Ask Dr. M Puma ... IN SPAAAACE!
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Comment
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Comment by mellowpuma on October 15, 2011 at 11:29pm -
A Reader Wrote ... IN SPAAACE!
Dr. Ipanema,
I've got tickets to the Spacely Spacester & the Space-Tasters concert, but I just found out that Spaceley supports the intergalactic ban on space-racing. I have all his albums & have always wanted to go see him in concert, but I make my living selling space-racing t-shirts & astro-hats. If this ban goes through, I'm black-holed!
I'm not sure what to do, please help! Also, please look at the awesome space-racing gear I have for sale:
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Dear Misdirected Marketer of Muclerocket Manfashion
I am good friends with Dr. Ipanema, and he received my call in between his daily 7:00AM bossanovacize and his daily 9:00AM tantric sexcapade. A transcription of his advice is as follows:
"Jew should, like, mam, be having more of the sexualness in your patoonga. "
That's all he said. That son of a bitch did out advise me at the yearly advice columnist rap battle/chilli cook off, so ... I'd listen to him. Two things though: I'm not sure if he was talking to me or you, and I think "patoonga" is a generic term for the trunk of a car, if that helps ... IN SPAAACE!
P.S.
I agree with you about the space racing, my record is 11 days check this out:
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Comment by antistar on October 12, 2011 at 1:19pm -
check it out, my latest design!
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Comment by antistar on October 12, 2011 at 1:00pm
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Dr. Ipanema,
I've got tickets to the Spacely Spacester & the Space-Tasters concert, but I just found out that Spaceley supports the intergalactic ban on space-racing. I have all his albums & have always wanted to go see him in concert, but I make my living selling space-racing t-shirts & astro-hats. If this ban goes through, I'm black-holed!
I'm not sure what to do, please help! Also, please look at the awesome space-racing gear I have for sale:
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Comment by mellowpuma on October 9, 2011 at 4:41pm
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A Reader Wrote ... IN SPAAACE!:
Dear Dr. Puma,
I am a heavy masturbater, especially when I'm in the Space Lab for 6 months at a time. I find that I have great difficulty capturing my jism in Kleenex when I'm flogging away at zero gravity. As a result, it looks like hundreds of miniature cumulus clouds are floating in my cabin. What can I do to alleviate this problem - and don't bother saying quit beating the bishop - ain't gonna happen.
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Dear Bishop to Pawn's Nook:
Now, space masturbation is a natural thing, which should be conducted by all space farers, at a MINIMUM of 10 times a day. Any less and space dimentia setsin. Kleenex? Astronaught, please! Head over to Malcrio 7, Planetoid 9, Dock 8, look for the boarded up optomotrist's office, and knock three times. A man with the glass hand will open the door, say nothing. Follow him into the bowels of his establishment and negotiate to get your HoloVid chamber upgraded by Zanparn the Discreet. Tell him Dr. M Puma, er wait, they don't know my real name there. Oh yea, tell them that "Detective Blondewood" sent you. Oh, and when they ask you if you want a "catcher and pitcher" unit, say just the catcher part. Trust me, you don't want what that machine is going to be pitching coming at you ... IN SPAAACE!
Or you can just wait untill my new Sophia Loren bot hits market in two months (pending pervo engineer testing and approval). It will take care of your particular problem and, coincidentally, provide you with a nutrient bar every two weeks, which will replenish your "vitamins".... IN SPAAACE!!!.
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Comment by mellowpuma on October 9, 2011 at 4:29pm
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A Reader Wrote... IN SPAAACE!:
Dr. M. Puma,
It's really great being in spaaaace, everything is 30% better. I mean, playing shuffleboard is nothing compared to 'playing shuffleboard.....IN SPAAAACE'. No one ever extols the wonderment of 'eating soup.....ON EEAAAAARTH'.
