Comedy Whirled

Ask "Dr." M. puma ... At a Comedy Club in the Early 90's.

Look at all the married people here. Men, we are always leaving the toilet seat up, am I right?
The worst thing is when you were a kid and you saw your parents making love. What's up?
Now you've got to love old people, like my grandma: my grandma's a funny lady, she thinks that Mc Hammer pants give people AIDS. For Real!
Who here hates flying, I'll tell you who, white people. Not only that, but they always dance like this: Dipa Dipa Do!
Have you been to McDonald's lately, they now have these pictures of food on the cash register. It's like Bleep Bloop!
OK that's my time, Oh, and if you have any questions you want advice on, just ask "Dr." M. puma ... At A Comedy Club In the Early 90's.

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Comment by mellowpuma on February 26, 2013 at 1:26am

A reader, who makes any bathroom into a superfund cleanup site within 2 minutes wrote:

Dear Dr. Puma,
How can I avoid dysentery while on the Oregon Trail?
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Oh man, so I had these spicy tacos the other night. Whooo eee. Old Mr. butthole was not thanking me afterwords. Woof. He was like "what are you eating lava up there?".

It's so hard to keep up with all that health news, I guess the new thing is you're not supposed to eat wheat? Really? Sorry wheaties, the health gestapo will send me to fat camp if they find you in my house. Them's the breaks!

Frankenberry Cereal: sill good as far as I know, so I'm good.

I guess you're supposed to be a vegetarian now too. Salads, please somebody just shoot me, then stuff my carcass with papayas!

Oh, and carbs. Oh no, not carbs! Swim around in a live shark tank, fine ... but don't eat a carb! Think of the children! You wouldn't want to set a bad example, and watch their hearts explode when they turn 23!  Man, that Atkins guy is probably going to live forever, like a mummy. A horrible preachy mummy.

All these people out there, they think their body is a temple. Meanwhile I'm stuck here in the temple of doom!  My psoriasis has psoriasis! At this point, I think oatmeal would probably kill me!  It'd shoot straight through me and leave a bloody mess on the floor. Bran cereal? I'd better write a will first!

Oregon? Heck, I'll be lucky if I can make it to the bathroom without this turning into a Galager show!  Those jerks down at the health department keep hearing me say "There Aughta Be A Law", and they're like "yeah there is a law about that, it's called don't spread diarrhea on your audience!"  But you know me, I'm too old to learn new tricks!

Comment by mindblender on February 25, 2013 at 8:46pm

Dear Dr. Puma,

How can I avoid dysentery while on the Oregon Trail?

Comment by mellowpuma on February 22, 2013 at 5:15am

a reader who's like that one guy, who I keep seeing places, but can't for the life of me remember his name, and seems to know a bit too much about me wrote:

East Coast, West Coast, Biggie, Tupac, Where do you stand?
------

Oh man, the kids today with their rippity raps.  Bitch this bitch that, here a bitch, there a bitch, everywhere a bitch bitch.  Technically isn't complaining "bitching". therefore, is not everyone who complains a "bitch".  Following my little geometric proof here, how can one complain about bitchiness, without ... in the act, entering the kingdom of bitchhood?  It's like the sound of one hand slapping.

Remember when " bitchin' " was a good thing? "oh man, those acid washed jeans are really bitchin' ". America, as a whole, just needs to sit down and, once and for all, figure out it's position on the concept of the aggressive female.

And these kids with their pants down around their knees? Really, you decided that was a good look for you?  And this look is gangster? Well, gangsta, I sure hope you don't have to run from any policemen ... cause you're gonna loose that little foot race.

Meanwhile, I can't order a whopper from a the palest white kid I've ever seen, without hearing the word "yo" 15 times.

Now, you were asking me about baggie or shrink wrap?

That's the other thing, at the grocery store, they're always asking "paper or plastic".  It's like, hello sir, would you like to destroy the forests, or single handedly carve an ever enlargening hole in the sky?
Today, my good man, i think i'll commit some tree genocide! Muah Hah Hah! I'll be back later for your little tree children too!

