Comedy Whirled

I Can't Believe I Just Got De-friended

This is unbelievable. I was just in the shower when I realized it had been a while since I had read any annoying status messages from a particular Facebook friend. Luckily, I had the foresight to leave my iPhone on my towel, which was only a wet stretch away. I quickly opened the Facebook app, searched my friends and confirmed that I was in fact, de-friended. I took the rest of my shower in utter silence.

This person was one of my oldest Facebook friends. I met him on a joint business school/law school three-week study tour in Europe nearly five years ago. When the tour finished, we vowed to “keep in touch” and now that vow has been shattered.

This is the same guy who decided to go back to London for work after he graduated, and posts things written in some fake-assed British vernacular like: “In Notting Hill for a stroll,” or “On Holiday in Denmark!” or “My mum is coming for a visit!” Dude, you are from New Jersey!

I put up with this shit for FIVE years, and THIS is the thanks I get?? I have seen all of your photos of you wearing your stupid scarf and round glasses like some grotesque Harry Potter. I’ve seen you posing with your girlfriend “Heather,” who, by the way, is way too good for you. You are lucky she wasn’t on OUR trip…I would have tore that shit up.

Furthermore, I just checked my page to see if you wrote anything to me on my birthday last November, and I don’t see ANYTHING from you. I find it hard to believe that you would not have the common decency to wish me a happy birthday when only one month prior to my day, I took the time to craft the following birthday greeting for you: “Happy Birthday, man! I hope it’s great.” I also notice you responded with a blanket “Thanks everyone for your birthday wishes” as opposed to thanking each person individually, which would have been the classy move. Then again, what would you know about that?

Now you’ll never get a birthday greeting from me. I hope you are happy now, and I hope that all of your future birthdays suck major balls. Yeah, I said it. Fuck your birthday, fuck you…the next time you go walk to the “London Eye” why don’t you stop by the clock tower and shove Big Ben up your ass? By the way, “Big Ben” refers to the big bell not to the entire clock tower, motherfucker. I bet you didn’t know that because you were back in your room nursing a hangover like a pussy the day we took the bus tour. Actually, I’m not sure if that was you or that Mormon guy I de-friended a couple of years ago for being creepy, but in any case, you lost one of the best friends you could ever have on Facebook, and I am seriously thinking about removing you from my Linkedin network.

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Comment by Buttermilk on March 5, 2011 at 4:21pm
I am befriending you but don't expect anything more from me. Don't call, write or even act like this ever happened. You are now free to friend and de-friend me immediately to soften the blow. Yours at arm-length, I remain Buttermilk.
Comment by theDIRTYmidget.© on February 22, 2011 at 3:10am

Name THIS Heather, then and now. xo♥.

Comment by Krass on February 20, 2011 at 8:56am
Hmm N.D. Who could that be?
Comment by Krass on February 19, 2011 at 10:52pm
Comment by Ian on February 19, 2011 at 10:44pm
Comment by Krass on February 19, 2011 at 10:40pm

Bonus points if you know this one:


Comment by Ian on February 19, 2011 at 10:32pm
Comment by chuckkling on February 19, 2011 at 10:28pm
Hey Krass, look me up on FB under my secret name Charles Kling.
Comment by Krass on February 19, 2011 at 10:25pm

Ohh Heathers...great movie!


Here's another Heather:




Comment by Krass on February 19, 2011 at 10:21pm

Hey James good to see you again. I'm still waiting for Al Davis to die. Anyway, not remembering your AIT roommate who you just ran into again a couple years prior is ridiculous, unless he was in a car accident and has brain damage now.

As far as my story goes, I just amalgamated several Facebook experiences into one cohesive story. I'll have to look for you on fb, you'd be a good friend to have. I bet you post some funny stuff.

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