Comedy Whirled

**(NOTE TO READERS: Once you read the intro... Make sure to read this from the end on back to the beginning. Start on the last page, and finish up on the first... and then, if you like... add to the universe. Above all, enjoy.)**

So... Shall we have an "Experiment" ...  ?

Shall we play a game?

Monster Mash anyone??


Views: 221

Comment

Got a funny caption? Join Comedy Whirled!

Join Comedy Whirled

Comment by LizzyQ on December 12, 2013 at 8:09am

Liz smiles, and grabs the change of clothes John’s handing her.  “Do I have time to change?” 

“Of course.  They’ve found our trail and we’re set to EVAC CODE RED.  Running silent.  They haven’t found our front door yet.  We have some time.  Get dressed, we’ll brief you on route.”

LIZ STROLLS OUT OF THE ROOM, HER WET SUIT DRIPPING.  IT LOOKS AS IF IT IS OVERLOADED.  SHE’LL NEED A NEW ONE.  AGAIN. 

CUT.  INT.  A SPARSELY DECORATED STARSHIP BRIEFING ROOM.   LIZ AND JOHN SIT.

JOHN:
                “Status report, Hal?”

HAL (DISEMBODIED VOICE):

“CODE EVAC RED – STATUS COMPLETE.  ALL PERSONNEL ARE SAFELY IN TRANSIT TO THE RENDEZVOUS POINT AND THE FACILITY IS SET TO SELF DESTRUCT. 

JOHN

“Thanks Hal.  Nice work everyone.  Agent, how’re you doing?  That was quite a show you put on   there.”

LIZ

             “I’m fine Captain.  Hal left me a few fancy tricks up my sleeve as well.”

JOHN

“Well done.  As you can see, we don’t have much time for debrief.  While this is a set-back, your mission was a major accomplishment.  The intel is valuable, and we’re still analyzing most of it, but we’ve found enough already to know we’re going to have to send you back in quicker than we’d like.  And you’ll need to go deep cover.  Multiple jumps until you acquire your target entry point.  Have you had your “007” upgrades and training yet?

LIZ

                “No sir.”

JOHN

“Hal, prepare the agent.  Brief her well.”  Turns to Liz.  “Good luck Agent.  We’ll be at the monitors but it will be your show.  Make it spectacular.”

LIZ  - (GRINNING). 
                “Will do sir.”

EXITS.  CUT.  MONTAGE.  YOU SEE LIZ HOOKED UP TO A MACHINE AS HER INTER-CRANIAL PDA SETS TO UPDATE.  WITH THE 007 PROGRAM.  THE MOST ELITE AGENT UPGRADE AVAILABLE. 

LIZ

“Hey Hal, as long as I’m doing this, can I have “The Bride’s” upgrade as well.  It’s not as highly classified.   Sounds like I could use it.”

HAL

“Of course Liz, I have it already prepared for you.”  Sit back and relax now.  Let your mind go.  You ready?

LIZ

“I’ve never been so ready Hal.  You know I’m the best.”

HAL

“Yes, I do.  So open your eyes now and we’ll start the program.  (pause).  Liz?”

LIZ

“Yes Hal?”

HAL

“You should know... Only one Agent at time gets this upgrade.  Your official designation has now been changed to 007.” 

LIZ

            “What…?  We lost 007?”  Shocked.  She admired him.  “I see.” 

HAL

“Yes.  But now you are 007 - RBSS.  You are ready for this.  We’ll start off with “The Bride.”  It’ll get you nice and warmed up… Open your eyes.”

 

SHE DOES.  ZOOM IN ON HER CONTACT LENS AND YOU SUDDENLY SEE A TRIPPY COMBINATION OF A MOVIE MONTAGES CUT TOGETHER AS THE UPGRADES UPLOAD TO HER PDA. 

Liz goes down the “rabbit-hole” taking on in her mind the image of the central characters.  007.  The Bride. 


HAL

“Ready, stage two – 007.”



LIZ OPENS HER EYES.  SHE’S READY. 

“I’ll go by Liz Jayne.”

