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Let's Figure Out How trump Is Likely To Make America Great ... Again?

Let's Figure Out How trump Is Likely To Make America Great ... Again?

We haven't heard how trump is going to make Amercia great, maybe he hasn't figured it out yet himself.  So, why don't we help him?  I've come up with a few things he might be able/likely to use.  

You have to wonder what the first draft of that speech would look like ....

Can you think of any ways to make America great again that trump might conceivably use? Next, can you type?  Next, can you type the words you were thinking of?  Next, can you type the words you were thinking of in the white box below these words?  Next, will you type the words you were thinking of in the white box below these words?  I hope you just said yes five times!

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- Step one to making America great again: That show on NPR "All Things Considered", make them call it "Some Stuff Considered, But, Like, in a Fancy Pants Way".  If they want the money they should call it like it really is.

- Step two to making America great again: Declare rosie o'donnell officially dead. If she is, if she's not, I don't know, I'm not a doctor.  But just go ahead and do it. It'll be fine, no one will miss her.  The president of whatever television, I don't know, will come up and thank me.  I promise you.  The president of food will be like, "wow, we have all this extra food now".  You didn't capitalize her name right?  Good. Good. Keep doing that when I don't like them so I get it in the prompter.

- Step three to making America great again: Birth certificates become the new driver's licences for obvious citizen reasons.  But if you lose your birth certificate, the guy who finds it gets the option of becoming you, or trading with the person that found a birth certificate just before him.  The idea came to me at this kooky office Christmas party where I had to fire someone for giving me a terrible gift.

- Step four to making America great again: Take all the female supermodels from soviet bloc countries we can get for breeding stock. Drop off antiquated normal babies, at like McDonalds or something, they are useless.  Hello do you want fries with that?  Sheesh.  Half soviet offspring is gonna be a uuugeee key.

- Step five to making America great again: Staff as much of the government as possible with the children of female supermodels from soviet bloc countries.  trump children will, for the time being, be forced to bear the brunt of this effort.

- Step six to making America great again: Before deporting illegal Mexican immigrants .... let them see how much fun we're having building this here wall.  Ignore the immigrants until they become jealous of, like, our focus on this awesome wall.  Only let them in on the wall building fun when they pledge to give us ... an apple, a kite in good repair, a rat and a string to swing it with, twelve marbles, part of a jews-harp, a piece of blue bottle-glass to look through, a spool cannon, a key that wouldn't unlock anything, a fragment of chalk, a glass stopper of a decanter, a tin soldier, a couple of tadpoles, six fire crackers, a kitten with only one eye, a brass door knob, a dog collar-without a dog, the handle of a knife, four pieces of orange peel, a dilapidated old window sash, or the like.    Yeah, yeah, delete that last part, fine, you know that Einstein looking guy, his thing.  This typing guy, it's like he's half lawyer or something.  Oh really, what school?  Forget I asked.

-Step seven to making America great again: Put Barack Obama on the trial of the century for creating isis. Also, ask him why he refused to send weapons in to oppose ackmed dinner-jacket, where a lot of those guns would've ended up in isis's hands, which he created.  Why is he not backing the terrorists he created? Is he even a traitor to the terrorists? I don't know! That's a question I think he should answer.
Why did he murder OJ's wife, I think he should answer that one too. Oh, in advance if you don't like/believe that OJ thing, it's sarcasm, if you do like/believe it, it's not.  Watch my twitter much later to find out which one I really mean/meant.. 

-Step eight to making America Great again: Make PBS show kids the real stuff underneath the cookie monster so kids don't grow up thinking he's real then meeting some guy at a party in Hoboken and him being all "No really, I'm the Cookie Monster" then doing the voice and freaking ... er the kids ... out when they're, like, 45 15 and totally old enough to still believe in the cookie monster.  They can't see that thing where you cross out the words, right?  Good.  No, type everything, we'll edit it later.  No, no more deleting.  Type everything, we'll edit it later.

-Step nine to making America great again: Executive order congress to pass the best classiest laws ever. I mean world class laws that will erase the bad news. I'm talking laws they'll build nice marble columns for that everyone will come from all over the world to just look at, while staying in the best classiest hotels and golf course inclusive resort condominium investment opportunities. The presidents of those countries that don't like us so much right now will come here to just say, wow those are the laws we all need, you guys aren't the bad guys.  Also, I think they're really going to like the columns which we should approve as soon as possible.

