Comedy Whirled

High School Senior Suspended for Attempting to Crown Miss America His Prom Date (with Update)

YORK, Pa. – A Pennsylvania high school student has been suspended for asking Miss America to prom during her visit to his school.

Eighteen-year-old Patrick Farves received three days of in-school suspension for asking the current Miss America, Nina Davuluri, to accompany him to his senior prom, despite warnings from school officials beforehand.

“My parents always told me to shoot for the moon,” Farves commented, before quickly looking over each of his shoulders, concerned that his choice of wording would be overhead and bring further punishment. “You know what I mean, aim high— how about we just move on, OK?”

“She’s such a beautiful woman, and it would’ve been a dream come true. You never know unless you ask, right?” he added.

School officials learned of Farves’ plans before the visit took place and warned him that following through would cause a disruption, grounds for punishment.

Responding to the public outcry calling the punishment unnecessary, an unnamed school board member defended the decision. “Who’s being ridiculous, the experienced adults trying to keep order in the school, or a child who thinks he has a chance with a beautiful woman like that? I mean, come on. I drive a BMW – a goddamn BMW – and got barely even a look in my direction. But this little shit is going to sweep her off her feet? Get real.”

He continued, “Everybody thinks what he did was so cute. Well, if you want the truth, he didn’t even come up with it. No, it was me. I’ve been dreaming of leaving my family for a while now, and this was going to be the perfect opportunity to crown Miss America for myself, if you know what I mean.”

When asked to please stay on topic, he insisted he continue. “Would that have been cute? Hell no! That would’ve been sexy. Grown. Man. Sexy.”

“He walked in on me discussing the whole thing with some other faculty members. I warned him not to dare try it, so when he did it, I was furious. I pulled him aside and said to him, ‘If you honestly feel Miss America would be interested in you in any capacity, we have failed as educators. Suspended.’ That was a pretty sick burn, you have to admit. It sounded all official-like, but he knew what I was really saying.”

“Everybody wants bring up what he’s missing out on. Have you ever had in-school suspension? It’s like a vacation! He’s eating candy all day long – much more Wizard of Oz than Oz. And boohoo, he may not be allowed to attend prom. What about me? What about my loss? It’s bullshit. This job is bullshit. My home is bullshit. This world is bullshit.”

Even with the suspension, Farves does not regret his decision. “I didn’t see the harm in just asking. At worst, she thinks it’s cute and I get a huge and a picture with her. At best, I have one of the most beautiful women in the world at my side for one of the biggest nights of my young life, and a great story to tell when I’m grown. Either way, I win.”

“It didn’t play out quite that way, but now I’m here, talking to you. So, I’d say I still won,” he added, with a wink. As a reporter who has interviewed literally ones of subjects for articles over the years, I have to admit, this guy was slick. When he winked at me, let’s just say that wasn’t the only muscle twitching at the moment, if you know what I mean.

A school board meeting has been set for Monday night to address the situation with the public.

Update, April 21: During an emergency school board meeting addressing high school senior Patrick Farves’ three day suspension for asking Miss America winner Nina Davuluri to prom, school board officials announced the closing of Central York High School, in York, Pa.

The official statement reads as follows:

In the days following Patrick’s suspension, we have heard from many in the community – parents of student, just other random people who don’t seem to have much else to worry about, and somehow, we don’t know how, one housecat. Most believe we were in the wrong. An important fact they have not taken into consideration is that we live in a thing called reality.

In the real world, dreams don’t always come true. For years, students have been taught that they can do anything they put their mind to. This is a lie. None of your children are going to be President of the United States of America. None of your students are going to pen the next great novel. At best, one of your students may star in what becomes a highly popular sex tape; but even then, the profits will be slim because most copies will be acquired via torrenting. Take it from me: How do you think I’ve been able to remain so calm while giving this speech? Thanks, Mimi Faust. Wink.

Editor’s note: The official actually said the word “wink” in his address. It is not clear if he had written it as a note to himself to remember to wink to the crowd, as a joke to himself because he knew what he was saying was preposterous, or if he just genuinely wanted to say “wink.”

According to our in-house Innuendo Specialist, the “wink” referred to masturbation. He was claiming to have watched the Mimi Faust sex tape before coming to the meeting. In other words, he came to the meating before coming to the meeting.

It would be a despicable dereliction of duty – and that is alliteration, I’d appreciate your respect for that – to send these kids out into the world thinking it is their oyster. And clearly that is what we’ve been doing. A student of ours genuinely believed that Miss America would want to be his date. Over me. The thought makes me sick, just sick, I tell you.

I don’t know how many of you know this, but I drive a BMW. I have most of my hair. I could drop to the floor and do 10 push-ups, right now, and barely sweat. I fucking love Five Finger Death Punch. If she wasn’t interested in me, she’s not going to be interested in anyone.

It’s not that we don’t understand. We do. That would be anyone’s dream; but it’s just that, a dream. The hoopla that has surrounded this incident is proof enough to us that it’s time for a wakeup call. That is why we’ve decided to close Central York High School, effective immediately.

I for one do not want my name associated with an institution which sends young adults into the world with unattainable aspirations of success, wealth, and overall happiness. Not on my watch. Our educational vessel is sinking, and we’ve veered too far off course to make it back to land. It’s time to abandon ship; not unlike how our students should have abandoned their hopes and dreams long ago.

If you want to a real man, Nina, you know where to find me – in my BMW, because I drive one. Wink.

Editor’s Note: This particular wink was said in error. Again, we don’t know if it was meant to be a note or a joke to himself, but he became visibly flustered upon saying it, and stormed out of the building.


Written By: @RyanSaysThings

Views: 81


Got a funny caption? Join Comedy Whirled!

Join Comedy Whirled

Comment by mellowpuma on April 27, 2014 at 2:57am

i think they should burn that school to the ground, then salt the earth!  how dare that mudblood even think he can have an outside possibility of mixing his genetic filth with our national beauty queen?  they exist solely for the sake of becoming the arm candy of already successful sociopaths who have already lied their way to the top.  that is, until they deem it time to find a  more attractive wife.  a young man without accomplishment trying to woo a beauty queen like this, it's like trying to make an omelet without breaking any eggs!  the whole tenuous house of cards will fall if we keep letting "them" run amok.   burn the school, end of story.

Comment by Ryan on April 22, 2014 at 10:44pm

But he drives a BMW, Ian Renga.

Comment by Ryan on April 22, 2014 at 10:43pm

mellowpuma, are not we bearing witness to something just as beautiful -- friendship?

Comment by mellowpuma on April 22, 2014 at 10:22pm

I'm pretty sure you're just putting the word "breasts" in the tags list to toy with me.  still, gotta see if there are any breasts.  nope, damn you.

Comment by Ian on April 22, 2014 at 6:52pm

If you sweat at all after ten push-ups you won't survive making the sex with her.  Proving once again that Barry Manilow is a Wimp.

© 2019   Whirled Wide Network   Powered by Windmills

Badgers  |  Complain Complain Complain  |  Terms of Service