown" mentality, and I imagine that might appeal to women watching it. No? (This is as ridiculous as if I were to talk about black people's perspectives, when I'm so white that if I take off my shirt and stand in front of my window, ships start coming in from the North Atlantic.) I can say it appeals to me because I'm Rotwang and I do a lot of showdowns in my stupid armchair "internet tough guy" way.
So I would think this would have broad appeal, spanning the gender line, right?
Apparently not. It's got a 55%.
MY FAVORITE FOD VIDEO HAS A FUCKING 55%!!!!
But that's not even the really interesting part. The more amazing thing is when you read the comments. Go look. Read deep in.
Nine out of 10 comments are gleamingly positive. How does this happen? How do 9 out of 10 people absolutely love this, and yet it has a 55% on 25,000 views? WHO is voting die for this?
I think the answer is "unregistered users". You can't comment unless you're a registered user. My guess here is that registered users of FOD have seen more videos and have a better sensibility. Registered FOD users are maybe a more sophisticated audience? I don't know- I'm not so much asserting that, as I am suggesting it, as a possible explanation. Truth is, I have no idea, hence I thought it would be a good topic of discussion for a blog.
And it's not like something sneaky is going on, I don't think FOD artificially brought down the rating- FOD has since put at least two other Midnight Show videos on the homepage, ("Bible and the Gun" and, recently, "How to Have Sex"). I think more actually.
I guess this isn't "group-think" but, I don't know, "group-lack-of-think"? "individual-think?" In my huge nerd way, this facinates me. Remember, this is my favorite FOD video here. And I'm a loud-mouthed commenter who reads comments (no one else does), so to see comments praising this while it's barely above 50%.... this is like crack for Rotwang's hyperactive mind to try to figure out.
So anyway I want this to be somewhat discussive- have you seen this phenominon before? Or maybe just name some underrated videos that you like? Let's give some views to vids that need love.
While I'm talking about my favorites crop, here's some more cream-
For some reason, I've watched this video like 900 times, "Great Moments In History" Episode One.
As well as this one, a brief history of ron.
And this one (you're jumping into episode 2 but you'll catch on), Clark Kent Has A Dream (Ep. 2).
Mark my words, Ninja Sex Party is going to be the next big thing. They're in NYC, so I emailed them and offered to be an extra for free. I said, "you can stab me and I'll spray blood or something." Their latest: The Decision. (I wrote on Amy4Birds' wall: "You haven't seen this video yet. You know how I know? Because it's not on your favorites list." And she watched it and favorited it.
Well that's enough meat to shoot down today. Tomorrow, expect a big can of melodrammatic internet kickass. A blood bath of meaningless criticism that no one really reads.
I'm gonna give rillawafers some credit here, he has made me into a free-content-providing-user-bitch, and he should get a raise for it.
P.S. I'm linking to Butch Jackson again just because he asked. (Media whore.)
"Day 4: How To Get A Face-Full of Rotwang Venom"
Day 4 of my week as the featured blogger on the funnyordie.com homepage. Thanks to Eric Appel, who managed to debate me last night without calling me an asshole, asswipe, or any other ass-related derogatory terms. In all seriousness, our debate in the comments of my last entry is probably the fruit of this week. It's much more interesting that any of my actual blog entries with stupid cat pictures or whatever crap. FOD you should've just put eric and I in the same forum thread and said "GO" and it would've saved me the trouble of all this blogging. There's an old Steven Wright joke, "For my birthday someone gave me a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and turned them on, figured I'd let em just fight it out."
Today's entry I wrote on Sunday, it was the second blog post I wrote for this week. And I'm going to paste it here, more or less word-for-word. As an act of, like, poetic purity. And also because I don't want to come up with something new. Here it is:
Ok... hold on...
yea I know I'm on the air and the blog post has begun, just bear with me...
I need to find my... can opener...
I'm going to need to load up the glands behind my fangs for this, so hold on...
there. found it...
Today I lay down some Rotwang venom, internet tough guy style.
Today I will rattle off the top three ways to instantly get (one measly) die vote from Rotwang, and a blast of (ineffectual) Rotwang Venom (TM) underneath your video.
