Comedy Whirled

…I get that…and quite honestly it’s the world that’s got an issue…not me.


But come on! It is way to hard to jump on that “I want to lead a healthy lifestyle” bandwagon when you can literally buy ice cream/tacos/tiny polish sausages wrapped in torillas and topped of with bacon bits and a dollop of mayo out of a fucking wagon….and for only a buck too! Well…a $1.50 if you order extra mayo.


And I’m sorry, but any bandwagon that can spray nacho cheese directly into my mouth is the only wagon I ever want to be a part of.


Note to self: When rich enough, buy a wagon that can spray nacho cheese directly into my mouth…that or hire a midget with a Easy Cheez  spray can glued permanently to their left hand, preferably sharp cheddar…or American…I’m not too picky…well maybe rich Natalie  will be picky…we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.


…I’m still too cheap to buy a voice recorder, so I’ve been leaving myself “note to self” notes everywhere…and let me tell you they are fucking hilarious to find weeks later after scribbling them down in my half-sleep stupor.


Any who…back to being unhealthy…I’m so disgustingly gross with the shit I eat that I’m currently working on a cookbook titled, “Cooking for Poor People” –which is pretty much whatever I ate my past four years at college… and now…and probably tomorrow.

Other title options…”Mayo for the Masses”…and “Mayo: Your Favorite White Frenemy”


…I’m a product of my environment, with it.


And how I’m not morbidly obese I have no fucking clue.


Actually that’s a lie…I do know why I’m not obese…I don’t eat any fucking carbs!


Instead…I mix honey mustard with a shit ton of mayo and use that as a fancy gourmet dipping sauce for roast beef/turkey/Vienna sausages… while reclining on my Ab-Lounge half naked and watching copious amounts of House Hunters International and ending my day with a tall refreshing glass of peanut butter.


…I can just feel George Washington Carver just beaming as I write this post…it’s like I can here him whispering sweetly into my ear…”That’s why I crushed a shit ton of peanuts…I did it for you, my skinny white princess, I did it for you and your low carb diet.”


And for that Mr. Carver…I will forever be indebted.


I can always tell when my lifestyle drives people crazy too…as I simulatenously shove four hotdogs (without a bun) down my gullet while wearing skinny jeans… just to look up and see a gaggle of skinny white girls just glaring at me…hoping…no begging God that my cholesterol is through the roof…or at the very least I’ll be forced to vomit those hot dogs back up at a later date and time.


But I think everyone should remember…healthy and skinny are not synonymous with one another…and I should not be punished with passive aggressive side glares from other skinny white bitches. Look, I figured out a loophole, which allows me to lose weight, while still eating the most disgustingly awesome foods ever.


And that my friends, is how America was won.


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Comment by FissureFilms on May 23, 2011 at 10:05am
LDL. Funny post, and welcome! Look forward to reading your blog.
Comment by Ian on May 17, 2011 at 1:00am
You're not morbidly obese because your metabolic rate is faster than others.  It's likely genetic and you're probably a natural athlete in addition to being a very entertaining scribe.

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