Comedy Whirled

Comedy Whirled's December Contest



One of my favorite things to do as a kid during the holiday season, was write outlandish letters to Santa and mail them to The North Pole. It was a great way to kill time in class before school closed for winter break. Looking back, I guess my only real goal was to shock a bored postal worker and make him or her laugh. Like the time we wrote a letter to Santa as our school's Vice Principal. I'll never forget the great debate in the back of the class of whether or not the word "dildo" had an "e" on the end. I went with the potato argument, and we ended up asking for multiple dildoes.




Contest Rules:

The best letter to Santa wins $100.00. Your letter can be in blog form, or you can break out your camera and speak directly to Old St. Nick with a vlog entry. You can enter as many times as you'd like and there is no time or length limit... the only rule is that your letter must begin, "Dear Santa,"

Good luck everyone, we hope you have a great holiday season. Thanks again for all of the support over the past few months. Now get cracking, you've got until December 25th, 12:01am PST to get your letters in.


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Comment by Osopeludo on December 24, 2010 at 6:54am

Dear Santa,

 

I have been very un-naughty this year.  As such, I require three gifts from you.  Two would be too few, and four would more than I merit.  I
will list them below.  I think that
you will find my requests more than reasonable. 

 

My family lives on a farm in the northern part of the country.  It is extremely important that we extend the growing season as much as possible.  Every year in early spring we strap a
yoke to my cousin’s neck in an effort to plow the field even though the earth’s
frozen texture tends to wreak havoc on my cousin’s physical health.  As such, I would like you to send us
two large jars of protein powder. 
This should give my cousin that extra needed strength and stamina to
break the ground with less personal injury.

 

On the farm, I grow tomatoes.  They are award-winning tomatoes.  The farm is anything but organic.  Last year I grew a fourteen pound tomato.  It was enough to fill three five pound preserve jars.  You do the math.  I’m asking you for a set of
six phosphorous grenades.  The
neighborhood children find it amusing to trespass and have tomato wars.  They call me disturbed and crazy when I
run after them with my rake.  Well,
who’s crazy now.

 

Last, I would like a gross of catheters.  They’re not for me, but for my passengers.  There are no major airports in our area, so we tend to travel by automobile.  On our extended trips I get tired of hearing “I have to go to the
bathroom” every fifteen minutes.  I
once held my urine in for eight hours, then drank it to survive in a harsh
desert wasteland.  I wasn’t out of
gas.  I was just training.

 

Thank you in advance.

 

Sincerely,

 

Dwight Schrute

Assistant to the Regional Manager

Dunder Mifflin Paper Company

Comment by MacSpruce on December 22, 2010 at 10:10pm

Dear Mr Claus, 

 

You are hereby summoned to appear in Criminal Court to answer to complaints filed pursuant to Section 261.5, Section 288, and Section 647.6 of the Penal Code of the State of California.

 

Within twenty (20) days after you receive this Summons, excluding the

day you receive it, you must file an Answer to the attached Complaints if you want to deny the allegations. The original of your Answer must be filed with the Clerk’s Office of the Court of Criminal Pleas and must include proof that a copy of the Answer was served on the plaintiff(s) or his/her attorney who is named on this Summons.

 

Failure to file an Answer denying the allegations will result in a judgment against you, and action may be taken by the plaintiff(s) or his/her attorney to satisfy the judgment.

 

Dated: Dec 23, 2010         Clerk: J.Frost

 

Howie Cheatam (Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe; Attorneys at Law)

437 Vista Road

Clarkesville

Comment by Shag on December 18, 2010 at 7:23pm

Dear Santa,

I am not going to ask for a personal present this year, because my daddy has bought me many gifts in the past two months. He said that I could have anything that I want, if I don't tell anyone what he did. Instead, I am going to ask for a gift for my mommy.
Ever since my daddy came home from work early, my mommy has not been able to smile. You see, when daddy walked into the kitchen that day, the UPS guy was giving mommy a special package on the table. I think that it must have been clothing, because they were all over the floor. I am not sure what happened when my daddy saw mommy's new clothes, but he must not have liked them. He threw the UPS guy out the back window, and started yelling. The next time I saw my mommy, she had NO teeth!
So Santa, I want to ask for a special gift for my mommy. I would like you to give her some new teeth, so she will be able to smile again. I miss my mommy's smile.

Merry Christmas Santa,
Timmy

Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 17, 2010 at 6:31pm

Dear Santa,

Fuck You, and Fuck Your Toys.

Love,
The Easter Bunny.


P.S.: A PlayStation® 3 could go a long way toward changing my attitude.

Comment by Slant on December 12, 2010 at 12:57pm

Dear Santa,

 

I'd like a new QB please, this one is broken.

 

Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 7, 2010 at 2:21am
Dear Santa,
We are Jewish and don’t believe in you.
Please stop eating our cookies and fucking our mom.

I would also like a PlayStation® 3.

Sincerely,
Herschel Bernardi.
Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on December 7, 2010 at 2:20am
Dear Santa,
I’m really sick of assholes who use that ‘Satans Little Helper’ joke.
It really chaps my ass.

I’m gonna fuck you up.
Count on it.

I would also like a PlayStation® 3.

Sincerely,
Beelzebub.
Comment by mellowpuma on December 6, 2010 at 12:24am
Dear Santa

How can I say this nicely? There’s really no good way to say this. It’s over. I still believe in you, it isn’t that. I just don’t believe that you’re the one for me. I will always remember fondly all those nights by the fireplace. We did have some fun, didn’t we? I just don’t think it’s fair that “Christmas comes butt once a year” so to speak.