-Step ten to making America great again: Make it so your assistant can change your old tweets without the dates and stuff making it look like you said something bad.  Same deal with other internet stuff too.  Then get rid of newspapers because of trees or something.  Oh, and that thing where you can take a picture of your computer screen with your computer or a camera, get rid of that too.

-Step eleven to making America great again: Get both houses of congress to call a vote on fat chicks. I'm not saying I'm against them, I'm not saying that.  I just think congress should weigh in on the subject.  That's all.  Just bring it up for a vote.  Hey, for some guys, that's their thing, which is beautiful.

-Step twelve to making America great again: Redefine the duties of the president to be less of a "commander in chief of the armed forces and absolute ruler of a horde of flying robot assassins" and more of a "fun uncle who trolls people on the internet" kind of a thing.

-Step thirteen to making America great again: If you vote for me, you can walk all over Area 13, even if it's some kind of crazy next generation weapons testing thing that we need to keep the Chinese away from.  For anyone with round eyes, Area 13: you can look all over it for the first month of my presidency, but only if you vote for me.  Ailens, whatever, it's all good.  Also, I need to make it so I know who voted for me, so nobody gets a free ride.  You're sure it's Area 51?  Ok, that then.  No let's keep rolling we'll edit it together later, and DONT edit it without me.  Also, this goes out on Friday at one or else, so make sure I'm here.

-Step fourteen to making America great again: Needlessly wandering into conversational points of no return for no reason whatsoever will become a new sport, and I will be it's new champion.

-Step fifteen to making America great again: Who says the president can't subcontract his presidenting out to cabinet secretaries?  If they're paid fairly, who's gonna complain?  Also, if there are any unions inside the oval office, they need to go on day one.  On day one everyone inside the white house is on a weekly contract, no exceptions.  We need to get rid of American exceptions-alism.

-Step sixteen to making America great again: Hire the Chinese to make America great again, but sell it to other countries at twice the price we paid the Chinese. Boom, I just doubled America's profits.

-Step fifteen point five to making America great again: Figure out how to stop the Chinese from selling a copy of the new America at 90% of what America is charging.

-Step seventeen to making America great again: The roaring twenties, the booming fifties and sixties, what did they have in common?  Before them were wars that killed off a big deal of the able bodied guys in the country, also less broads working.  Am I proposing that we go to war with another country to become great again?  No, that's crazy, you don't even get to keep the land or oil anymore.  But a thunderdome-like kill off of guys with jobs we have too many qualified applicants for?  Is it something we should be thinking about?  I think Obama should weigh in on this one.  (The broads with jobs now, forgetabout it, that deal's done)

-Step eighteen to making America great again: Where does it say that the son in law of the president can't assume all the powers of the president if the president wants to go to Cabo in May?  Is this communist Russia?  Do we have to goose step from the dry sauna to the wet sauna for our morning sweat?    Also, if the president has a super hot daughter, that guy kinda owes him big time.

-Step twenty to making America great again: Do not even try to make a step 19 because that katie couric will somehow make a whole thing of it, and there's another bleeder who's hot to do you, but doesn't realize it, so she comes after your strength, because she doesn't realize that she's a lady.  Ladies think they're men now, it's all upside down.  Also, step 19 had nothing to do with passing a law that makes ladies act like ladies and men act like men, no matter what you hear from katie couric.  Also, get one of my assistants to look up what a "cait" is.  Hey, didn't you get me that terrible Christmas present?  You're a white elephant, moron, you're fired!  Wait, that's gonna be an awesome secret service call sign.  You're back in.

-Step twenty one to making America great again: Get the police or something to make a deal where you can put preconditions on an interview after it has happened, like maybe a few hours after even.  Like for instance, if you were interviewed by katie couric and you called her two hours later, she'd totally have to pick up the phone, or you know, the police would handle it. 

-Step twenty two to making America great again: Flag pins, we all get them, but there's a microchip in them and it tells the cops if you're a crook.  And, like different kinds of people get different sized flag pins, for you know, like the men who like ... to watch ... men do things.  Idaknow or the Muslims that just came here from whateveristan.  Maybe not flag pins maybe like a certain jacket or like how motorcycle clubs have different patches.  Something like that, but like you gotta wear it so the police know if you're safe to trust with money or models from soviet bloc countries married to rich guys who have to go to Cabo in May or whatever.