Steal someone else's idea.
If you see a video that's blatantly a copy of someone else's idea, it's your duty as a proud citizen of the internet to speak up and expose it. Unlike my world, the comedy world doesn't have patents. Only copyrights. Don't let that shit go by.
You've all gotta see this video of Joe Rogan busting Ned Holness (aka "Carlos Mencia")
I'm impressed with Joe for not slamming the guy up against a wall like George Lopez did- Joe is an MMA guy (I go to MMA classes at my gym, not that I'm anywhere near as tough as he is). I don't hit people unless they hit me first, and I respect that Joe could totally go physical on this guy but chose not to.
FOD accidentally stole an idea (it's more unfortunate coincidence than malicious, I think) from CollegeHumor.com for the "Ed Hardy Boys" piece. But it seems to be legitimately accidental- the two groups were working on the same (lame) idea at the same time. So I don't think FOD "stole" it per se. Still, someone made the decision to release it anyway, I guess.
Recycle old material, or an old, tired, overdone concept.
a) Rap Parodies are DEAD. It was funny when SNL did Lazy Sunday. It was funny when Jon Lajoie did Every Day Normal Guy. But even he put the nail in that coffin with Everyday Normal Crew.
b) Seriously, how many goddamned versions of this do we have to see?
I hate that these get stars and high ratings. It's been done, and it's easy to do.
c) Kevin Nealon was on Conan a few years ago, maybe 2006. He did his routine about reviewing porn "interested... interested... VERY interested... and then suddenly not interested". I watched that and I thought "wait, didn't he do that on SNL? He hasn't been an SNL cast member for like TEN years." You're regurgitating material from TEN years ago, Kevin? SERIOUSLY?
d) In the Ed Hardy Boys sketch I mentioned above- that Nick Kroll keeps doing that "Bobby Bottleservice" routine. How man damn times...STOP. Get a new act.
And the number 1 way to get a die vote:
Here we go....
My first ever blog post (which I thought would be my only blog post) was exposing some big time comment spammers here on FOD. When you see something because of spam, just vote die and don't watch it.
But I want to talk about one spammer in particular. The king. He goes by (at least) three names- ohcm, GoddamnitFilms, and JayKron. The ohcm account does the comment spamming. 20 pages of it.
On top of that, he posts complimentary comments from the ohcm account underneath (his own) videos on the GodDamnitFilms account. Here's one of his vids:
When I called him about on the Javkron account, in that comment thread above, he started rapidly posting comments with the Javkron account, to make it seem more legit. But he goofed- the time gaps between each comment weren't even long enough to have watched those videos.
But ignore the JavKron account for a second- the fact that ohcm complimented GodDamnitFilms is enough of an act of public masturbation to condemn this guy.
And hey FOD, you're hands aren't clean here- You posted that video on the homepage. Don't put spammers on the homepage, FOD. I don't have to be Mr. Internet Expert Guy to tell you that internet users hate spam, ok.
Admittedly that's only one video out of hundreds FOD puts up per year, so if it's just a mistake, ok, fine, I'd make the same mistake once a year if I ran FOD too. But even still- I'm not seeing these spam comments get deleted. Like, ever. Have your intern spend an hour a day, it's really not that hard to fix this problem, and it's been gradually getting worse for like the past year, FOD.
Yes, it's your site, not mine. You want to just let the weeds grow freely in your neglected garden, well I can't stop you.
So there's my top 3 list. I want to point out what's noticeably absent from this list:
PISS OFF ROTWANG.
You know why that's not on the list? Because any insult directed at me will NOT affect my opinion of someone's work. Inversely, if someone's nice to me, I won't start saying positive things about their work, either. (As stated in my "I am Rotwang" entry- "Any honest criticism of a work, no matter how harsh, is an act of benevolence, not malice.")
