The college football bowl schedule has been trimmed to 3 games. The NCAA announced today that given the impending doom the world faces on Dec 21st that all bowl games scheduled after December 20th have been cancelled.
“We had no choice, the world ends next Friday and all the other bowls were scheduled after the 20th of December”, said NCAA president Mark Emmert who was on his way to the Himalayas to join others on a giant Ark that was built for the apocalypse. He went on to say that a decision was made to crown the winner of the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl the National Champion. “We’ve got two pretty good mid-major teams playing here and one is ranked. We chose this game because we wanted to give the champion a few days to enjoy it before everything explodes and we all die.”
So what is he talking about? The three bowls on the schedule will be the New Mexico Bowl, the previously mentioned, Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, and the Poinsettia Bowl. Utah State Aggie coach Gary Anderson was excited about the prospect of winning a National Championship. “I know we are a mid-major and otherwise would never play for a title but hey, every other team in the country knew the world was coming to an end and they could have played down to their completion to get here.” “I guess the Gods are smiling down upon us.” By Gods he must be referring to the Mayan Gods who made all this possible.
When asked if he thought people would object to teams like Utah State or Toledo being crowned 2012 National Champion; Famous Idaho Potato Bowl chairman Scott Butterfield replied, “We don’t care what the press, fans, coaches, or the BCS thinks; they’re not going to be around anyway.”
However, the coach of San Diego State took issue with the Potato Bowl getting all the attention. “We are the last bowl EVER”, said SDSU coach Rocky Long. “We should be considered as well. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the winner of the last National Championship were the Aztecs? Trust me, if we’re not crowned national champion then the famous Mayan God Montezuma will get his revenge.” Coach Long then rushed off to get his team motivated by showing them a screening of the film 2012. Later a spokesperson for SDSU issued a statement saying that coach Long got an F in ancient history.
The Poinsettia Bowl will feature many “end of the world” themed offerings. Throughout the game organizers will be giving away free “special Kool-Aid” to any fan who doesn’t want to watch the end of time. In lieu of the National Anthem, the band REM has agreed to reunite one last time to sing, It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and at halftime any fan in attendance can participate in a real life “World of War Craft” exhibition that will take place throughout the stadium. The winner will receive a free World of War Craft lifetime membership. REM will also perform, Everybody Hurts to get each person in the apocalypse mood.
The rest of the sports world has adopted a ‘best record at the time’ method to crown their champions as the final days of our existence wind down. The NFL’s Texans and Falcons have been crowned co-Super Bowl Champions. And if they continue to win the NBA’s Oklahoma City Thunder will be NBA Champs, and in absence of a season, the NHL has decided to award the Colorado Avalanche the Stanley Cup because their nickname is most closely associated to a disaster.