-Step twenty three to making America great again: Yeah, I just read that last one.  Yeesh.  We can't all go around looking like motorcycle club guys, not without beards anyway.  New rule in America, you get at least one take back a week, more if you know, like you're important.  Motorcycle club jackets for everyone would totally give the Muslim guys an advantage with those beards.  Whew, did I dodge a bullet on that one.  Also, I'm not really a sleeveless jacket guy. I do like the ZZ Top though.  That one of them on that bones show, he's the best one of them.  He's one of the scientist guy's dads I think.  You only see him once in a while though.

-Step twenty four to making America great again: OK the take back thing would not extend to a meeting with a handshake, or a phone conversation where the investors sound really jazzed about the new marble column addition to the golf course inclusive resort condominium investment opportunity property in D.C. Those columns are already sitting on a boat dock in Italy for christsake.

-Step twenty five to making America great again: So we have to end these tax loopholes where rich guys can donate to a charity that their sons operate, then have their sons rent out like one of their father's top notch world class golf course inclusive resort condominium investment opportunity properties to the amount of the tax write off they took as a charitable donation on their taxes.  What, oh no it's those Chinese hackers again, luckily I've broken their hack by pressing the windows key over and over again.  We really do have to make Chinese hacking illegal in America, and when the hackers go to eurodisney, whoops! ... they figure out it's on American soil and they go to a secret jail under eurodisney.   Seriously, let's take five, and someone fix that glass wall there. Is it so weird that  all four walls look good?  Really guys, c'mon.  

-Step twenty six to making America great again: So the presidential candidates disclosing their financial records, what's that all about, am I right? It's like you're asking the Chinese hackers or the New York Times or whoever to come after the richer guy who's sure to be president.  Those silly disclosure forms are so long, and they don't even take into account the value of brand awareness that will shoot up astronomically after a cordial and gentlemanly run for the presidency.  It's like they're blindfolding you and asking you to hit the center of a dartboard, and then they don't care about the dartboard.  I'm not even exactly sure I have exact yearly assessments of the value of all my real estate holdings adjusted to monthly market fluctuation. Not sitting in front of me in a manila folder at this exact second anyway.  There are so many cabinets in here, precisely indexed cabinets.  But, paperwork, am I right?  TGIF!  Off to Cabo.  They don't know it's just my tax returns I'd be turning in, right?  Good.

-Step twenty seven to making America great again: Presidential debates, how can we be expected to pay attention to them when football games might be playing somewhere on some cable channel?  And some candidates, I'm not naming names, were on debate teams in school.  When I was in school, we made fun of those kids.  So if you want someone who got super bullied in school and lost their lunch money over and over again to be apologizer in chief, I guess you keep doing this debating nonsense.  Quick idea though, bare knuckle boxing?  I think Obama should weigh in on this one.  Why hasn't Obama weighed in on the debating v.s. bare knuckle boxing issue so far, I wonder? Is it possible he's scared of a bla .... bruised, yup, a bruised eye?

-Step twenty eight to making America great again: People who imitate celebrities online, get 'em outta here.  How sad is that, right?  Like, I'm so bored being me, boo hoo.  I'm going to pretend to be a big boy now.  Well, unless you can eat coal and crap diamonds, you don't want to even try to look at wearing my shoes in a window, pal.  Not even like a far away window, like in France, buddy.  Sheesh all these guys pretending to be me, but really I get it, the cool cars, the women, the awesome suits.  I'm like a real life Charles Bronson.

Step twenty nine to making America great againFor far too long, the iconic symbol of America, the bald eagle, has suffered the indignity of being, well, bald. Because of this, the more hirsute symbols of not-even-close-to-being-great countries snicker and joke about it behind our backs. Russian bears, Chinese pandas, Canadian beavers, Austrian kangaroos, to name a few ... yeah, they're all ROTFLMAOing about it. To make America great again, we need to make avian alopecia a thing of the past. Henceforth, every bald eagle in the land should be fitted with the genuine all-American* Trump brand Un-bald Eagle Hairpiece®. Then we'll see who has the last laugh!