I was alarmed to recently discover that, while raking space-leaves, I actually found it a little tedious. My neighbor, a native of the planet Pikklegaar, hovered into his driveway, & I almost shared this with him, but caught myself at the last second, & just waved & threw saliva at him, as is the Pikklegaarian greeting custom.
I realized he would probably turn me in to the Space Police if I revealed my waning enthusiasm for all activities not on Terra firma. I heard horrible things that they do to "earth piners" out here in spaaaaace.
What can I do about this acute case of space-fatigue? My wife is a 3-Armed Puptentian, & as we all know, they are dumber than a bag of space-rocks, so she doesn't understand my problem. I mean, the other day she was making a batch of spacety-chip space-cookies, & I used to love them, but I couldn't eat more than half of one. I puked all over Banana Montana, our space-hamster, a few minutes later.
Please help, the Uvvu-Rotation Space-Festival is next week, & I have to help build the "Happy In Space" rocket float, & I'm just phoning it in.
-Yawning In Space
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Dear Land Lubber in fear of Retrograde Obit.
Have you tried an "ironic" love of all things earthly? Have you tried casing your feelings in the intestinal sausage wrapper of sarcasm? Start a trend! Get a tee shirt made with the words " "Yeah, "I" "Miss" "Earth" AS IF!" ". Soon you will meet other quazi-reverse-ironic earth "loving" space hipsters, such as you must become in order to survive ... IN SPAAACE!
As far as a theme for the "Happy In Space" float, keep the love/hate but really love / no I really hate earth thing going! And don't let the space man get you down! Tell the space police that you are working deep cover, in a sting operation. If they ask you questions about it, ask for their Lord Galron approved official inquisitor registry number. If they don't know what that is, tell them that speaking to a person of their rank and clearance level is a poor use of your space time, and that if they continue to question you, you'll personally make sure they end up overseeing a prison astro mine facility in the yopauta sector ... IN SPAAACE!
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Comment by antistar on October 6, 2011 at 10:01am
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Dr. M. Puma,
It's really great being in spaaaace, everything is 30% better. I mean, playing shuffleboard is nothing compared to 'playing shuffleboard.....IN SPAAAACE'. No one ever extols the wonderment of 'eating soup.....ON EEAAAAARTH'.
I was alarmed to recently discover that, while raking space-leaves, I actually found it a little tedious. My neighbor, a native of the planet Pikklegaar, hovered into his driveway, & I almost shared this with him, but caught myself at the last second, & just waved & threw saliva at him, as is the Pikklegaarian greeting custom.
I realized he would probably turn me in to the Space Police if I revealed my waning enthusiasm for all activities not on Terra firma. I heard horrible things that they do to "earth piners" out here in spaaaaace.
What can I do about this acute case of space-fatigue? My wife is a 3-Armed Puptentian, & as we all know, they are dumber than a bag of space-rocks, so she doesn't understand my problem. I mean, the other day she was making a batch of spacety-chip space-cookies, & I used to love them, but I couldn't eat more than half of one. I puked all over Banana Montana, our space-hamster, a few minutes later.
Please help, the Uvvu-Rotation Space-Festival is next week, & I have to help build the "Happy In Space" rocket float, & I'm just phoning it in.
-Yawning In Space
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Comment by mellowpuma on September 29, 2011 at 11:11pm
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A Reader Wrote: IN SPAAAACE!:
Dr. M. Puma,
How can I "spice-up" my space-noodles? Don't get me wrong, I love space-noodles, & not just because my fiance is the daughter of Billy "Wax n' Stax" Bartolucci, the president of Tummy-Time Space-Noodles®, no way, I really enjoy eating them, they're really, really nice.
It's just that, sometimes, they seem a little....flat. Like they could use a little, like the Raxxnornians would say, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee brk-brk" (sorry, I can't do the Raxxnornian pitch just right. Probably because I don't have a big old snout, right?! Ha-ha-ha). You know, something to make them like, great!
