(As you all can see, the reason it took so long is because there’s so much funny stuff here. We’ll get through it all as quickly as possible. When your name is called, please stand on your chair, jump up and down and wave your arms. Throw your feces if you must.)
The Vlad The Impaler®. Award(s).:
"Yes, yes -- everyone make penis joke about Vladimir . . . Vlad's penis like hull of battleship! Vlad's penis make Catholic mother squeal like virgin! Vlad's penis too wide and not fit in top hat! Vladimir's penis grows thick fur at base of head like mane of lion! So much time wasted on penis! Vladimir really more pratfall kind of guy."
"Vladimir know what little girl thinking, and answer is yes -- 'twould be as penetration from cone for traffic."
"I know not why people talk as they do about Vladimir . . . They know she ask for it -- look to shoes! She wears shoes and shoes say, give it to me, Vladimir."
"Vladimir keep little Aryan girl in front pocket for later."
"(*sigh*), Vladimir long for time when simple embrace not crush little girl like fagot of sticks."
John Slaney has made a very strong initial foray into TTTWD (Those Times That Were Different), and is, in my opinion, a Welcome Addition to CW. Congratulations to him for having merited a Special Category for his First Time Out Of The Barn. [ I nearly shit my pants as I was reading these (... aloud, and in the best, thickest Russian accent one can muster is the most appropriate method, I found.). ]
The Acromegalic Elegy.®:
"Thanks for the birthday wishes but I'm a 30 year old giant now, which means my organs are 'bout to susplode and bus' open and I will die...cheers!"
The “This Guy Has Some Balls.”® Award(s).:
No-Mark Records wishes to apologize for a printer's error...The Testicles Of A Giant antistar
In propper old roman fashion, the giant grabbed his testicles while delivering testimony, not so much to devote his words against the act of castration should they be false, no, he just does that whenever he feels like it. mellowpuma
"So I'll pay you minimum wage to scratch my balls when they get itchy." Mervin97
The Vlad The Inhaler®. Award(s).:
"excuse me sir, you dropped your cocaine." antistar
"Look, I don't care if you're tall or not, you need to stop selling crystal meth to small children in the library." antistar
The “Get It?®” Award.:
Pffft. He's telling his tall tales again. (Get it?) MacSpruce
i prefer it when they start with ' to cut a long story short' bigjas
Togor Kill. mellowpuma
Please don't eat me! jellybean13
When Paul Bunyon met Warwick Davis... Rebellious By Nature
"No I'm not really this tall,you've been smokin' too much of that MaryJane plant thats behind me." DonnieBrasco u cock-o
Now little lady let me see how flat the top of your head is... drwho
Damn..I thought this was The testimony of a G.I. Ant.
he's not that tall,he's wearing platform shoes. bigjas
He'd only be 7'9" without the elevator shoes. MacSpruce
I walked a mile IN his shoes. chuckkling
He stands corrected. (Thanks to Buttermilk for inspiration) chuckkling
"Say what you like about him, Igor the tent maker also makes a pretty good pair of pants". mellowpuma
"...the only car I could drive was a 1978 Asplundh Convertible. Talk about your gas guzzlers..." Ian Renga
Yes, Molly, I can see Russia and Sarah Palin's house from here. Gerhardguffaw
I'll explain Viagranomics to you when you're in high school. Gisele Noel
How's the weather up there..gringo? (Taken from George Lopez's material) chuckkling
It's brave that he has a little girl on the cover since he tells that detailed story about eating Wednesday Addams' heart. (well there's a new low for me) JJJ23
Hey little girl, guess why no one is allowed to use the rides at Disneyland in China? Because they're all short twerps like you! Mwhahaha. Jim(goldeneagle)
"There's no way this bitch is my kid." John Slaney
"No the air is the same for me as it is for you,you little cunt." Mervin97
We're all going to hell. Tom O'Brien
The 11+ Ten-Foot-Tall Tall-Tales.®:
11. I'm not touching this one with a 10' pole. Slant
10. Who wants to listen to an album of old weather forecasts? (sorry) JJJ23
9. Why Stan goes to such great lengths to insult late-period Wright Houses is another matter altogether.
8.5. I think the only thing anyone cares about..... can he dunk the ball?
8. He smiled down upon his breakfast and said "I will grind your bones to make my bread.... and your skin will go well with cheese..."
Rebellious By Nature
7.5. How come you're not green, mister?
7. He was a man of dubious ethics and his speech was suspiciously stilted. Buttermilk
6.75. White man doesn't need to jump.
6.5. "Hey mister, your hand is really big!!" That's be cause um I'm a GIANT!!
6. "What is this ladder you speak of?" chuckkling
5.75. Tree Hugger
5.5. When played backwards its just a short message
5.25. "Hey Kid, Wanna play limbo?" (unzip)
5. To add insult to injury, he also suffers from Micro-Penis! Michaelred73
4. He's getting her interested in Jackin' the Beanstalk. MacSpruce
3.75. just because he's tall, he thinks he's ssoooooo cool.
3.625. apparently, this "testimony" is being given in a food court
3.5. "Pretty tall? Guilty as charged, little judge! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha (etc.). I guess I'll have to go to tall prison, eh? Ha-ha-ha-
3.25. "Why are these people taking our picture, you ask? Because I'm different, that's why. What the hell have you got going for yourself? Oh, you cry a lot, I guess that's it."
3.125. actual testimony transcript: I'm tall. Taller than most people. You bought this record album after seeing that I'm taller than a little girl, & would be offering some sort of statement on the matter. Some of that money is mine now. I will use it to buy more ridiculous shoes.
3. the back cover shot caught her punching him in the balls while he loudly farts antistar
2.4. "You all need to trim your trees better".
2.3. "The tables at Denny's are the perfect height".
2.2."Guess what? The tops of your heads all look like crap."
2.1. "God made me this way because he obviously hates me, and wants me to be uncomfortable all of the time".
2. "What? You think I'm angry about this? I'm hung like a horse and strong as a gorilla. I could kill all of you and impregnate your wives in five hours! Cast aside your imaginary god, and bow before your new lord and master, insects!" mellowpuma
1.75. "Lets put it this way,if I was a women I could use you as a dildo."
1.5. "Not only does this give you an idea how tall I am but she's the size of my dick."
1.25. This is how high I shit.
1. "Yes,my sole purpose in life is to put the star on the Christmas tree,you fucking little cunt."
C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S !!!!!!!!!!
To All You BIG LUGs and LUGGESSes !!!!!
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