NEXT, YOU SEE HER PHYSICALLY TRAINING AND PRACTICING HER NEW SKILLS.  IMPRESSIVE.  

CUT TO LIZ GETTING IN THE CHAMBER, JOHN SETTING THE DIALS, AND HAL SENDING LAST MINUTE INSTRUCTIONS AND DATA.  SHE’D HEAD IN THROUGH “THE MATRIX” – A BUSY WORLD WHERE ITS HARD TO TRACK SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE FOUND, NEXT JUMPING THROUGH A COUPLE MORE UNDISCLOSED UNIVERSES, TO  FINALLY LAND IN HER TARGET UNIVERSE…

Comment by LizzyQ on December 11, 2013 at 1:47pm

CUT TO CAR SPEEDING AWAY.

LIZ
                “Nah, just got in a fight.  Some creep.  Cameron came in just in time.”  She winks at him.  He laughs. 

CAMERON
                “That’s right, just in time.”  Wryly. 

LIZ
                “So who’s in?  Are we heading downtown?”  Snaps her gum. 

FERRIS

                “Hell yeah.  Let’s get going.”  He accelerates the car towards town.

LIZ TRIES TO ACCESS HER CONTACTS DISPLAY INTERFACE TO HER PDA TO CHECK ON MISSION STATUS.  TO NO AVAIL.  THE LINK SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN BROKEN SOMEHOW, AND IT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE HER EQUIPMENT ACCORDING TO DIAGNOSTICS.  THIS CAN’T BE GOOD.  TIME TO SPEED UP THE MISSION.  SHE HAD THROWN THE ENEMY AGENT OFF HER TAIL FOR NOW, BUT IT WOULDN’T TAKE THEM LONG TO REGROUP.  SHE HAD TO GET TO THE MUSEUM AND THAT INTEL.  AND THEN FIND A PAYPHONE AND HER EXIT.

WHEN THEY REACH THE MUSEUM, LIZ MAKES AN EXCUSE TO HEAD TO THE RESTROOM.  WHAT A BEAUTIFULLY EXECUTED LOOP.  THE STORY IS BACK ON TRACK.



CUT TO LIZ.  NOW TO GET TO THOSE PAINTINGS AND FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS JUMP.  SHE ACCESSES THE PDA'S CAMERAS AND TAKES THE SHOTS SHE NEEDS USING HER CONTACT LENS IMPLANTS.  GRABS THE INFO PACKETS.  ALL OUT OF SHOT.  CLASSY.  SHE HEADS OUT TO THE PARADE, WHERE SHE SEES THE LEGENDARY SCENE. 

CAMERON SEEMS TO HAVE JUST FIGURED OUT HE WAS JILTED.  PERFECT.  SHE KINDA FEELS JUST A LITTLE BIT SORRY FOR HIM THOUGH.  BUT, HE'S IS JUST A CHARACTER. 


LIZ SIFTS BACK INTO THE CROWD AND FINDS A PAYPHONE.  DIALS THE NUMBER, WAITS FOR THE TONE, AND ENTERS HER CODE.  CLOSES HER EYES AND WAITS FOR THE JUMP...

CUT TO BLACK.  YOU HEAR HEAVY BREATHING AS LIZ COUGHS OUT WATER AND WAKES UP.  SLOWLY YOU SEE EMERGENCY LIGHTS COME INTO FOCUS, AND JOHN'S LOOKING OVER HER CONCERNED. 

JOHN
      "Hurry up Liz, wake up... We've got to move..." 

Comment by Ian on December 7, 2013 at 6:56pm

INT. GAS STATION - MOMENT LATER

Cameron catches up with her. 

 

                                               CAMERON

                                Might as well get some beer. 

Liz looks back to see that the phone booth outside is now empty.

                                                LIZ

                                 You'll have to buy it yourself.  I don't

                                 contribute to minors...

Cameron grabs a six-pack and lands it on the counter as Liz adds a bag of ice and some band-aids.

The store clerk rings it all up and looks quickly at Cameron before giving him change.  Liz keeps

her eyes out for Ian as they exit.

                                               CAMERON

                                 I've never been carded once.