Ah, who am I kidding? I fuckin' hate space-noodles. Every day, with the space-noodles! I can't take it anymore! Would it kill her to make a fuckin' space-steak once in a while!? I want to puke every time I sit down at the cosmos-nook! "Do you want Skrollik Flakes on your space-noodles, or Duu'mik Powder?" FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR FA--
Oh, uh, hi Mr. Bartolucci...nah, n-naw, I was just t-talkin' about....OOOO-
[transmission ended]
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Dear Neglected Noodle being forcefieldfed Space Dimentia Stroodle:
I feel your pain, like a thousand points of light. That giant sucking sound, isn't noodles, it's the economy, stupid: but you're not a cook. Fillet the course, they've misunderestimated you, even if you didn't have sexual relations with that woman. It's not a big truck, it's a series of tubes, and mistakes were made. Ask not what your Courtney can do for you—ask what you can do for her count, try a little fuzzy math, and remeber: only Nixon could go to China. Nixion's the one, but someday, you won't have Nixon to kick around anymore. Someday, you'll be wondering "where's the beef?" Remember, the most terrifying words in the english language are: I'm from the government, and I'm here to hump. You have to get "Mr Gorvachev" to tear down that wall, because when the president does it, that means that it is not illegal. The only thing you haven't reared is rear itself. Just tell her "the buck stops here", and remeber not to inhale. Yes, her can. My friends, a chicken in every poot will get you four more years.
Drill baby, drill ... IN SPAAAACE!
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Comment by antistar on September 29, 2011 at 11:25am
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Dr. M. Puma,
How can I "spice-up" my space-noodles? Don't get me wrong, I love space-noodles, & not just because my fiance is the daughter of Billy "Wax n' Stax" Bartolucci, the president of Tummy-Time Space-Noodles®, no way, I really enjoy eating them, they're really, really nice.
It's just that, sometimes, they seem a little....flat. Like they could use a little, like the Raxxnornians would say, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee brk-brk" (sorry, I can't do the Raxxnornian pitch just right. Probably because I don't have a big old snout, right?! Ha-ha-ha). You know, something to make them like, great!
Ah, who am I kidding? I fuckin' hate space-noodles. Every day, with the space-noodles! I can't take it anymore! Would it kill her to make a fuckin' space-steak once in a while!? I want to puke every time I sit down at the cosmos-nook! "Do you want Skrollik Flakes on your space-noodles, or Duu'mik Powder?" FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR FA--
Oh, uh, hi Mr. Bartolucci...nah, n-naw, I was just t-talkin' about....OOOO-
[transmission ended]
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Comment by mellowpuma on September 28, 2011 at 9:31pm
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A Reader Wrote, IN SPAAAACE!: PAAART ONNNNE!
Dr. M. Puma, in SPAAAAACE,
When I purchased my current personal servant robots, I did not realize they were part of the SS-Y88 model line, which are programmed to be particularly "sassy". Their operating protocols are intolerable, I can't get them to do anything without some kind of sarcastic back & forth. They make snide comments about the oil they run on (it's a "budget oil", c'mon, it's not that bad). They won't disinfect the space-toilet without snarky comments on my swampy-pee smell.
I've had it, Doctor M. Puma! They stage elaborate scenarios in the middle of the night to make me think that the local sun is imploding, when serving me lunch they put mustard on a sandwich upon which I'd clearly requested Spaceonnaise®, they let space-squirrels in to run amok. While I'm in my sealed Masturbation Cube Space-O-Vision room, they go through my space-checkbook & crack wise about how I paid too much for my Myrkon 3337-KXK FurtsTraf cruiser.