Now if you're asking me whether I like the east coast or the west coast best, my response is NO.

on the one hand, everything's just far out, and cool dude. What does tubular even mean? Does anyone know?
On the other hand, everyone wants to cut in line, and talk like their brain is doing a rabid badger impersonation.


It's just too hard keeping up with things these days. It's like I always say "There Aughta Be A Law".

Comment by LL Bein on February 21, 2013 at 9:13pm

East Coast, West Coast, Biggie, Tupac, Where do you stand?

Comment by mellowpuma on February 18, 2013 at 9:36pm

A reader who's like that guy in college who always had that big poster on his door in the dorm,  about not trusting anybody over 30 wrote:

Dear MPPhd: Let's say we're able to retrieve dinosaur DNA from a mosquito and make real live dinosaurs. Instead of letting them grow up wild we should teach them at a very early age to do things for us. Teams of Brontosaurus could tow giant plows in developing nations. Velociraptors could be used to eradicate pests. T-Rex could be taught to do your taxes. Just look what we did starting with a wolf and a baby dingo... Where does our responsibility as care-taker and molder of all life on earth end? And when do we get those microchips in our heads so we can hear TV commercials 24/7 anytime, anywhere?

--------

Oh boy, don't get me started on those animal experiments.  Human beings are the only species crewel enough to give another animal a career. It's like it isn't bad enough that we have to put products in our hair and pretend we like our jobs, now little benji has to punch the clock too. It's like an industrialists wet dream, because animals will literally work for peanuts!

You know, I always thought dinosaurs were kinda funny, T-rex's especially. Here's a giant head full of deadly teeth, then there are these tiny little arms.  What, are those arms towel racks? What? It kinda makes him look like a waiter, a shitty awkward waiter.

How did this guy become an apex predator? There musta been some low hanging fruit back in those days.  Sorry Trex, I can't hire you for this position, because this is the worst resume I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure those little monkey arms you've got taped to your chest should be able to type faster than 15 words per minute.  Also, this is a religious institution, and some of the staff here don't believe that you ever really existed in the first place.

If you think the animal rights people are bad now, just think about how it'll be when they start filling workplace discrimination suits.  We'll have to hire vampire bats at the blood bank for Christ sake! That of course brings up a whole new issue, illegal emigration. Do you realize these guys just go from one place to the next willy nilly? Soon enough senior banana is going to be coming here, and taking American monkey jobs. Things we used to eat for lunch will literally be eating our lunch!

Oh, but we have to treat the animals fairly, because we're better than them. Ohh, give peace a chance, kumbia. I give piece a chance once a week, when I pick up an 8 piece bucket of chicken!

The whole mess is going to the dogs, I tell ya.

What's funny is that some people think we're going to get microchips in our heads, like those radio collars that rich peoples dogs have. Here's why that's funny: dogs are lovable  loyal, friends you will have until they die.  Meanwhile, I can't even keep a wife for 3 years straight, without her taking half my money and the house!

If a person gets lost, everybody just thinks, great, more oxygen for me to breathe!  But ... Oh no, Mr. Scruffers is missing! Alert the coast guard! Let's build a nationwide society to find homes for lost animals, let's elect ... YES ELECT an animal finder for each city we build, no matter how rinky dink a berg in buttwad podunkville.  When's the last time you heard about people electing a missing persons detective?

So, guess what? You: not that valuable. Dog, yes - You, no. That's what's crazy, man. Why would they put a microchip in your brain when television is just so much more convenient? Guess what ... in between the soap ads, Matlock finds out who did it!  He does every time!  It's always the b list character actor you recognize from that other show. What? You think Teli Sevalas is going to guest star on a murder detective show ... and not be the murderer? 
So, in summary:

1. Animal missing: giant tragedy complete with greek chorus and marble columns. 
2. Person horribly murdered with an axe: prime time ratings bonanza!
3. Animals won't take our jobs, because it isn't humane to make them do what we make other humans do. (wait for it)
4. You will never get a microchip in your head, because the return doesn't equal the investment.

