Comedy Whirled

Boogity Boogity Boogity...NASCAR is makin' changes boys!

America’s largest spectator sport is in trouble. Waning interest each week is making the number one watched sport of Wal-Mart employees start to take notice. Since peaking in popularity around 2005 NASCAR has seen a steady decline in ticket sales. If you turn on a race nowadays you will see more and more empty seats. Officials with NASCAR are looking into changing the way they do business to accommodate fans during these trying economic times. What can they do? Well, here are a few ideas NASCAR is mulleting over.


RACE CHANGES

To make the races more appealing to the fans from a race perspective NASCAR will implement some of the following at certain races:

  • Installing real headlights, taillights, rear view mirrors, horns, wiper blades and turn signals on vehicles and imposing penalties if they are not used (this would certainly look interesting at night races)
  • Requiring the pit crew to use a hand operated tire jack and wrenches
  • If someone is speeding while on pit row they must provide current driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance or they will be ticketed and points will be deducted from that race team.
  • Install a set of train tracks with only flashing lights to warn the drivers on the backstretch of a real oncoming freight train.
  • Certain road courses will have red lights and tollbooths (every 50th lap a lucky fan will pull a driver’s name from a #3 Earnhardt hat and that driver will have to pay the toll before he can continue racing…EXACT CHANGE ONLY)
  • Happy Hour-Happy Hour: This allows drivers to get hammered drunk while doing practice laps. The fastest DUI Lap recorded by a driver allows only that driver to run every red light during the actual race. Note: A .12 BAC must be established before lap times are recorded.
  • Rain shortened races will now be decided by Rock, Paper, Scissors
  • Ray Stevens will sing all the National Anthems

 Those are only a few of the exciting race changes that will take place at a Sprint Cup Track 3 to 6 hours from you.


FAN PROMOTIONS

As far as the fans go, there are many fun promotions that will cater to even the most sophisticated race lover. For example depending on the track you will find promotional events giving lucky fans chances to win prizes. These promotions include such events as:

  • The Fastest of the Fastest Promotion

Singing the National Anthem and knowing all the words

Finding your seat without spilling your beer

Reciting the alphabet    

Naming every sponsor of your favorite driver

Changing your baby’s diaper in the stands           

Naming every driver and their car number

Counting to Ten

 

  • The New Lucky Dog

This replaces the normal Lucky Dog format which allows the first racer not on the lead lap to rejoin all the other drivers on the lead lap after a caution. The New Lucky Dog allows any fan to bring their prized Pit Bull or Rottweiler to the race and release their dogs onto to the track. The last dog standing, moving, or breathing at the end of the 100 laps of the race is the Lucky Dog. The owner of that dog will be invited to the apron of the track to personally scrape the dog off the track. Then the favorite driver of that dog owner gets to be put on the lead lap. This change will certainly benefit such drivers as JJ Yeley, Michael Waltrip, Joe Nemechek, or Boris Said.

 

OTHER NEW FAN PROMOTIONS INCLUDE

  • Show Me Your Boobies for the Titty Cancer
  • Family Tree Night
  • Bratty Kid Night (bring your spoiled kids who will then be tied to the hood of your favorite driver’s car until there is a caution)
  •  If your favorite driver’s car gets dented a lucky fan gets free Dental work
  • Flag Day  (the first 10,000 paid fans will receive a 3’x 5’ Confederate Flag) 
  • Guess who’s haulin’ the Moonshine tonight?
  • Darrell Waltrip Poster Night
  • Car Sponsor Job Fairs (note: Budweiser and Little Debbie are no longer excepting applications)

FAN AMENITIES

Aside from all the great promotions, NASCAR will make the race experience even more exciting and accommodating to its fans. Here are a few of those changes.

 

  • BBQ pits at the base of every section
  • Sectional Sections (Sectional Sofas in each section for groups of 15 fans or more)
  • Hee Haw Clips will be shown during unimportant times of the race like the National Anthem, Cautions, and the Invocation
  • Rent to Own Tickets (brought to you by Aaron’s)
  • Magazine Racks in every bathroom (Hunting and Fishing, Mad, Highlights, Maxim, The Enquirer and Wrecker Weekly to name a few)
  • Gretchen Wilson’s Greatest Hit plays in all the women’s bathrooms
  • Each track will have a full service Waffle House, Stuckey’s and Golden Corral
  • A small Wal-Mart kiosk will let you pay your electric, water or sewer bill in case you forgot again this month
  • Menu items will feature new choices like; fried pork rinds, fried okra, Moon Pies, Corn nuts,  Kool-Aid and all you can eat biscuits and gravy
  • All concession stands will now accept WIC vouchers and Food Stamps
  • Free Hicky Stand
  • Stadium sections will be renamed so fans can find them easier. For example here are some of these sections which will simply be titled:  JR, XXX, 5 Time, 3XL, KKK, or the Non Smoking Section (you may actually smoke in it but you cannot be a Tony Stewart fan)

 

Buckle up because exciting changes are coming to NASCAR in 2012 to fill up those seats so that every fan can be able to enjoy watching cars turn left for 3 to 4 hours every Sunday.  

 

 

Views: 366

Comment

Got a funny caption? Join Comedy Whirled!

Join Comedy Whirled

Comment by mellowpuma on August 21, 2011 at 10:06pm
Four words: "James Bond Car Devices".  You know, that spyhunter game used to be the #1 video game.  I'm just sayin'.

© 2019   Whirled Wide Network   Powered by Windmills

Badgers  |  Complain Complain Complain  |  Terms of Service