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Ask Dr. Puma ... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY!

 

Good tidings, yon sufferes to be AND TRICKTERS OF THE BEAST'S DESIGN. The universe has revealed to me through absenth, paint thinner huffing, and carbon monoxide vapors which fill my cave, that you all have problems, deep deep deep problems .... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY!   Well, suffer no longer, in what little time you have "Dr" M. Puma has emerged ... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY! "Dr" M. Puma will answer the questions filling your unasuming heads,  WHILE THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES HOVERS OVER YOUR UNSUSPECTING HEADS ... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY ! ...

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Comment by mellowpuma on February 14, 2012 at 12:49am

A Reader, who seems stuck on his Dangling Participle, wrote:

Dr. Puma,

I constantly have dreams about the Incredible Hulk helping me change a flat tire.  Sorry, wrong thing. 

I have been listening to acne-covered, greasy-haired atheists yelling that all of this stuff is nonsense.  They are really, really pretty sure about what they're talking about.  I'm not sure what to believe.  What do?

-Koncerned in Kansas

--------------------------------------------

Dear Get Some Ruby Slippers Before the HOUSE OF ORION Enters the Big Dipper:

Dear Eric Bannon's Bicycle Pump Foretells the Universe Turned On It's Rump:

You lost me when you said the atheists believe this stuff is nonsense.  Those guys technically should lack the power to believe!  Do they have the power to not believe, yes, that's all well and good.  Do they have the power to not not believe, no, that counts as believing in two things.  This is true because beliefs are not rational, and can't assume the logic of rational numbers. Can they believe to not believe, no, that's 1/2 believing.

it works like this:

Atheists =< 0 Beliefs

-1 beliefs + -1 beliefs = 2 beliefs, as beliefs are not rational, they cannot be integer quantities, and cannot have the properties of integers.

a belief in disbelif = 1/2 belief (I could tell you why, but it would blow your mind)

Therefore, atheists cannot have .5 beliefs.

So, clearly these atheists have either mislead you, or they are not real atheists.    Real atheists would, (as they worship nothing) wantonly relish the coming of their great master: nothing.  Or they would simply steal your car and/ or girl, as don't believe in the great day of reckoning.  Trust me about this, I'm not prejudiced, I just know my math.

Trust me, NOVICE ATHEISTS are a bane to the existence of anyone except a state college bursar!  Here are three reasons why you should believe in THE COMING OF THE BIBLICAL BEASTS OF REVELATION EXACTLY AS THE BIBLE DESCRIBES THEM WITHOUT ANY CONSIDERATION OF THE GEO-POLITICAL CIRCUMSTANCES THE EARLY ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH FOUND ITSELF IN AROUND THE TIME THEY WENT TO PRESS (aka told a butt load of monks to spend their whole life making one bible):

1. The sheer awesomeness of the idea of a rinocerous with a little face in it's horn.

2. If there's an anti christ, then he probably has some pretty awesome parties, and I want in.

3. Isn't "change you can believe in" what we're really all after?  Also, a zombie war: completely awesome in my book.  #1 coolest thing that could possibly happen.  I am Sooooo ready. Sign me up.  If I get raptured, I'm gonna be pissed.

Comment by mellowpuma on February 7, 2012 at 10:10pm

A reader who is scarsely able to read the rhythms of the night, much less dance to them wrote:

 

Dear Dr. Puma:

     Will the END OF TIMES include the END OF THIS CRITTER?

If so, I'll gladly see you in HELL.

--------------------------------------------

Dear Greeting Mestophales for Bacon Apocalypses:

 

Hey, did anybody catch how I predicted the outcome of the superbowl?  No? Really?   Well, let me refresh your memory of something you probably didn't read, but could've been wealthy beyond your wildest dreams if you had:

"

Veteranarian?  By "veteranarian" you mean that I disembowel animals, observe the weight and color of their organs to recieve portents of things to come ... I only did that in my youth, and only when I needed to know the outcome of sporting events.  (hint, bet on the Giants, I know the Vegas odds, and I'm still going with "my gut" on this one)

"

Yeah, that's right, who's the prophet now, SAY MY NAME! SUCK IT!  NOW SAY MY NAME AGAIN! KIEAAW! PROPHET-GASM!

Aaaanywhay, yes, the end times will mean the end of not only the geico pig, but also the Charmin Bears, However,  Erin, the cartoon e-surance mascott of the late aughts will come back to life along with the rest when "the saints come marching in" (followedby  a zombie army of the dead) (Which makes it really odd that that song is usually sung so happily)  (Yeah, it's pretty creepy allright)

Asides aside,  .... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY! All edible things will get eaten, delicious and Ironic pigs first and foremost.

 

... ALSO TO BE:

The terms "Champaigne Jam" and "Stone Cold Groove" will recieve new meanings,   WHAT THOSE MEANINGS ARE REMAINS HIDDEN TO ME!

YOUR MOTHER would be ashamed if she were alive to see what you ARE INEVITABLY FATED TO DO to that poor organ grider and his monkey.

