Comedy Whirled

Ask "Dr." m. puma, IN THE POST POST END TIMES OF POST POST APOCALYPSE!!


Good tidings, sufferers.  How has THE APOCALYPSE been treating you? The flames weren't quite as flamey as I'd previously been lead to believe.  Aside from that, all is as I PREDICTED!  A POX OF FORMER LAWYERS!

Anywho.... again we are faced with the HORRORS of a mad max-esque anarchistic hellscape!     Hopefully, an emperor palpetine-like republocrat will emerge, and set right all these things, which they set wrong from THE SHADOWS. Because, in these days, when you have a non stop presidential race, it's never too early to start A' COURTIN'.  Anywhooo, lookin' forward to watching that all play out.  

Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan won reelection to the first district after his failed vice-presidential bid in 2012. Photo by Associated Press.

in the mean time, with no FDA, how about some tainted chicken, or some crystal lite / bible powder?

mmm, i love those unsubstantiated bio flavonoids, no reason they can't make these claims, no FDA, no foul.

 

as per usual, quid pro quo, and a posteriori, "Dr" m. puma will answer the questions filling your  heads (which are being MANIPULATED FROM THE SHADOWS!)  DURING THE POST POST END TIMES OF POST POST APOCALYPSE!!

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Comment by mellowpuma on November 1, 2013 at 3:50am

A reader who foolishly covets the Omniscience of The Lord Himself wrote:

"
I think they are the same creeps that sold me the "Miracle Relationship Enhancer root" except they got a new front man. I have hopes and dreams Dr. Puma and I want them so bad I tend to buy into this crap a lot. Hell, I cried like a baby when I heard Billy Mays died, It felt like I knew him. Set me straight Doc, give me some tips, who are the good guys? and who are the bad guys?
"

Dear Incurring Wrath for Selfish Gain,

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? My hunch is yes, but as I am a prophet of doom, these things come naturally to me.  So you'd like a device, of sorts, to measure the relative evil-ity of specific human souls. That's easy.

Follow the person in question to a diner, restaurant, or other such place of eating foodstuffs where, alone, they start a meal around 3:45. A talented, yet morally flexible, hypnotist may be a good investment for creating this scenario.  Now, everybody knows the shift change happens at 4:00.  Once they leave, steal all the money and the check, take it back to your home, and count it. Determine whether they left the correct tip for a server with whom they have no motivation to reward, and there is no consequence if they do not.

So: If A Tip Falls Below The Half Fourth, It Does Make Them Not Sound.

Either way, you'll immediately know that they're a better person than you are, you despicable spying thief.

See how that works, you can't usurp the Power of God without damning yourself for all eternity.

Good luck!

Comment by mellowpuma on November 1, 2013 at 3:16am

a reader, who is unaware of the grim future, as the ropes of time slip through their grasp wrote:

"
I gave a donation to Popoff for his "MiracleMixture" seeds. I buried them in the ground but after three days they kept coming back out. How can I get my Miracle if the seeds wont stay planted ?
"


Dear Second Thoughts Upon Seed Sewing:

Firstly, i must explain my absence of late: i've been absent of late.

Secondly, does The Miracle of Life not float your boat? pretty high up there on the miracle scale, (yes, i do have a miracle scale, and no you can't see it).  I'd think twice about rejecting the miracle of life. (the second time, i recommend you think not to do it)

Remember that God watches us in The Heavens, like Santa, except he knows what you do in the bathroom when the water's running. Here's a hint, seed scattering, not good. seed re buyring, probably bad too.

listen, how you "get your miracle" (if that's what the kids are calling it these days) is your business. but take it out on the plants and yawegh gets angry. And then there's no miracle for anyone, unless you own a company that repairs houses after tsunamis, volcanoes, and locust storms.

Comment by Iverneil on October 12, 2013 at 3:52pm

I think they are the same creeps that sold me the "Miracle Relationship Enhancer root" except they got a new front man. I have hopes and dreams Dr. Puma and I want them so bad I tend to buy into this crap a lot. Hell, I cried like a baby when I heard Billy Mays died, It felt like I knew him. Set me straight Doc, give me some tips, who are the good guys? and who are the bad guys?

Comment by 38chrysler on October 12, 2013 at 10:15am

I gave a donation to Popoff for his "MiracleMixture" seeds. I buried them in the ground but after three days they kept coming back out. How can I get my Miracle if the seeds wont stay planted ?

Comment by mellowpuma on October 10, 2013 at 1:10am

a reader, who made me google what he was talking about, (cause i'm a prophet, not an encyclopedia) wrote:

"Am I also being manipulated by Cliff Richard? Or just The Shadows? Because, well, you know. And what do you suggest I eat for breakfast in the Post Post Grape-Nuts times?""

Dear Breakfast of Crapions:

holy crap, that guy had "the drifters" as a backup band?  what the hell?  they were one of the best r&b groups of all time, ... and they backed him up?  brain still not processing.  how did a turd like this get them as a backup band?    

If you are being manipulated by this piece of shit, good luck, friendo.  he somehow fooled the drifters.  you have utterly no chance.  just bash your head in with a rock. 

for breakfast, i gotta say shotgun pellets. cliff richard manipulated you into manipulating me into looking him up and listening to his crap music.  you are obviously part of the army of the damned. 

Comment by mellowpuma on October 10, 2013 at 12:36am

a reader who seems to be able to sniff out a false prophet, but chooses to be all incredulous about it wrote:

"Why hasn't Hal Lindsey been raptured yet?"

dear Babtist Nerdist:

being a prophet of doom is serious business.  if your prophesies don't come true, or mostly so, GOD hates you, for pretending to usurp his various omi-cities.   he actually gave me a rapture ticket, but i was all like: "ehh, i'll stay back to help the sufferers".   also, if you just rehash stuff from his old super team of prophets, and you still somehow get it wrong, you done.

Comment by MacSpruce on October 9, 2013 at 11:19pm

Am I also being manipulated by Cliff Richard? Or just The Shadows? Because, well, you know. And what do you suggest I eat for breakfast in the Post Post Grape-Nuts times?

Comment by MacSpruce on October 9, 2013 at 10:58pm

Wow! That shit really works. Downright biblical. 

Comment by Mike McHuman on October 9, 2013 at 4:53pm

Why hasn't Hal Lindsey been raptured yet?

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