EXT. GAS STATION - MOMENT LATER

After Cameron gets outside the sliding doors shut behind him.  But Liz is gone.  He looks through the glare

in the glass doors and sees Liz being pulled backwards by someone.  He glances back at Ferris and Sloane who

are busy making out in the Ferrari, oblivious to what's going down.

                                                CAMERON

                                  I should help her.  I should help her.  Hey Ferris!

                                  I should help her.  I..  ahhh shit!

Cameron races to the entrance, but the doors won't open.  He sees Liz get pulled into the garage area and

the door shuts behind her.  The store clerk calls 911.

INT. GAS STATION GARAGE - MOMENT LATER

Ian is still trying to hold Liz's arms but she manages to kick him good enough to get released.  She spots

a fire extinguisher on the wall.  Ian puts his finger in his ear.

    

                                                 IAN

                                   Ready?  Cut!   Cut Now!

INT. MPAASEA HEADQUARTERS - MOMENT LATER

The Assistant is rolling the footage frame by frame as the gas station scene has unfolded on film in real time, forever altering all the original prints and negatives of the John Hughes classic.

     

                                                 ASSISTANT

                                   Okay I see it.  You're in the phone booth right?

INT. GAS STATION GARAGE - MOMENT LATER

Liz pulls the fire extinguisher from the wall and fires it at him.  With his eyes covered up she swings the

canister at his head, knocking him almost unconscious as he falls to the cold oily floor. 

                                                  LIZ

                                     Amateurs.

She hears Cameron SHOUTING and POUNDING on the door.  Liz opens the door and Cameron flies in,

looking ready to fight someone, as long as they prefer Queensberry Rules.  He sees Ian on the floor and

starts KICKING him.

 

                                                 CAMERON

                                      God this feels good!

Liz watches the still barely conscious Ian as he tries to put a finger in his ear.

                                                  LIZ

                                      Lets go before the police show.

Cameron kicks him one last time before they go out the back and towards the Ferrari.

EXT. GAS STATION PARKING LOT - MOMENT LATER

Ferris and Sloane are still getting hot and heavy with the radio blaring an 80s synth-rock classic.

                                                  CAMERON

                                       Ferris!  Let's get out of here!

Ferris looks back at Cameron and then at the liquor store.  He hears SIRENS coming from far away.

                                                  FERRIS

                                       Oh shit.  Tell me you guys didn't

                                        just rob a gas station.  You robbed

                                        a gas station. 

The Ferrari pulls out leaving a cloud of dust and exhaust.

                             

INT. MPAASEA HEADQUARTERS - MOMENT LATER

The Assistant is still waiting for confirmation to make the cut in the film when she hears a groggy sounding voice.

                                                 IAN (VOICE OFF-SCREEN)

                                       Abort.

The Assistant watches the new frames unfold and steps away from the controls. 

  

                                                 ASSISTANT

                                       We are so fucked.

Comment by LizzyQ on December 2, 2013 at 3:57pm

CUT TO LIZ’S REFLECTION IN THE SIDEVIEW MIRROR.  SHE’S IN PERIOD WEAR, WITH BIG BANGS AND SUNGLASSES.  PULL BACK. 

LIZ GETS OUT OF THE CAR, CASUALLY SURVEYING HER SURROUNDINGS AND SPOTS THE TELEPHONE BOOTH.  SHE GRINS SUBTLY, RECOGNIZING THE ENEMY AGENT RIGHT AWAY.  SHE NODS AT HIM SLIGHTLY AND HE LOOKS AWAY AND UP TO HIS LEFT WITH A SLIGHT GRIN.  HOW CLEVER. 

JUST AS SHE HAD ANTICIPATED.  HE WANTED TO TALK.  OR AMBUSH HER.  BUT PROBABLY HE WAS TOO SMART FOR THAT.  HAL WOULD HEAR ABOUT THESE SHOES ONCE SHE FINISHED THIS MISSION.  THAT’S FOR SURE. 

LIZ SAUNTERS ACROSS THE PARKING LOT TO THE GAS STATION, HER LONG LEGS EXAGERATED BY THE HEELS AND ACID WASH JEANS.  SHE’S IN NO HURRY.  SHE POPS HER GUM. 

