Comedy Whirled

Lockout For Lock Maker Looks Likely

In national news, it appears the employees and owners of the famous lock company DeadLocks came to an impasse today over revenue sharing and salary incentives, prompting those in the lock business to believe that a lockout is inevitable. The company known for its reliable securing mechanisms now finds itself in an unsafe situation. DeadLocks, a Cleveland, Ohio based company and one of the largest makers of locking devices in the world was founded in 1939 by Arthur, Frank, and Brian Dead, two of which are actually dead except for Frank. Many employees that were talked to were not optimistic. Virgil Marley, a Jamaican immigrant, who has worked for DeadLocks for 22 years put it this way, “we’ve listened to what ownership has to say and we’re really not impressed. It’s kind of like that story Goldie Locks and the Three Bears; we have listened to all the proposals but haven’t found one that is just right yet, if you know what I mean.” He added, “I have been a locksmith for over 20 years and I need a job. If I have to take my dreadlocks somewhere else as a free agent cheap suitcase lock maker, I will.” Frank Dead who had bolted to the Cayman Islands for some R and R had this to say via twitter: “they make fucking locks…how much money do they really need?” Another DeadLocks employee was asked what he thought about the possible lockout and expert diary lock maker Lee Ruppert had this to say, “the key to this lockout problem and reaching a deal with these people is a combination of things, but what I’m most upset about is that besides living in a bad sports town and not having a job, we may not be able to watch those horrific Browns or Cavaliers play this fall because of their potential lockouts. So what are we left with…the Indians and that WNBA team?” “I’d rather watch grass grow.” This is what he might have to do if he doesn’t have a job. Ruppert at least knows he can get a few lawn mowing gigs around his neighborhood. When Mr. Ruppert was later told that Cleveland hasn’t had a WBNA team since 2003, he immediately broke down in tears and locked himself in his car.       


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Comment by VomitFlop on July 3, 2011 at 8:24pm

What a brilliantly absurd notion. Maybe, they should just hire The Keymaker from The Matrix Reloaded . That could be the very solution to their problem. Or maybe not. 


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