Memories Of The Old Country
1. Good, good. Now show me double handjob. Whatta ya mean 'why'? It adds to the mystery, and don't question my artistic direction, mother fucker. I'll tell EVERYBODY who the 'mystery singer' is and then what do you have??? NOTHING! You're fucking nothing without this shtick, so turn around and show me double handjob!
Now, comedy whirled is getting on in years, and it's time the newcomers got a history lesson, punctuated liberally by blatant self promotion. I'm not sure i have all the facts straight, because who has time for that, right? But anyway, lots of the old timers and egomaniacs here on comedy whirled made a voyage into this website from a place called fod. funny or die. we abbreviated out of hipness, yes.
#3. I used to play for Pensive State.
On fod, they had a caption contest where you voted on other people's captions, it was mostly a popularity contest, but you could beat it sometimes. lots of cheating, collusion, disarray, it was anarchy baby. they put up a new picture at around 10 pm or 1 am every day, depending on where you lived. anyway, perfect for drinking. so there were all these people, quite a few sloshed, just being as blue as they could get away with. that part was great. once a week the gods of the pit picked one caption as the best and they received a free "t shirt". it was a terrible shirt, it gave everyone rashes, i can verify this. they sold it too, but i mean, buying something that you could win? it would've felt like giving up. also you'd be buying rashes.
1. It usually takes at least two "professionals" when the pupil is "reluctant."
and there were trolls, like this one guy, 911. he'd compare everything to 9/11. everything. i really liked playing with the trolls. one of them, cant remember who, i rebuked everything they said by quoting rock n' roll facts, until they finally realized that i would never stop. that's right, i fed a troll to death. it was awesome.
1. But if you only need dim candlelight, the Goldstein Brothers are available.
Oh yeah, once this guy i didn't know, john lajolie, asked what a "murder boner" was. there was some picture of a guy at a gun show sitting behind a folding table, and my caption was something like "yeah he's totally using that table to hide his murder boner". so name dropped. i just got around to watching "the league" and was like, niceee. my point being you always had this odd impression that, like, weird al or pee wee herman or some yet to be discovered serial killer or bill clinton might be reading your stuff.
1. "Whatcha gon' do with all that hate?
All that hate for different race?"
"I'm a get get get you sore,
Get you sore n' make Total War!"
2. Gymnastics and Dance makes you free
So there was this main caption contest, but there were blogs too, one of which hosted their own contest. westside slant, our founder and godfather of stuffs hosted it. it took me forever to get on the ranked comments there. and there was this guy who, in a very odd way glued, nearly everyone together. his name was theDIRTYmidget.
1.5“ ... An Introduction To Suicide Pacts. ”
1.3“ ... It Chases Imaginary Objects While You Chase Imaginary Love. ”
1.2“ ... An Interspecies Guide To Coping With Ugly Wallpaper. ”
1.1“ ... The Solace of a Rough Tongue In a Harsh World. ”
now, tDm, was like so blue it was crazy, but he was also really smart and funny. he's not dead by the way, and he's still all those things. but if fod was the jim henson/david bowie movie "the laboranth" tDm was hoggle. This shamanic guide who had very evil ulterior motives, but was really cool in the end. (his butt was cold?) anywaaay, most of the friends i made there i made through him. for a while though, i think he thought i was a lady? my avatar (ug) is mellowpuma, there was a whole cougar meme back then.
2. ..to get pregnant and donate your placenta to a good cause: The Don Ray Williams is Gonna Eat Your Placenta Charity.
we all had avitar (ug) pictures, and at one point i made everyone who wanted one, a metal hat. rather i photoshoped and scaled a picture of a metal thing onto their avitar's (ug) head. was i buying friends with favors? yes, yes i was. all the way. but also it was very funny to me and i enjoyed it immensely and unironically.
And the "Best Mockery Of The Subtle Prose And Beautiful Man-Voice Of Terry Bradshaw" award goes to:
"I never understood real understanding means the stands need to be stood under ..."
also, this was 2009 or so, it was a time of great suck. the plans you had for your future took a beating, and, rather than grab an uzi and go down to a post office, we told jokes to blow off steam. so, my thought was this: ok, imma do the big fun thing the cool kids are doing and host a caption contest (we said "imma" a lot back then). the audacity of hope, right? like 9 people commented on my first one, over the course of two weeks. at first i used pictures of cute animals and the challenge was to create the worst mental landscape these innocent creatures could inhabit, it was "The Most Horrible Caption Contest". most people captioned out of pity, because then the only other other caption contest was westsideslant's.
2. Dan Jarvis was such a professional sadist that everyone thought it was cute he made his kitten wear that frog hat all day, every day. They didn't know it weighed fourteen pounds and had spikes on the inside.