INT.  LIZ ENTERS THE GAS STATION, AND BROWSES THE ISLES.  POP MUSIC FROM THE 1980’S PLAYS LIGHTLY IN THE BACKGROUND.  YOU HEAR THE DING OF THE AUTOMATIC DOOR OPENING AND…

Comment by Ian on November 26, 2013 at 7:14pm

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Sloane Peterson is talking to Ed Rooney near the front parking lot.  Liz and Cameron are squashed in the back

of the Ferrari as Ferris pulls up to the curb.  As Sloane gets to the Ferrari she spots one of Liz's feet sticking out

between the front seats.

                                                       SLOANE

                                  Cameron? 

Liz's red toenails leave Sloane baffled.

                                                       FERRIS

                                  I'll explain later.  Get in the car.

They speed off, leaving Rooney skeptical as always.

INT. FERRARI - MOMENT LATER

Sloane lifts the leather top cover up, revealing Liz and Cameron in radically painful contortions. 

                                                      CAMERON

                                  I think we're stuck.

                                                       SLOANE

                                  And who are you?

Liz struggles to free her leg and it snaps out, with her heel kicking Sloane hard enough to split her lip.

                                                       SLOANE

                                   What the Fuck!?

                                                       LIZ

                                    Oh God I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry. 

Ferris reaches over to check Sloane. 

                                                      FERRIS

                                    Wow she tagged you good!  Here, let

                                    me see that.  No wonder they say

                                    high heel shoes are lethal weapons.

                                                      SLOANE

                                    Who is she? 

                                                      FERRIS

                                    Who cares!  Cameron's with a girl.  We should

                                     just go with it.

Sloane examines Liz as she helps undo the pretzel that once was Cameron.

                                                      SLOANE

                                     Well I suppose you're right.  It is a bit extraordinary.

                                     I feel like a bit of a vampire swallowing my own blood.

                                     Do you think I need stitches? 

                                                      FERRIS

                                      You might.  We shouldn't take any chances.

                                                      SLOANE

                                       So it's off to hospital then.   Sorry about your plans.

Ferris downshifts into second gear and floors the pedal.  The Ferrari SCREAMS down the road.

                                                      LIZ

                                       Let me see it. 

Sloane shows off her bloody lip.

                                                      LIZ

                                       It's not that bad.  I used to work in an E.R. You just need some ice.

                                       Here, pull into that gas station.  I'm really

                                       sorry, again. 

                                                     FERRIS

                                       It's your call baby.  Whatever you want to do.

                                                     SLOANE

                                       Okay.  But if I end up with a huge scar on my lip

                                        you better not leave me.

                                                     FERRIS

                                        Well how big are we talking?

EXT. GAS STATION - MOMENT LATER

Ian is in a phone booth on the corner, watching them pull up to the station.  He puts his finger in his ear.

                          

                                                     IAN

                                         You were right.  They're here.

                                   

Comment by LizzyQ on November 24, 2013 at 3:24pm

… knocks him over, pins him – and licks him in the face…

(VO)

JOHN:      “Nice one Hal.  Very clever.” 

HAL:      “I thought you’d like it.  That should give her a moment.”

INT.  BUELLER’S RESIDENCE , LIVING ROOM:

LIZ:      HA!  Really?  You’re kidding me?  That’s just silly…

CAMERON:  Right?  I thought so too…

FERIS:  Totally.  I mean… what else would you think? 

LIZ:  (Snaps her gum).  Wow.  Yeah.

FERIS:  Well, enough philosophy for one day… let’s get out and have some fun, shall we?  That’s why we’re all here today… right?

LIZ:  (Snap).  Yep. 

CAMERON:  Yep. 

FERIS:  Onwards then – downtown.  First - to pick up my girlfriend…

(Exit).  FADE TO BLACK. 



 

Comment by Ian on November 18, 2013 at 4:49pm

EXT. BUELLER RESIDENCE - MOMENT LATER

Ian materializes at the bottom of the pool.  He swims to the surface and peers up over the edge.

He hears them LAUGHING in the kitchen.  He puts a finger in his ear.