*Made in China

Step thirty to making Amercia great again:  We gotta use some of these nukes, they're just sitting around in the silos or wherever collecting dust, we gotta use these nukes. A lot of people are saying we're weak if we don't use these nukes, I've heard it from a lot of people, and I have the best people believe me. These other countries, Russia, China, England, you know our biggest enemies, they're laughing at us, and I'll put a stop to that day one by nuking their capitols. A lot of people in this country think that civilization should be brought to a screeching halt, and I am their voice. 

Step thirty one to making America great again: So now, I'm a great dad.  And I raised the best kids, hands down, number one kids.   Now that they're all grown up, everybody's telling me I can't marry them or whatever, you know ...  Now the guys, yea I get that, whew, not even going there, am I right?  So though, I raise this great daughter, and I mean va va voom, like wow.  After I raise the amazing daughter some other shlub gets to marry her, and here's the real kicker, I don't even get to pick who it is.  I mean this guy owes me the biggest favor in the world, and I don't even get to collect?  So here's the new rule, you can marry your kids and do stuff, once they're like 19 or whatever, and you can only do this if you did an awesome job raising them, and they agree to marry you, or whatever.  Also, no dude on dude stuff.

Step thirty two to making America great again: OK, the farmers, they should get something, right. Like a medal that says great job farming because it's good. Your insurance thing you guys do, it's top notch, give them a medal for their insurance thing too. Sometimes the commercials though, not so great. Actually no medal for the insurance thing.

Step thirty three to making America great again: OK, so Iraq, we won that thing, why don't we get the oil there? Because hello, we won, they lost. Seems like a no brainer.  United Nations ato, give me a break guys.  There were bullets and stuff, bang bang pow pow.  We won, it's ours, boo hoo.  Fight harder next time guys. End of story.  

Step thirty four to making America great again: Why are we all down on Jeeter? He's a pro, top notch, aces, world class. I'm going to make a new sports league that's all about being the best and nothing else. So you got blood you saved up and put back in? Fine. My staff donates blood all the time, I think. Idaknow check on that. The sick people that get our top of the line blood, can they not do sports ever now?  We're also going to have a hall of fame that takes back all those guys kicked out of the other halls of fame.  Brass everywhere.

Step thirty five to making America great again: We gotta get rid of this loser's bracket in the Little League World Series. I want winners folks, no second chances. If you're twelve and you can't win a game against kids from South America and Gina, how can I count on you to win the wars I'm gonna start with them in a few years? I mean, C'mon. I'm going to instate a program I call Every Loser Child Left Behind and we're gonna get this thing fixed. Well not we, I alone!

Step thirty six to making America great again: I'm driven around all these suburbs, and I don't see any toll roads, nada.  Who is paying for all this asphalt, is it you?  Cause it sure isn't me, you can bet your last dime on that.  Never once have I seen a toll sidewalk either.  I mean come on, who's paying for all this?  Hardly anybody uses those sidewalks, except for bums and trashy types.  Real losers.  I mean, wouldn't you pay like five dollars extra if you got to walk on those like airport walkways instead?  And guess what, the bums can't sit on them, or they'd get sucked into the gears at the end. Win - win right?

Step thirty seven to making America great again: So they just told me what a "cait" is.  Wow, I mean just wow, right?  Dudes having their hang down shoved inside and then they're just a lady?  And I mean, this isn't just a funny thing they do in a movie that doesn't happen in real life.  My people tell me there's more than one of these guys. Listen, if you've worked hard all your life, maybe won some big award or something, sure, why not.  But I mean not just anybody should be able to get this done.  I mean it should be a rule that you have to like, win the Kentucky Derby, or the Boston Marathon or something before you can get this done, or like people are just going to be doing it because they're bored or whatever.  So, dudes turning into ladies, fine, but they need to win some big award first, like maybe in sports or whatever.  I mean if Aaron Rodgers or Coby Bryant wants to become a lady when they retire, fine.  No argument here.  But this "cait" "guy", terrible, what a loser.  I mean for Halloween, sure, but wow.

-Step thirty eight to making America great again:  Now I keep hearing about how it's bad that Mircon is being aggressive.  If they want to make top of the line computer parts, nobody should be all weird about it.  In my book, Micron should be more aggressive.  Micron should be treating the other computer companies like little girls who wandered onto a football field during the last play of the game.  More micron aggression!

-Step thirty nine to making America great again:  This list should be shorter.