Amy4birds were da bomb, once, for christmas, she wrote me a blog about fantasy knives. i shit you not. like those weird ass knives you see in headshops sometimes. Now i was one of those guys who always looked at all the records in the record shops before the rich people wrecked the houses/money, and just loved the odd as hell old album covers. most of these album covers are a remnant of "arranged image photography" a whole branch of art which has utterly no other venue into our culture aside from album covers. bla bla bla, it's fancy. also, i am cool, and like obscure things, due to my awesomeness.
1. This just screams of elegant blowjob.
6. Start spreading the nudes...
so much innuendo. much fun to be made. excellent fodder for our fertile imaginations. can you look at sinatra there and not think he's reclining for bj? the image was cleverly designed, so, yeah, they wanted you to think he was about to get fellated. it's crazy, but that was how they did stuff back then.
1. Sven dreamed of having a family of Special Olympic Medal winners and the ax was the key to that dream.
Honestly though, some of the best captions played against the image's intent. that up there, that's like verbal dadaism. fod, for a while it was great. but, there was this cold war that started. the morning people, they were so fucking positive about everything. i can remember being around 6 years old or so, and i didn't really know who dukakis was, but i remember telling my best friend that i'd like to punch him in the face, because regan was this cool guy, and ducakakis was against him, as if! So, it was the night drinkers (my camp) v.s. the morning coffee folk who still had normal jobs, and a semblance of a positive outlook. god i hated them. i seem to remember the name jeffer, much like dukakis, i never really knew him, i only knew what he represented. like i said, probably a great guy, but back then, different camps. it was odd.
6. ( “Thank God they’ve finally improved the technology for focusing my farts up my nose.” )
god, the competition was intense for the main caption contest. i can remember having captions that were so many votes ahead, then some duche would post something banal, and a half hour later all the votes were against whatever i did, and for "duh, farts bro!". now, fart jokes can be awesome, as seen above. the morning people! they were all against meeeee! and not just me, but the stuff i liked too. why did i care so much? because competition, duh bro! as harsh bro, as this was on my mellow, like man, more shit was commin. also there was no money or jobs.
2. Ah yes, the Serial Killer Scrapbook Mobile - the ultimate in abortion distraction devices.
They started posting the new captions IN THE MORNING! betrayal, foul play, assault on our castle! by the time we night drunks/regular non drinking folk who post at night posted anything "duh, farts bro" had 89 likes and 4 dislikes. I had already received my itchy t shirt, and was morally outraged for those not yet to shirt. also i am competitive and silly and easily manipulated by free stuff. the main contest was down, game over, and the era of the alternate contests had come to the full fullness of fullhood.
1. Before he joined the ministry, his name was Blow Job Roberts.
there was westsideslant, there was chuckkling, there was one other guy who's picture was a riddle of sorts(fissurefilms?), and there was me doing alt contests, and that's to whence our clan reverted, tunneling into the night like night tunneling things, IN THE NIIIGGHHHTT! our anti-ness had been established, never to be disestablished again, by any mentterrians. but the worser business bureau had a new torture all laid out for the night breed, loaded like a shotgun full of poop.
they made the background WHITE! it might sound odd, but this was the final straw. the night drunks had lost. they went with family friendly facebook, post a picture of your fucking sandwich - white. invite your shitty cousin, who you can't even stand to be near for two hours at holidays - white. it was no longer the dingy back alley were you could joke about domestic abuse on the high seas, it's as if our rock had been turned over. really though,the white background was a big thing.
1. The radiant glow behind the gate represents the eternal availabilty of oral-sex and opiates.
then the idiot children came, invited by the family friendly white background, that their mothers wouldn't bat an eye at if they glanced at the computer screen. now a black background, obviously that would have been something that warranted parental supervison. but good old white was a-ok! main contest winning captions usually started with "lol". i shit you not. it was fucking terrible.
1. Eventually made a porn movie with dove called "When Doves Cry For More"
3. Mike Adkins my ass. I know the dad from "Eight is Enough" when I see him.
in writing this, with the aid of beer and auto correct, i am again presented with the fact that i am easily outraged by silly shit. anyway, i stand by my choice, funny or die's caption contest community was mainly 15 year old boys named skylar or something special like that. they were special children, with special thoughts. hashtags were involved, i kept calling them pound signs to irritate people, i hated it.
1. "It's just like you to bring only one victim to a massacre!"
so slant in his wisdom set up comedy whirled, which is awesome. and we all live here, and have vowed to only type with our nads out, always. that was like the first thing we all agreed to, right?
what are your memories of the old days? aside from all this, i remember some roasts that got really really out of hand.
so my favorite group effort caption contests that i hosted awesomely are posted below. enjoy them, for they are all that remains of the old country, all the old comments were deleted by fod.