                                          IAN

                       Next time let's shoot for somewhere a bit dryer.

                                          ASSISTANT (VOICE IN HIS HEAD)

                        You know it's not an exact science.  Do you see her?

                                           IAN

                         Just have to wait until she's alone.   And she's not that stupid.

INT. MPAASEA HEADQUARTERS - MOMENT LATER

The Assistant is watching in real time on the Moviola as Liz's invasion into the film proliferates. 

                  

                                          ASSISTANT

                          She'll have to go to the bathroom eventually. 

EXT.  BUELLER RESIDENCE - MOMENT LATER

Ian's clothes and shoes make loud SQUISHY SOUNDS as he exits the pool and creeps to the back fence.

He can hear GROWLING.  Behind him is the family dog, a Rottweiler.  He puts his finger to his ear again.

        

                                           IAN

                           We forgot about the dog.

                                           ASSISTANT (VOICE IN HIS HEAD)

                            Just stay calm. 

The dog GROWLS LOUDER and inches towards him.

                                            IAN

                                   (nervous)

                             I am staying calm.  But he's still pissed.

                                            ASSISTANT

                             Find the nearest point of egress and slowly exit.

                                            IAN

                              Remind me to stop paying you.

Ian looks back at the gate.  The dog leaps at him. 

                             

             

                         

                            

                            

      

                                   

                            

                                         

                         

                         

                        

                        

                       

                         

Comment by LizzyQ on November 18, 2013 at 1:55pm

Liz wanders into the mustard yellow kitchen from the living room and they both stop arguing instantly and just stare at her confused.  She snaps her gum.  While she had no illusions that she wouldn't leave a trail a mile wide, she might as well make is as tricky as possible for any enemy agents track her. 

Grinning, she says "Hey Ferris.  It's been a long time."  He looks at her with both confusion and intrigue. 

Ferris ushers Liz into the living room, just out of earshot while Cameron is occupied by looking in the refrigerator for food.  Perfect.  "Do I know you?"

"Really now, is that how you treat all your old friends Ferris?  We did go to junior high school together.  I was just a year a head of you..." 

"Wow, yeah.  Nah, of course I remember... ?"

"Liz."

"Liz... yes, of course. Wow.  It's good to see you.  How've you been?" 

"Good.  Quite well actually.  College is great.  Set up your classes right and you'll never have to get up early again.  It's your senior year, and I'm skipping this afternoon's classes anyways... I assume you won't mind me joining you.  So, what do you have in mind for us today?"

"No.  Of course not... the more the merrier...  well, let's see... we're headed downtown..." 

"Perfect."  The loop was working pretty well, even if it probably caught the enemy agent's attention.  She snaps her gum.  She's have to keep her eye out for any unusual cuts.  She had a strong feeling they weren't going to place nice with her this time...

"Sound fun to you?"  Ferris asks. 

"Definitely..."  (Snap).

Cameron walks in.

Comment by LizzyQ on November 18, 2013 at 1:08pm

Comment by LizzyQ on November 16, 2013 at 8:06pm

INT.  FADE IN.  YELLOW GREEN LIGHTING.  INSIDE A ROOM CONTAINING THE CHAMBER WHERE LIZ SEEMS TO SLEEP.  JOHN MONITORS A SERIES OF SCREENS.  A VIEW OF SPACE CIRCLES AROUND BEHIND THEM.  THEY SEEM TO BE AFT ON A STARSHIP.  CUT IN ON JOHN.

"Do you think she's ready Hal?"

"Yes John.  She's the best jumper we have."

"But do you think she's ready Hal?"

"Yes John.  I do."

"I sure hope so.  We're getting so close..."

[THUD].  BLACK.

"Hal, what was that?"

"I don't know John.  I'll find out."

INT. BUELLERS' RESIDENCE.  LIZ, FERRIS, AND CAMERON.  HALLWAY.

"I need you to make a call Cameron.  Afterwards, I have a few questions for you... but please, hurry up and make the call..."


© 2020   Whirled Wide Network   Powered by Windmills

Badgers  |  Complain Complain Complain  |  Terms of Service