Comedy Whirled

For months now we have been hearing news about various universities leaving one conference for another. Whether it is for money or for a better chance at playing for a national championship many of these schools may not fully understand what is in store for them when they leave their current conferences. . Here are some examples of what is taking place lately and also sneaks a peek as to where teams will be playing in years to come.

Recently, the University of Hawaii decided to leave the Western Athletic Conference to join the Atlantic Coast Conference. This seems like a lot of traveling for the players of both Hawaii and the members of the ACC, but league officials have already come up with a solution.  Hawaii will play all their conference home games on the road every year. Although it sounds confusing they are still working out the details, but most student athletes we talked to thought it was a great idea.  “I’m glad we don’t gotta travel to Hawaii to play cause I know they’re at least 10 time zones away from us. I heard that when it’s 3:00pm over here, it’s still the previous day over there or something like that,”   said 3rd year freshman wide out, Rhett Beensin Rice from Florida State. When asked why the school chose to join a conference almost 5000 miles away; University of Hawaii Athletic Director Lou Owl said, “we were just tired of our games ending at 1:00am the next day on the east coast.” “These kids have to stay up way too late.”   

Recently the University of Connecticut decided to move to the Mountain West conference for no other reason than the school’s Board of Governor’s thought it would make more sense to have the Husky mascot be in a more indigenous place like the mountains, but they are also remaining in the Big East because the Big East Mountain West conference announced their merger today. Syracuse which recently announced it is moving to the ACC said it was mostly because of uncertainty with the future of the Big East. However, insider sources claim it had more to do with appealing to the south Florida sun tan scene where “orange men” are a dime a dozen. 

The landscape of conference realignment is also affecting some of academically distinguished institutions as well. The newly formed IQC (Intelligence Quotient Conference), or better known as the ‘Smart False Start’ will drop Football in favor of just showing up at the university quad and trading quips, non humorous science jokes, and showing each other pictures of their World of War Craft avatars. The NCAA announced that Scrabble, Chess, and Angry Birds will become sanctioned sports for the schools in this conference. The 10 team league will consist of Columbia, Vanderbilt, Cornell, Duke, Harvard, Northwestern, Dartmouth, Tulane, MIT, and Brown. Football will not be missed by any of these schools as they never were that good at it anyway. 

In a risky move, every school from Texas will be in one conference which will be called the BIG 120. However, several schools whose student body only speaks Spanish have to jump over to the also newly formed NHIC (No Habla Ingles Conference).  Schools like UT Pan American, Texas El Paso, University of Texas at San Antonio, Lamar, and UT San Marcos will begin playing in this all Hispanic Football conference next year. San Diego State, the University of Miami of Florida and East LA, and El Camino colleges have also petitioned to join as well. Most of their players don’t know how to play American football to begin with and other issues include the following: many players refuse to touch the ball with their hands, others want to take short naps at some point during each game, and it seems every play there is an illegal man downfield. One thing we noticed was that each team has an 8th string placekicker. We asked conference president and former Dallas Cowboy kicker Rafael Septien if he remembered any American football rules from when he played to which he replied, “I remember the Alamo”. 

Now that the BCS chose LSU and Alabama in a rematch guaranteeing that the Southeastern Conference will win a 6th straight National Championship it seems there is not much left for the league to accomplish. Seeing this, the National Football League has asked all the teams from the SEC to join the NFL. Vandy having already jumped to the IQC declined. Ole Miss and Kentucky only agreed to join the league if they are allowed to play in the NFC West. To make room for the SEC, the Indianapolis Colts and St. Louis Rams have been asked to join the Missouri Valley Conference because Indiana St. and Missouri St. would offer realistic competition and automatic rivalries.

But everyone else seemed excited about the prospect of creating new NFL rivalry games like LSU vs. The New Orleans Saints or Florida vs. The Miami Dolphins. LSU linebacker, John Deaux says the move to the NFL is good for the SEC. “The players in our conference are real excited because the pay is going to be much better.”  He added, “I have bled purple and gold all my life, I just hope they also draft me when I graduate.”

Other conference alliances are being formed as the Big 12 and Big Sky conferences have merged too and will be called The Big Big Sky. Kate Bush has been asked to be the commissioner. McDonald’s has joined the conference realignment fever and will sponsor the merger of the Big 10 and MAC and will now call itself The Big MAC. When asked what he thought of the merger, conference commissioner Dana Long just said, “I’m lovin’ it.”  On a side note, Notre Dame has finally joined a one team league which will be called the Independent Conference.     

And finally, after being kicked out of the solar system back in 2006 during the planet realignment, Pluto is back. It has agreed to join the Sun Belt because the conference name made sense for them. They will be participating in football and men’s basketball only. Sun Belt commissioner Wright Waters said they are just trying to figure out home and away schedules right now. Conference play for Pluto will begin in 3 light years. 

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