Your social status will be determined solely on your composite Mavis Beacon Typing score.  People who look at their hands, or don't bounce their fingers while typing will wander the wastlands, as broken starving pariahs.

Comment by mellowpuma on February 2, 2012 at 7:18pm

A reader who thinks to escape his fate through THE PUNY MACINATIONS OF HUMAN INVENTION wrote:

"Dear Dr. Puma,
Does the "End of the World" mean just Earth? I was thinking about hopping on one of those shuttles that carry the Mars Probe, but I want to take my MP3 player. Do you think that I will still be able to download from I-Tunes? And, how many clean pairs of underwear would you recommend taking on my trip?
                                                               Sincerely, Praying Like A MoFo"

 

Dear Heard There Was A Secret Chord, That David Played, And It Pleased The Lord:

Hitching your wagon to Oprah's space train, like so many housewives hoping to win a prius or an Ipod.  Pathetic?  Not so fast!  That's one heck of a train!  Forget about  the cyborg rape gangs, ala the cover of Guns n' Roses "Appetite for Destruction", you're on a frickin  space ship, with OPRAH! Oh, wait,that was my idea, not yours. Damn, don't tell anybody, awright?

Mars probe carrying shuttles, how much tang do you want to eat?  Yes, you will be EATING tang.  Sound fun?  Actually, some tang really would hit the spot right about now, BUT NOT FOR THE NEXT 40 YEARS! My advice: think bigger. 
Downloading itunes, hell yes, that company will outlive the termites, assuming the termites have credit cards, wifi, a power grid, and a termite economy. So ... no.  That's a super dumb idea.  You'll have to bring a copy of David Bowie's "Space Oddity" with you. But ... only you will truely know what he has been trying to tell us ... all ... this ... time.
How many clean pairs of underware should you bring?  Why do they come in pairs?  How does underware come in pairs?  Again, worst question ever, this one is not your fault though,  THE FAULT LIES WITH SOCIETY!

All right, derisive debunking of your lack of profectic super calafatalilistic sumthing else adoicous aside:  Space is a good idea, aside from the lack of food, companionship, and non beeping / flashy light thingys.
Why not find a cave in the woods, some cave fumes, some candles, some super old parchments, an old wooden table, and a "tits" ink well / quill pen combo!  .... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY!

P.S. you may not use either of these plans, they are mine, and I'm not 100% on which one I'm going with.


More hints of things to come:

The CARE BEARS will become THE AMBIVALENT BEARS!

The JAPANESE YEN will be surpassed as a currrency first by MOUSE PELTS, and then by PIECES OF DUNG WHICH ARE FLAMABLE!

JURY DUTY?  STILL EXISTS!

Comment by mellowpuma on January 29, 2012 at 5:42pm

Delete Comment

A Reader, who is completely unaware of the metaphorical red hot poker that fate has aimed at his rectum, wrote:

"Dear Dr. Puma
  In light of the coming Apocalypse I've contacted my local Catholic priest, confessed, and cleared all sins as of today's date. However, I occasionally covet thy neighbour's wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his ass, and every other thing that is thy neighbor's.
Is there any preemptive penance I could do that would cover me? (I'm pretty sure at some point in the near future I'm going to covet one of those things again, and thy neighbor pretty much flaunts it.)
P.S. Do you really have a doctorate in the apocalypse? Because someone told me you're only a veterinarian for the four horses."

-------------------------------

Dear Catholic Seeking Catechism Before Cataclysm:

 

Easy Answer: become a Lutheran.  Sure, you may develop an annoying tendancy to nail things on wooden doors, but if you're looking for an easy out to the non-stop cycle of guilt, sin, self chastizement, repentance, slightly less repentance, quazi sin, full on sin, full on guilt, full on self chastizement, etc etc ... Lutheranism is go. Also, the priests are slighly less "molesty".  And you'll have that certain air of superiority over all things catholic.

But if changing canoes mid stream isn't your bag, (baby) then you need a letter of uncondidtional pardon from a priest.  Didn't know those existed ... well, they probably don't.  What you need to do is figure out the weakness of your local priest, and trade them whatever it is for a get into heaven free letter.  For your sake, I hope he's just a big drunky ... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY!

Veteranarian?  By "veteranarian" you mean that I disembowel animals, observe the weight and color of their organs to recieve portents of things to come ... I only did that in my youth, and only when I needed to know the outcome of sporting events.  (hint, bet on the Giants, I know the Vegas odds, and I'm still going with "my gut" on this one)


Doctorate in Apocalypse? Do you not see my cave, my candles, my quill pen, and my sack cloth robe? I've forsaken (m)all earthly pleasures!  I'm 2Legit2remit my powers of foreknowledge over the neither regions of the Universe!
For example:


When THE DEAD WALK THE EARTH, the three deceased golden girls will seek revenge on Betty White ... FOR THEIR MURDERS!