I’m sorry that I accused you of being my dad in a fake beard that one time. I don’t know what I was thinking. The light just caught your cheekbones in such a way that I could not help but acknowledge the resemblance.

I know that Mrs. Claus doesn’t really understand you, and I’m sorry for that. But I am not responsible for your happiness. I’m moving on, and I suggest that you do the same.

What do I want for Christmas? Not to give or receive a rim job. Or to hear your whole “it’s better to give than to receive” spiel again. What is your obsession with that? I suggest that you get some sort of counseling, because that stuff is super nasty. What? Did you do some time in prison or something? Jesus!

Anyway, I’ve drawn this out long enough, and my decision is final. Please don’t “come down my chimney” anymore.

Your Friend,
mellowpuma
Comment by mellowpuma on December 5, 2010 at 11:57pm
Dear Santa,

I would like a knife made of drugs.

I would like a house made of hookers. I’m not sure how the windows would work, so I’d like to propose that you invent transparent hookers. Not that I’m trying to tell you how to do your job, because I respect your professionalism. It’s just a suggestion.

I would like a tattoo of a tattoo of a guy making a tattoo of two kittens doing it.

I would like to ride a laser beam, all the while beating it like a rented mule. Also, I’d like it if the laser beam cried a little.

I would like the ability to resurrect the dead, so I can start a zombie stick fighting league. Also, I’d like it if Chuck Norris died, so I’d have a main attraction. It would also be cool if you could tell me where they buried Al Capone. Man that would be an awesome match up! Am I right or am I right?

I would like diplomatic immunity in every country, including my own, so I could pretty much do whatever I want to whoever I want whenever I want. This would of course include you Santa. And, Mrs, Claus. Don’t think I won’t tap dat neither, booya!

I would like to become omnipresent and omniscient. Then I would like to beat God at ping pong, so I can rub it in his face for the rest of eternity. But I would not make him create a rock so big he couldn’t lift it because I’m classy like that.

I would like one of those hologram thingys from star trek the next generation. But it has to be able to make boobies look super real! You hearin’ me Santa! They gotta look nice!

I would like the actor who played “Bull” on Night Court to stay in character and costume for a year and hang out with me while we have awesome adventures and find hidden treasure and stuff like that. I would also prefer it if he did not want me to pay him afterwards, because, nothing tears a friendship apart like money.

Your Friend Forever,
mellowpuma.
Comment by Bubba Licious on December 5, 2010 at 8:48pm
Dear Santa,

Okay, I am going to keep this short. I really don't believe in you. I haven't since I was 10 years old, and figured out that it really was my dad who was dressing up in your garb, visiting our house, and bringing gifts. Why did it take me so long to put two and two together, and realize that whenever you showed up, my dad disappeared? What can I say? I was gullible.

So, why am I writing a letter to you 35 years later? I've finally decided to give you a second chance to prove you're real. I seem to recall that you keep a list. A list of who's been naughty, and who's been nice. Well, if you care to check, you will see that I have been especially nice this year. Hell, what am I saying? I've been nice every damn year and what have I got to show for it? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Okay, okay, I can already hear you say, “But you have a beautiful, loving wife, a wonderful daughter, a home, a job, the complete first season of Glee on DVD”—is there a better rendition of “Don't Stop Believing?” I don't think so. Even Steve Perry, if he were alive today, would have to admit it...what? He is still alive? No shit?

But I think I've been such a one helluva goody-two-shoes, that I deserve a bit more. That list you got? Well, I've got a little list of my own. Got the idea from “Friends.” Now, don't think for one second that I ever liked that show. My wife? She loves it. She thinks it is one of the funniest shows ever put on TV. Me, not so much. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever laughed even once through all the episodes I've seen. And I've seen 'em all. All, you say? If you didn't like the show, why did you watch all the episodes? Cause my wife likes them, that's why. And me being the epitome of GOODNESS, I sat right there, and watched them with her. Yeah, did you think I was kidding about the “being good” part?

But I'll bet you're a fan of the show, so you'll know what “list” I'm referring to. That's right, the list of celebrities it would be alright to sleep with, and your spouse will not hold it against you. Reality being what it is, the chance of a gassy, fat, bald, middle-aged, ugly, poor redneck ever getting within a square mile of any of these women is probably nil. That's where you come in. You could make it happen. Now, I'm not going to be overly greedy and selfish, and request something only for myself. So I'm throwing in my wife's list, too, because that's just the kind of guy I am: NICE. Remember? Okay, here's her list (in preferential order):

1.Johnny Depp
2.Jon Bon Jovi
3.Nathan Fillion
4.Victor Webster
5.George Clooney


Now mine:
1.Nigella Lawson
2.Kate Beckinsale
3.Halle Berry
4.Diane Lane
5.Helen Mirren (and don't give me any shit on this pick. It's my freakin' list, right? Right?!)


Now, I'm not sure how you're going to pull this off. But if you can deliver presents to all the kids of the world in one night, this should be a walk in the park for you. Thanks in advance, Santa Claus.

P.S. Please include a box of Viagra.

P.P.S. I fully realize that if you make this happen, then I will end up being put on your "naughty" list. Probably forever. But that's okay by me. It will be worth it.

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