Children sufficiently Parentally instructed Results.
The Burden Shoulderers.®:
"Thanks for the frank,honest discussion,Sir.You can take your hand off my shoulder now and where the hell is my Dad anyways?!?!?"
DonnieBrasco u cock-o
Well Timmy... First your gonna want to grab her shoulder, Like this. And then you'll unzip your pants and expose yourself, like this.......
Step One: What to do when your child asks about sex.
The first thing a parent needs to do in this situation is shame the child. It is important that your child understands that he/she is a perverted degenerate. That bringing up such a disgusting, filthy topic to you, the parent, is a shocking, heart breaking event that you shall undoubtedly take to the grave.
Step Two: Establish how hideous your child's genitalia are in the eyes of God.
Step Three: The thin line between Satanism and insemination.
Step Four: Premarital eye contact: the silent sin.
Step Five: The hideous act of sex and why children are borne in sin.
Track5:"Son, it's hard for me to have to tell you this, but you're gay. You like other boys, so your mother and I will always have a boiling hate for you and your sinful ways."
"Sweetheart, it's hard for me to tell you this, but you're not supposed to have a hoo hoo and a winky. You are what the scientists call a Shanghai Surprise, so your father and I will always have a boiling hate for you and your sinful ways."
(You’ve Dis)Honor(ed the Family)able Mentions.®:
It's the oral exam Jessica failed on at the end of the record
Track 1; Son, thats what you call pocket pool.
Track 2; Honey,you'll stay a virgin if you keep wearing your hair like that.
Hey, Dad, why do Sarah and I look like the Maytag repairman?
Yes Timmy, JFK is very handsome, now get your hand out of your pocket and listen to his 'Ask Not What Her Cunt Can Do For You' speech.
It's about time that we told you about the birds and the bees and the reason that our religious sect marries 14 year old girls with disgustingly old men. I'm just going to let this record do all the talking, and nod aprovingly at the predetermined phrases. The back of the record jacket tells me when to nod. Our leader is so wise when it comes to child rearing!
Well ... you know how girls aren't very good at catching footballs?
Featuring the discussions: "You're never too young for a vasectomy" & "Jane discovers her polymorphous perverseness." Ian Renga
“The Courtship Of Toby's Father.”®:
"Toby, listen to me. Get your hand out of your pocket. Get it out. Did your mother buy you those short-pants? Jesus, they look ridiculous. I think your mother wants you to get pummeled at school. Anyway, didn't I just tell you to get your hand out of your pocket? And stop breathing through your mouth, you look like a sickly, retarded monkey. Did you know they invented this thing called a 'comb', that can make your hair not look like an advertisement for a new home for lice looking to settle down? Tobe, you're a mess. I was going to talk to you about sex, because your mother thought it would be helpful, but why don't you just keep spankin' it in the shower & we'll just pretend you know better. Now get the fuck out of here."
"Toby, I've got bad news for you. Those shorts have made you what they call 'impotent', meaning your ding-dong doesn't work & is basically useless. I'm not sure if it was the elastic waist, the cut, or wearing them so high on your torso, probably a combination of those things. Point is you're not a man, & you never will be. You need to get real interested in singing real quick, or you're going to find you don't have a place in this world. And I won't be there for you, at all. At any time. You're just going to have to figure it out yourself. Don't ask for money, don't tell anyone you used to live here, & change your name. And you're welcome for the suitcase I left in what used to be your room for packing your things. You've got four minutes. Get moving."
"Toby, in the 'comments' section of your report card, your teacher wrote 'can't keep his hand off his penis for five minutes', & quite frankly, I'm concerned."
"Toby, I wanted to try to talk to you about the birds & the bees, but seeing as you are currently injecting heroin into a vein in your penis, I think maybe we should postpone that talk & explore your heavy, crippling drug addiction. Whattya say, sport-o?"
"Toby, we're going to have a special talk today. Just go out into the garage, climb in the car, & be careful not to knock that hose wedged in the window. I started the car already so it'll be nice & warmed up for when I get there. If you feel sleepy, that's okay, you should take a nap, because it might be a little while before I can get there, on account of all this scotch I have to drink first."
Special Hard Truth Award.®:
"Your body will flush out an egg. But don't worry. There won't be a big egg in the toilet or anything." (-my mom. true story)
... And The S Winners Are ... .®:
9. It's about as far from easy listening as it gets.
8.9. Son, when you turn 14, I will give you my Pocket Pussy!
8.8. Laura, remember, don't ever fart until you're done!
8.7. ....you have to stick a hot dog down the front of your pants, and in a few years you'll need a salami!