I'll give two examples- FOD users that I hate who make damn good work, and I say so in spite of hating them:
Seth Morris. Seth Morris is hugely talented and makes great videos. I really can't wrap my brain around the fact that Seth makes political videos (he did that Uncle Sam) series, and yet when I criticized his video, he immediately called me a cunt. And it wasn't like our argument "dissolved" into him calling me a cunt (followed by a "fat virgin"), he, like, went right to that, immediately. The first and second responses: "Rotwang (you cunt) it's clear you don't like this site. Consider not coming to it anymore." and: "Pry your pasty, virgin ass out of your special Sky Maul chair, get in your fat-guy-scooter and drive it off a cliff (or a curb). You are stupid dumb-dumb and also a jerk." How can a guy make political videos and yet not have a better mode of argument? Still, Seth makes good videos, so he's example number 1.
Amy Phillips. She did a video with Perez Hilton. I'm not even going to get into the gay marriage issue here, because it doesn't matter for what I'm saying. Whether you're in favor of gay marriage or against it, Perez Hilton is a careless self-indulgent childish name-caller. Speaking of namecalling, Perez called Prejean a "cunt", and a "bitch", on his blog, the day after the pageant. Amy Phillips, you're a woman, how do you feel about being so desperate for views that you worked with a guy who called a woman a cunt because she carefully stated the majority opinion of her state? If you're working with Perez Hilton, you're an opportunist.
Still, Amy is like ridiculously talented. Just really, really good.
Alright, that was what I wrote on Sunday. My venom glands are dry.
And just to make this a running joke:
"Day 5: [Provocative Title]"
[Day ] 5 [of my week as the featured blogger on the FOD homepage.]
[Snide comment about the comments from my last entry. ] [Self-deprecating comment about this blog not being as interesting as the comment exchange on wednesday with Eric. Again.]
[Snide paragraph of snidely snarky snideness.]
[Mediocre sex joke about Amy4Birds.]
[Word for word copy of sex joke above, with "ClayJunky" instead of "Amy4Birds" and add "with lots of KY and a wig".]
[SOMETHING IN ALL CAPS!!]
[Long philosophical exploration of some deeply arcane detail that facinated me endlessly that no one else cares about except like 2 of my readers who get it.]
[Relate some fictional story to FOD, or comedy.]
[Sneak in derogatory reference to Chosen One status in parenthesis.]
[Link to some totally awesome video from my favorites list and/or web site that vaguely relates. To keep the reader from falling asleep with all this damn text.]
[Defensive statement in anticipation of the disagreements that previous statements will cause.]
[Categorization of dangerous statements. Because I'm going soft these days.]
[Comparison of my opinion to something much worse so it doesn't seem to extreme or stupid.]
[Tangent, usually in parentheses.]
[Further philosophical exploration, which at this point has outstayed it's welcome in the minds of the readers, who are now utterly bored with it and think this entry is too long and should've been edited down so that they can go back to watching fart joke videos instead of listening to Rotwang pontificate forever about some stupid crap, when really all they were tuning in for is more fights between Rotwang and FOD staff, which was probably the only interesting thing about this blog anyway, though I tried, but I'm not a comedian, just a nerdy philosopher type who likes funny videos, trying to philosophize on a comedy site, which is probably disrespecting the venue, which is something I (now, hypocritically) criticize people for doing when they post videos that aren't intended to be funny.]
[Snide, conclusive, statement.]
And I know your formats too, so I'll write your comments for you all. The following are comments that FOD users will make at some point in their future, (not about this blog entry, but in general):
OMG Rot, you have a tattoo of a scorpion on your ass? Me too!
A wig and a banana.
Yep. A wig and a banana. Take that to the bank, kid.
OMG Rotwang, I'm PREGNANT. SHIT. I never should have let you and Clay convince me to do a threesome..... the seventh time.
I think it's yours. Don't tell Clay. Which end were you on? I was so drunk...
PS I hope it's yours XXooxOOxxOXOXxxoo :) :*
OMG Rotty I think I'm PREGNANT. Damnit, I thought this was medically impossible. Your little soldiers must've like sprayed venom on my ovaries and got out an egg. (My ovaries did repeat the same old material of "releasing an egg", so that probably pissed your little Rotwangs off.)
Oh wait nevermind it's just gas. WHEW.
This is a splendiferous rendition of rhetoric from an unscrupulous nobleman as yourself. There's been a paucity of tangeability in the quartet of your here-to-for dissertations on the appropo topics that
OMG LulZ nice bl0g rotwang dOOd!!
