Comedy Whirled

Dear Facebook, you are ruining my life.

Dear Facebook,

You have ruined my life. Because instead of taking control of my own actions, I’m going to blame you, inanimate object, for all my shortcomings in life. I’ve given you a list. Now fix it! All of it!

1. If I defriend a person, it’s because I don’t want them to see my shit anymore! Or I don’t want to see their fucking shit anymore!


Yeah, whatever, maybe it was childish to defriend that boy that I used to love, but I was getting sick of seeing his douchey statuses, showing that he was so obviously over me. Sorry but my, “I think it’s time to buy a cat and cry” statuses can’t exactly compete with happiness. I mean, you of all people should understand this….Zuckerburg.

2. On a completely different note, can you stop letting those hot guys I used to hook up with, post pictures of themselves with their shirts off!

I don’t know if you read my blog, Facebook, but I’m not having sex at the moment. It’s a personal choice, thank you very much. But shit gets real hard, when I see those hot guys half naked on Facebook, all of a sudden emotionless sex seems like a very good idea to partake in again.  And, then I’m all like, “Wait, why were they hooking up with me? My body does not look anything like that…”

3. People doing better than me on Facebook.


Yeah…I don’t want to hear about it Facebook. So why don’t you make a filter button called, “bitter jealousy,” so I can block any status updates about job promotions, relationship statuses, or any status with any hint of happiness in them. Mmmmmmkay, thankssssssssssssssss.

4. Can you make me look better in all those drunk photos?


Yes, I understand that it was I that was crossing my eyes and contorting my face into odd facial expressions that night. But I was drunk, so fuck off. Now it’s time for you to get your shit together, do your fucking job and fix that. Get one of your genius employees to create an application where I can uncross those damned eyes in that damned photo. Don’t act like it’s not possible to make me look pretty, asshole. Now chop! Chop!

5. I want more people telling me I’m funny on Facebook.


Preferably you, Facebook. Can you tell me I’m funny? Like all the time? And that I’m pretty? Or at least poke me every once and a while? Every poke someone on Facebook because you missed the human touch, Facebook? Me too, Facebook. Me too.

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Comment by Ian on November 17, 2012 at 3:08pm

Comment by Buttermilk on November 13, 2012 at 5:18am

Perhaps you are unaware of the 12 step program...Facebook Anonymous. It is obvious you have a serious addiction & must remove yourself from its clutches & avoid those that have the same sickness. I suggest you should attend 90 meetings in 90 days in an attempt to totally abstain. If you fall you will probably lose your marbles that you got after 30 days of abstinence, however keep trying & soon you will have the courage to cancel your account realizing that you don't need the approval of anyone (except those of us on Comedy Whirled, which will become your new addiction.)

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