8.5. But Dad, how do I know that you're not gay?
8.4. No son, a blow job does NOT actually involve blowing! Here, let me show you!
8.3. Side A (Boys), Track 12: "How to play paddy cake with your penis"
Side B (Girls), Track 14: "How to play paddy cake with a boys' penis"
8.2. That's right son, now go practice on your sister!
8. But Dad, why would I want to stick Mr. Doodles in Billy's butt?
7. Sex Tip #45...O.K., Timmy, this maneuver will require massive amounts of lube and some luck.
6. "Susan one day you will be spending a lot of time on your back".
"Billy you have a penis and one day you will stick it in a woman's vagina. Then you will know why we don't just kill them all".
5.2. You're old enough now, that I can tell you why daddy needs "alone time" whenever the women's tennis matches come on the TV
5. "No" means "Yes", now make me proud, son.
4. "...and so every 6 months he would have to have the warts surgically removed from his throat. Let's switch gears. Sex can be a beautiful thing..."
3.4. "Toby, when you put your penis in a vagina, it makes a baby 9 months later. Now go get me my fucking scotch."
3.3. "Look, Doris, your father looks like Lee Marvin after a night of exposure to intense radiation, so just use what little good looks you got & get some while you can. But if you come home pregnant, we have to do the Christian thing & send you packin', because I'm not going to be a fucking grandma at 40."
3.2. "Let's put it this way, Jimmy...your mother looks like Lee Marvin after a night of smashing his own face with a hammer, so here's your 'big talk': boff the first girl that'll let you. Then boff her again. Don't even think about it, just do it. Keep boffing her until your weenis is sore. Now get the fuck out of here."
3. " *ahem* hey Toby, we live in what is called 'the suburbs', which is supposed to be ideal, but what it really means is that you will soon embark on a long, Oedipal journey of rage & confusion, during which you will do things with your small penis that you will never forget, & will make you feel very, very bad for the rest of your life. You will probably listen to music made by Negroes, & will adopt their vernacular & speech patterns. You'll want to break things & not eat your vegetables. Your pals will get you to join a gang, & you'll go in to the city to buy drugs. You'll be arrested & the police-men will put their nightsticks in your poo-poo hole. You'll probably get tattoos that express conflicting statements of love & hate. You'll live on the street, & will let old people touch you for money. I guess what I'm saying is that we don't have it too bad, so good luck. C'mon, mom made macaroni & cheese."
2. "You see, Timmy, you put that in a woman for five minutes and if you're lucky you'll only lose half of everything you own and spend fifty thousand on therapy to find out you want to have sex with your mother."
"That's right Linda, if you play your cards right you can keep that savings account I gave you so it'll earn interest and keep you aloof enough to survive three to four husbands."
1.5. The record had a skip that kept playing a few crucial phrases over and over again. The kids ended up orphans when Mom and Dad eventually died of dehydration.
1.4. Side A: "Go ask your mother."
Side B: "Go ask your father."
1.3. Side A: "In."
Side B: "Out. Repeat if necessary."
1.2. No need, Mommy. Daddy's been instructing me three nights a week for about a year and a half now.
1. Well kids, sex is a sweaty, messy, smelly, undignified business. Try not to be disgusted, but other people are going to stick their tongues in your mouth (well, for starters anyway). You'll get somebody else's breath, body odor, saliva, mucus, and slime all over you. It can often be awkward, embarrassing, even downright humiliating. Your most private parts -- the ones that nobody else gets to see except you when you're alone in the bathroom -- are going to be on full display. Not just that, you're actually going to rub them against someone else's, and they'll rub theirs on yours. No, I'm not making this up. And you'll do this even though it can expose you to all kinds of viruses, bacteria, fungi, parasites -- as a matter of fact, more than 50 diseases that cause everything from severe itching to unsightly warts, to pus-oozing, body-rotting infections, to insanity and death. It may well make a liar of you; it will certainly make a fool of you -- repeatedly. It's no exaggeration to say that it's ruined countless people's lives -- emotionally, psychologically, financially.
And you're going to love every goddam second of it.
And you'll never feel like you're getting enough of it.
C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s
To All The Winners !!!!!
This was a tough one.
Stop being so fucking funny.
Now brush your teeth and go to bed.
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S E X
How Parents should instruct their Children