Bronze: "[some clever crap]" - [someone who's not rotwang]
Silver: "[some more clever crap]" - [someone who's not rotwang]
Gold: "[some even more clever crap]" - Trident
And todays worst caption was:
"It's Cactus-cock!! (Get it- "cactus-cock", cause that cactus is like, a cock, amiright? haha!!)" -Rotwang
Your weblog post was so bad that I literally feel as though my entire ancestry has been spat upon and violated, along with their livestock and the microscopic organisms that feed upon their feces.
Crap what pun can I put here... fuck... MOOOO... something... maybe a "baaaa-aaa-aaa" something...
Boy, making Rotwang the featured blogger was a cock-a-doodle-don't!
There! Brilliant. total burn.
In an alternate universe, Eric Appel is in the fashion industry, and he receives a phone call:
"Hello, this is Eric. What.... you're saying the emperor has no clothes? Oh my god we need to pull those fake suits off the shelves. Wait, wait, who are you? So you're not in the fashion industry? Just some kid? How did you get this number? Well, look, just don't buy those clothes, son, that's all we need you little consumers to do. Maybe if you grow up and do wardrobe for SNL or something then you can call me back." CLICK.
Ok, Rotwang, you're not a cunt. You're like 50 cunts. Fifty vaginas all lined up in a row.
Hey, man, yes, we'd love to have you as an extra in our next video. You're awesome!
And show up at the afterparty, it's gonna be chock full of girls,
We're gonna have fifty vaginas all lined up in a row!
It'll be like... some kind of... Ninja Sex Party. Dot com.
RAWK! I'll be back Polly I'm gonna buy some more vodka. RAWK! I'll be back Polly I'm gonna buy some more vodka. RAWK! I'll be back Polly I'm gonna buy some more vodka. RAWK! I'll be back Polly I'm gonna buy some more vodka. RAWK! OWW ROTWANG NOT SO ROUGH!
It's a miracle, baby, and you didn't even try.
Your blog is on the front page of funny or die.
Fuck - I can barely see the screen. Went to a couple of clubs, squeezed some ambrosial ass -I am reeking from the smell of cigar smoke and liquor - but not of sex. Christ, life is fine. Mr. .30 blood alcohol plans to pass out. Hope you've had a productive day. My cap mojo has said see ya soon.
(poste... more >
Fuck - I can barely see the screen. Went to a couple of clubs, squeezed some ambrosial ass -I am reeking from the smell of cigar smoke and liquor - but not of sex. Christ, life is fine. Mr. .30 blood alcohol plans to pass out. Hope you've had a productive day. My cap mojo has said see ya soon.
(posted 4 minutes ago)
(posted 3 minutes ago)
Thank you, Rotwung for using proper punctation and gramar.
Well, this is all just beneath me. Who do we fire for this? rillo-somebody-or-other, right?
Hey Rot, GREAT NEWS. Mpg just told me she's pregnant! I'm finally gonna be a father! We're getting married, fly in and be the best man dude!
It sure is dark in here, but these skittles are delicious. OM NOM NOM NOM!
"Funny and Alive!"
Namaste. My fellow starchildren, I am now a new man.
Gone are the days of my negativity, my venom, my vitrol. I've thrown out my dvd of Road Warrior. I've quit my MMA classes, and taken up crochet. Everything is beautiful to me now. It's all so clear.
If it isn't obvious yet, I'll just say it:
I have become a devotee of Lord Sri Krishna.
I would like to ask that you please forgive all of my past trespasses. Your videos are all beautiful, in their own way. For truly, isn't the most joyous thing our laughter? Should we not all laugh at everything as much as we can? We should even laugh at the FOD Presents show, as hard that may be to do. Don't be a Mr. Mumpy McGrumpy pants.
Please, join me. Never vote die on a video. Videos are the children of this community. The fruit of our loins. You wouldn't vote that a child should die, would you? The die button is only there to test us. After all, "FOD" rhymes with "GOD". FOD is testing us. Let us bow our heads and kneel to FOD.
So, my friends- we could all make some changes to become more positive.