OK so this mellowpuma guy did this, he's this guy or whatever, don't worry about it.  Seems like a loser though, right?  I mean am I talking while a guy types, or what, c'mon, explain it in the title or something, jeese.  Image and the eagle one by MacSpruce, jjj23 did the bomb one and the little league one.  Rosewater kinda did the daughter thing, but kinda different, so gimme a break, ok?
originally posted on ComedyWhirled.com go check it out or something, idaknow.  What?  If we're already there why are we crediting the site we're on?  Sheesh.   You're fired.  If you know somewhere to put this, maybe you can put it and they'll come here, idaknow.  Is that even a thing?  Still though, you're fired.

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Comment by mellowpuma on August 25, 2017 at 10:25am

"Step eighteen to making America great again: Where does it say that the son in law of the president can't assume all the powers of the president" 

Jared Kushner's responcibilities:
1. negotiating peace in the middle east
2. solving the opiod epidemic
3. getting mexico to pay for the wall
4. getting china to stop manipulating currency
5. reforming veteran's care
6. reformng the criminal justice system
7. making the entire government work like a business

Comment by Ian on January 27, 2017 at 6:09pm

No way in hell they let him near the tip of the spear.   Time to activate the men who stared at goats. 

Comment by Bill Staples on January 12, 2017 at 6:12pm

Die?

Comment by Ian on September 20, 2016 at 10:01pm

Your "Drop off antiquated normal babies, at like McDonalds or something, they are useless" is one of the funniest things I've read on here, period.

The only way to make America great again is to bring back 2 TV Shows:  Moonlighting and Quantum Leap, both with the original cast members. 

Comment by Rotwang on August 23, 2016 at 1:49am

We gotta stop all these yuuuugely long internet weblog posts.  Didn't we learn that from twitter, people?  I mean, if you can't insult an ethnicity in under 140 characters, then you're a loser.  You go these sites- the sites like that comedywhirled where they let you write super long posts.  It's gotta stop, people, it's gotta stop.  I'm gonna build a wall around comedywhirld's overly verbose weblogs, and I'm gonna make slant pay for it.  America needs to start saying tl;dr again.  

Comment by JJJ23 on August 20, 2016 at 3:00pm

We gotta get rid of this loser's bracket in the Little League World Series. I want winners folks, no second chances. If you're twelve and you can't win a game against kids from South America and Gina, how can I count on you to win the wars I'm gonna start with them in a few years? I mean, C'mon. I'm going to instate a program I call Every Loser Child Left Behind and we're gonna get this thing fixed. Well not we, I alone.

Comment by 38chrysler on August 13, 2016 at 4:24pm

Make America Great Again... Make Obesity our National Sport... Have Yuuuge Sporting Events in Arenas sponsored by McDonalds, Hostess Twinkies, Armor Bacon and Krispy Kream Donuts.  Have contests and games like "Walking or Rolling?"  "Hide the Ferret"  "Will They Eat It"   "How Many Chins"  "Whats Under That Boobie"  and  "Guess The Autopsy"

Comment by JJJ23 on August 13, 2016 at 1:54pm

-A Step too far?: We gotta use some of these nukes, they're just sitting around in the silos or wherever collecting dust, we gotta use these nukes. A lot of people are saying we're weak if we don't use these nukes, I've heard it from a lot of people, and I have the best people believe me. These other countries, Russia, China, England, you know our biggest enemies, they're laughing at us, and I'll put a stop to that day one by nuking their capitols. A lot of people in this country think that civilization should be brought to a screeching halt, and I am their voice. 

Comment by MacSpruce on August 13, 2016 at 12:14pm

For far too long, the iconic symbol of America, the bald eagle, has suffered the indignity of being, well, bald. Because of this, the more hirsute symbols of not-even-close-to-being-great countries snicker and joke about it behind our backs. Russian bears, Chinese pandas, Canadian beavers, Austrian kangaroos, to name a few ... yeah, they're all ROTFLMAOing about it. To make America great again, we need to make avian alopecia a thing of the past. Henceforth, every bald eagle in the land should be fitted with the genuine all-American* Trump brand Un-bald Eagle Hairpiece®. Then we'll see who has the last laugh!

*Made in China

Comment by Rosedude on August 13, 2016 at 9:48am

Make it legal to have an incestuous relationship with your daughter, provided she is hot enough.

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