Three weeks after the 144,000 are raptured, it will become utterly impossible TO AVIOD THE NOID!

Two bold and uncompromising leaders will emerge to battle the cyborg/cloned alpaca union army ... CHARLIE SHEEN AND EMO PHILLIPS!

Comment by Ian on January 27, 2012 at 8:09pm

Dear Dr. Puma:

     Will the END OF TIMES include the END OF THIS CRITTER?

If so, I'll gladly see you in HELL.

Comment by mellowpuma on January 27, 2012 at 6:43pm

A reader who only has an infantesmal spattering of a concept of the total awfulness hovering about his mortal coil wrote:

 

"Dear Dr. Puma

I am deadly afraid of Alpaca lips....please help me, I don't even want to go outside!!!"

 

Dear Anacronistic Apocalist:

 

Alpaca Lips? Narcaleptic Please!  The mere idea that those fluffy yet menacing poodle sheep will escape HIS wrath is ... my greatest fear.  You should rent, I guess through netflicks if you can't leave your house, a movie called "Black Sheep".  This movie was created by a slightly less talented prophet of apocalypse than myself, as a how-to manual of do's and don'ts for the probable alpaca uprising.  (Notice how they used sheep, so the Alpaca's wouldn't get wind of it  ... Nice!)   Your survival, my friend, could easily rely on your herding dog commanding and free form shearing skills. 

You must sojurn to the hill country, and learn these arts, while you still have time.   Believe me "paranoia" as THOSE WHO ARE UNAWARE OF THE COMING DOOM-QUAKE call it, is just your inner GOD PARTICLES particles trying to reconfigure themselves into the HOLY HEMAFRODITE, and colliding with particles of THINGS YOUR MOTHER HAS TOLD YOU.   Ignore the remnants of her fierce tutelage, because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY !

 

Gorrillas with snake arms, YOU BET!

Haberdashery sweeping the globe as a RELIGION ...  IT WILL BE THE FIRST HOREMAN!

Antisocal Networking ... ALREADY HAPPENING!

Comment by Shag on January 27, 2012 at 5:27pm

Dear Dr. Puma,
Does the "End of the World" mean just Earth? I was thinking about hopping on one of those shuttles that carry the Mars Probe, but I want to take my MP3 player. Do you think that I will still be able to download from I-Tunes? And, how many clean pairs of underwear would you recommend taking on my trip?

                                                               Sincerely, Praying Like A MoFo

Comment by Iverneil on January 27, 2012 at 3:29pm

Dear Dr. Puma

I am deadly afraid of Alpaca lips....please help me, I don't even want to go outside!!!

Comment by Donairs on January 26, 2012 at 9:49pm

Dear Dr. Puma

  In light of the coming Apocalypse I've contacted my local Catholic priest, confessed, and cleared all sins as of today's date. However, I occasionally covet thy neighbour's wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his ass, and every other thing that is thy neighbor's.

Is there any preemptive penance I could do that would cover me? (I'm pretty sure at some point in the near future I'm going to covet one of those things again, and thy neighbor pretty much flaunts it.)

P.S. Do you really have a doctorate in the apocalypse? Because someone told me you're only a veterinarian for the four horses.

Comment by mellowpuma on January 26, 2012 at 6:13pm

A Reader, Fated Soon To Die, Wrote:

" Dr. M. Puma,

Should I tip more or less this year?  On one hand, you can't take it with you... but on the other hand neither can your waiter/waitress/bartender/massage therapist... right?  I'm so confused.  Please help me set the appropriate rate during our last year on earth.  I'm thinking 23% on tabs.  Too much?  Too little?

Please help."

 

Dear Gladhanding With God Via Waitstaffer's Wallets,

The Abyss cares not, if you have lived a virtuous life, avoided kicking naughty dogs, licked dirty nuns clean, and charitable notions of that Ilk.  The Abyss is like a giant shroud waiting to fall upon your face, it a way that is ...BAD! 

Your purse should be the last of your worries, that is unless you have a bucketlist.  In that case, hoard your gold like that one aunt you have  who has like 30 cats living in a plywood cat hotel in her backyart.  Oh, have you not converted your paper currency into gold yet?  Really?  Really?  You do read the newspaper, right?  Hmm. 

If you really want to give your food bearer/body olier a gift, warn them that THE ARMY OF SATAN AND THE SEVEN DEADLY APOCALYPSE BEASTS are approaching!  I'd avoid going into detail about the nature and apperance of the SEVEN DEADLY APOCALYPSE BEASTS, because I doubt the true nature of the horror that awaits would jive with the common masseuse's jaded horse sense.    Also, you might just skip that part, tip well, and enjoy the double irony of a "happy ending".   Because ... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY ! ... ALL WILL END IN TEARS!

Young people sailing around the world, at increasingly young ages, will be killed by pirates with jackhammers!

Tea cup Poodles will become soup bowl poodles!

Diarrhea fire will replace pico de gallo as the most common burrito garnish!

... IN THE END TIMES OF PROPHESY !

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