Clay, instead of opening a "can of toughen the [naughty word] up", how about a can of lavendar scented soy milk, and offer it to the woman you love as she grows that beautiful being that will become my child. I mean- your child.
Amy, my lovely dearest. You are practically a Krishna yourself. Rays of sunshine beam from your every orifice. Yea, that one too. I would like a video from you where you teach Bob to sing the song of my peace-loving people, wearing a little orange toga. Cute pet videos are my new favorite!
Butch Jackson- instead of trying to make me crazy, surely you could make a video titled "making Rotwang unite with his inner woman"? Oh wait, you already did. Well then, at least could you please, stop killing trees.
WSS- You posted something negative to the world, and karma sent negativity back toward you. Thus, you are now positive.
-1 * -1 = 1. I rejoice.
And you, oh holiest and purest of pregnant nearly-mothers, mpg. Put down the cigarrettes, marijuanna, and alcohol, from which you are clearly still imbibing. Bat aside Clay's unquenchable lingam. Allow my bab- Clay's baby to grow, in the (very) wide velvet passageway of your sacred palace. May your garden of chrysanthemums give rise to an eagerly suckling honey bee, lovingly receiving the river of nector from the mountainous twin hills of your countryside. After all, I now share something new in common with Clay- I not only have the (thorough) knowledge of your yoni, but now he and I share the same haircut, as will your newborn infant. I too am now a cute little bald girl.
Trident, I have a confession to make. I've lied about something many times in the past. The truth is this:
You. Yes, you. You are more rapper than me. It's true.
christinacalph- A fair haired girl living in my fair city. Come over so that we may, um, explore the deepest parts of our inner beings. Especially yours. And bring those pain killers you got from the dentist. So that we may, um, reach a higher spiritual plane together. TEEHEE.
To tDm, Icronic, Rhiann0n, fissurefilms, bubbalicious, and all of you other cappers- sarcasm and irony are the work of the devil. Instead, make us laugh with the lighter sides of your pure heart. Let's not "cap" images anymore. Let's "uncap" them, so that they may fly freely. As you must know, tongue-in-cheek humor has no place here on funnyordie. (And please, don't make a lusty joke about "tongue-in-cheek" here. I'm looking at you, tDm.)
gottadime- No, no, my friend. Give a dime.
dicksuckchamp- I have never met you. But I would very, very much like to meet you. As soon as possible. Urgently. Repeatedly.
you have already
lead the way, by supporting
the art of haiku.
And please, help me when I stumble, as I walk along my new path. Please, by all means, delete my comments from your blog posts unless they are light and a.... It's easy to control what people say to us. Just remove their negative words, and then everything they say will be nice. Right?
And from now on I will turn the other cheek to those who spam, and spam, and spam to raise their ranking to a higher echelon. Let's not even use an ugly word like "Spam". Let's not call them "spammers". Let's call them something spiritual, like "Shockras Communicating Universal Mantras". Well, I guess that name's a little too long. Maybe we'll use the acronym for that for short.
Instead of helping FOD staff with their spam filtration system, I'm going to use my powers for something better- filtering out all negativity from the mothering FOD forest that we all energize from. Saying something negative shall be forbidden.
Which brings us to today's mantra:
Honesty is a negative force in our universe, it is born of the dark side, it is the malicious enemy of love, happiness, and most of all, faith.
Finally, starchildren, let me no longer be known by the name of that sad old, dark character, "Rotwang".
Instead, I will rise out of that deep pit, and bathe in the light. By losing my name, I will shed my scaled skin, and leave my old imbalanced ways behind.
And with the christening of my new namesake, I will become born again, into the world of peace and beauty, and love.
And now, as I am drawn in to the loving arms of my Krishna brothers and sisters,
Let me now and forever be known by the name:
"Conan Obrien at Radio City Music Hall"
Last week, I attended the June 1st, 2010 Conan Obrien Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour live show at Radio City. Along with me was my old college roomate, who is even more of a huge nerd than I. (Smarter than me, but less sexy.) He flew in from California on vacation, and this was the main event of his trip.
If they ever put these shows on DVD after Conan's contractual limitations end, then you may end up seeing the recording of it someday. As such, my description of it here may have spoilers. So, before I spoil anything, here's the stuff that doesn't spoil anything. (The "preserves"?)