It's like I always say "There Aughta Be A Law"

Comment by Ian on February 18, 2013 at 7:54pm

Dear MPPhd: Let's say we're able to retrieve dinosaur DNA from a mosquito and make real live dinosaurs.  Instead of letting them grow up wild we should teach them at a very early age to do things for us.  Teams of Brontosaurus could tow giant plows in developing nations.   Velociraptors could be used to eradicate pests.  T-Rex could be taught to do your taxes.  Just look what we did starting with a wolf and a baby dingo...  Where does our responsibility as care-taker and molder of all life on earth end?  And when do we get those microchips in our heads so we can hear TV commercials 24/7 anytime, anywhere?

Comment by mellowpuma on February 17, 2013 at 11:20pm

A reader who's just like that one last piece of pizza in the box, that everyone wants but no one will say they want until it's a whole thing wrote:

Why do women become serial murderers instead of just staying home and making babies like they're supposed to do?

----------
Oh man, don't get me started on women. It's like they're special, they smell nice, and they're super judgmental.   But with women, it's all about the bigger better deal, am I right? 
Oh, you're a misogynist, oh boo! Shutup.  Oh, he's such a nice guy, he won't mind if I stab 57 times him and keep his pinky as a token.  But some jerk walks in and it just like they melt like butter. they're like: "Yeah, his constant insults are so dreamy". "And that time I passed out and he left me at that party, sigh."
You know what I think it is, it's that whole concept of a safe disinterest. So, if you're TOO interested in their feelings: you're creepy, and you get literally killed. If you have no concept of their feelings whatsoever, then they've found a boy just like dear pa pa. (who, coincidentally they're thinking of when they bludgeon the nice guy)
What can I say, women will kill you. They will either make you emotionally dead in the bizarre typhoon of baggage, or they will make a nice lamp out of your skin.
That's just how it is.

It's like I always say "There Aughta Be A Law".  By the way, don't forget to stop by the concession booth for your "There Aughta Be A Law" T-shirts, available after the show.

Comment by Buttermilk on February 17, 2013 at 10:49am

Why do women become serial murderers instead of just staying home and making babies like they're supposed to do?

Comment by mellowpuma on February 16, 2013 at 11:55pm

A reader, whose shirt makes him look like that one guy at the football game who painted himself blue, and thought "hey this is a good look for me, I hope my boss sees this on the jumbotron" wrote:

"Dr." M.  Puma,

What's the deal with airline food? 

-----------------

That's a very good question, for me to answer while I seduce your date with a single raise of my eyebrow and say "There Aughta Be A Law"!

It's like, oh man, let's give people a substance which makes it impossible for them to go to the bathroom.  Let's just get some sawdust, which will soak up all their pee, and tell them it's chicken.   Then ... let's offer them another choice, yes, a different flavor of intestinal glue!  Thank you.  I can choose the color of the delivery vehicle which will double park itself in my colon. 

They're like: "first ... let's offer the passengers a tiny can of coke, that makes them feel like a GIANT, then, we'll block up their schlongs with glue that tastes like chicken, MUAH HA HA."  "Then they'll think twice about refusing the five dollar headphones for the in flight movie!"  

Because that's what we really want, a full bladder while that kid kicks the back of our seat, and a movie about volcanoes erupting.  Thank you airlines, and please, reward that child with a pair of plastic wings.  

I'm watching Harrison Ford jump off the hoover dam, and I'm thinking: that lucky bastard.  You see it's so much easier not to be afraid of dying in a horrible plane crash, if you're already praying for death.

And that pilot with his godlike pilot voice, "good evening passengers, I am heavily sedated, bla bla bla."  "You cannot focus on my words, due to the Kenny G esque quality of my voice. " "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain".  It's like I've already died, and am just waiting to see the light.  I'm actually hoping the plane crashes, just to end this miserable crapstorm. 

It's like I always say "There Aughta Be A Law"

Comment by Slant on February 16, 2013 at 11:05pm

"Dr." M.  Puma,

What's the deal with airline food? 

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