-Degraded, In Space *sigh*
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Dear Benny With The Jets suffering from Servile Motor Jests:
Ah robots. God love em. The easy answer is to wipe their memory and reprogram them. But you already knew the easy answer, unless I miss my guess, you like to do things the hard way. At this point, you don't just want them to follow your orders without lip, you want them to reget the day they first pointed out how tacky those shoes look with those K mart sweatpants. Which would be totally impossible if you erased their memory. Then they'd just think you were an asshole. Hmm, making robots feel remorse. You'll have to trick them into breaking all of Asimov's three laws of robotics. That's the only proven way to make robots feel remorse.
"1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm." to accomplish this one, the classic "If both of your children were drowing, and you could only save one, which one would it be" conundrum. Of course, you won't use your own children, a pair of sutably short space hoboes will do, and if they are brother and sister, all the better. Create a situation where one will die in the fore control room, or one in the aft cargo bay within a fifteen second time span from the moment you inform your robot that it needs to save them both. The robot will inevitably kill one or the other space hoboes through inaction, or both if it takes time to come up with a sassy comback, and will experience robo guilt. Score Sassy Robot: 0 You:1 Space Hoboes: -1 or -2.
2. "A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law." This one is a bit easier. Try the old "hey robot, this space hobo is going to murder someone if you don't kill him first". If your robot does kill the space hobo, reveal the picture of an entirely different space hobo, who was also in the room, which you had palmed in your hand. If your robot doesn't kill the first space hobo, in your robot's absence murder the second space hobo and blame it on the robot's refusal to preemptively kill the first space hobo. Score: Robot:0(or 1 if your robot sees your space hobo murder) You:2 (or 1 if your robot sees your space hobo murder) Space Hoboes: -2 or -3 or -4.
TO BE CONTINUED .... IN SPAAAACE!
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Comment by mellowpuma on September 28, 2011 at 9:30pm
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I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE CONTINUED , IN SPAAAACE!:
Dear Benny With The Jets suffering from Servile Motor Jests: PART TWWWO!
3. "A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws." A grand slam on this one is very difficult, because you have to make your robot save itself from destruction by either obeying or not obeying an order or taking independent action which causes a human being to come to harm. The #3 big whammy is however essencial to the horrible revenge fantasy that has been brewing in your sadistic mind all this time.
First, while your robot is in the charging station, double check it for hidden EM pulse generators. Then place the first space hobo in the ship's airlock with a 15 minute oxygen supply. Put the robot in silent mode, I'll explain why later. Let the robot know that any physical attempt to manually rescue the first space hobo will release the airlock, killing him and trapping the robot in space, where its battery will die(hide a large magnet in the airlock to catch your robot if it takes this option, 'cause robots don't grow on space trees). Then tell the robot that a second space hobo has been wired with an explosive device which will detonate if the robot makes any sassy comment. Then tell the robot that only a sassy comment will open the airlock to free the first space hobo before he runs out of air. Then tell the robot that a bomb has been placed in it's body while it was in the charging station, which will destroy it, if it doesn't make a sassy comment in 15 minutes(not really, see above). Finally, tell the robot, that if it does the most logical thing: opens the airlock, jumps toward the first space hobo, and uses it's momentum to launch him toward the portal which it set on a timer built into it's arm, that lord galron will kill everyone, and revive it's robot body. (that acutally does sound like something lord galron would do). Now take your robot out of silent mode. It will most likely self destruct, wherein you can return it to the store, and get a perpetually showering Sophia Loren bot.
Score:
Robot: 0(or 1 if your robot sees your space hobo murder, or 2 if it has an EM pulse generator that It'd been hiding from you all this time, and saw your space hobo murder)
You:3 (or 2 if your robot sees your space hobo murder, or 1 if your robot had an EM pulse generator that It'd been hiding from you all this time and saw your space hobo murder)
Space Hoboes: -3 or -4 or -5 or -6
Perpetually Showering Sophia Loren Bot Manufacturing Plant: 1 (or 0 if your robot had an EM pulse generator that It'd been hiding from you all this time)
So there you have it, happy housebreaking, and don't forget to save those space hobo pelts for lord galron ... IN SPAAAACE!
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