If you've been asleep for months and you're not following this whole drama- NBC decided to move Jay Leno back to 11:35, Jay said "sounds good to me!", and Conan said "um no, I'm walking, you assholes". The result of that was the I'm With Coco movement. Including several protests and rallies nationwide. I tried to attend one at Rockafeller Center in March, (with plans to record it and make a FOD video out of it), but it got broken up by police before I got there. As if 500 nerdy white people are really ever going to get out of hand.
Conan was legally prohibited from being on television, film, or the internet. So he went on tour, doing a show along with the usuals from his show- the band, Andy Richter, and his writers. And my favorite- Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog.
I bought the mid-priced, $65 seats. We were around the middle of the floor level, over on the left, in the middle of our row.
I will say this- you know how Conan jokes about being physically inferior and out of shape? He's lying. He was running around doing crazy stuff the entire show. Playing songs, singing, running up into the mezzanine seats. I was out of breath watching him, and I'm in my 30's. He's in his mid-40's.
Now for the spoilers:
The opening guy, Reggie Watts, was *amazing*. He did 1/2 hour of... abstract music-supported awesome artistic stuff. Just amazing! He was so abstract that when Conan came on to do his monologue, his humor felt so left brained and mainstream. They actually did an intermission after him, which I thought was kind of weird. I mean it was only 45 mins in to a 3 hour show.
So then after Reggie and the intermission, they show a video. The video starts with a closeup of Conan. Like VERY closeup, on his eyes and nose and beard. And it zooms back slowly and reveals that he is lying on the floor surrounded by beer bottles and open pizza boxes, and wearing a fat suit. It's a very funny video and later it involved his daughter, who is very cute.
Conan comes on after video and does his monologue. My favorite joke was "I was so depressed I was hearing voices. Voices saying things like 'Daddy, we need food'. Bah, you kids get out of my way." Also of note was Conan randomly trying to get the crowd to chant "USA! USA! USA!", and then pointing out that patriotism totally doesn't logically follow what he just said. He did that two or three times.
When Andy was introduced, he came on singing the trololo song.
I don't remember the order of operations here, but, at some point, they play a video of Triumph. I didn't know whether or not he had the legal rights to still have Triumph. But here he is, doing a "Mad-Lib" comedy bit. The crowd was upset about the Brooklyn Lager line. And rightfully so. (Myself, I like Brooklyn IPA, from the same brewery.) My favorite line is "The state flower is... Anderson Cooper."
There were a couple more routines and videos. Conan brought out the masturbating bear, and said "I can't legally have you here, so ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce you to... the Self Pleasuring Panda." And he puts a panda mask over the masturbating bear, who then self-pleasures himself.
The musical guest was Vampire Weekend, who did a more punk-rockish version of their song Walcott, with Conan playing rhythm guitar on their request.
Finally, we get to the big event. The surprise guests. Steven Colbert (my single favorite man in show business), comes out and gets in a "fight" with Conan and they agree to a dance-off to settle it. I don't need to narrate since there's video (again, not my video):this video too, which includes the "Self Pleasuring Panda" bit.
Finally, Conan does the Walker Texas Ranger Lever. He plays one clip, and then has celebrity guests come out and pull the lever: Bill Hader from SNL, John Krasinski from the Office (who used to be a page for Conan's old 12:35 show, btw), and finally Paul Rudd. The big finale clip was this one.
Conan sings one last song, a variation of that "at first I was afraid, I was petrified..." song, whatever it's called. Then he leaves, but the stage lights are still on. And we all know he's going to encore. And this goes on and on. The crowd started chanting "USA! USA! USA!" to get him back on. But then that died down. Finally he comes back on and sings that "Take a load off, Manny" song, and then runs down the aisle in the middle of it, and then runs up onto the mezzanine, and then runs down the stepped aisle balcony (if you've ever been to Radio City you know what I mean), to get back to the stage and finish the song.
All in all, a 3 hour show. Easily worth the $65 I spent.
I don't have a clever/snide Rotwang take on any of this. (For once.) That's alls I gots, peoples's. There it is.