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Hello "friends" Now It seems to me that all you people have problems, deep deep deep problems.  Well, suffer no longer, "Dr" M. Puma is here to answer your questions and provide advice. 

 

So make with the unwellness already!

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Comment by mellowpuma on September 22, 2011 at 11:05pm

A Reader Done Wrote:

Dear Doctor,

            I know you're a busy man, and don't take kindly to matters concernin' poor simple folk like myself. But I pray you'll take pity (as I am but a child), and perhaps learn me on some remedy that'll set my po' momma right.

You see sir, my poppa past on of late. He was out fishin' one afternoon and went and got himself drowned. My momma (bless her soul), well, she been acting considerable strange ever since. It was no sooner that we got the word of my dear ole pa, that she started this being real peculiar like. She never mourned for him - never shed a tear - and, before he was even cold in his grave, she started about doing things, things lady folk aren't suppose to.

(an such an such all up a tarnation ta wheres dat browser winna wo'n low my answerication)

Sincerely,

          John William Henry Benjamin Adams Jr.


Dear Huck Finn by meansa Ole Jim:

Firstly , ye best mind yo momma.  Disrespecn yo momma an such is the devil's bidness! An you ain't no devil's chil, you's a godly boy.  Yo momma be goin thru a changin o the sperit. Ain't notin wrong nor right bout it son.  She be feelin the hand o God in hers life.  One day far far way from da'day, when you bee feelin the win blo, you be knowin it be God dat done be doin da blowin.  Ain't no ways a boy suchin yosef be havin any way of da knowin over it.  You see, the lor ain be wan n menfolk an wemen folk be seprate.  He be wantin dem with the big joy in des belly.  Menfolk wit deys menfolk talk be wan n des self as god, an dat worl as deys oyster. I tells you boy, I bests dat God be laughin and catterwallin up a storm o joy wen er he hearses dat menfolk talk.  Many tamarraws aferin today, you be unerstan n yo momma be floatn in the grace o God, not bedevelmen.

What I not be hearsin from you boy, be yo own feelin. I not be hearsin you anger. An bleve you me, boy you be angerzin. You be jus tip top ready to be angerizin at wha evers be nearst you.  An dat be yo momma.  You mizerble at her fo not bein mo mizerble.  Boy, I bet you's even be mad at God fo him betakin yo pappa up to heaven wit him.  Now ain't dat a damn fool thing.  Why, he up there on a cloud lovin on you, but nearly cryin cause you be hatin on the wirl.  Now you gost me to nearly cryin boy, I say nearly cause I proud. Boy, you needs not to be lookin an peepin and serchiatin all over fo thins what to be hatin, you best be like yo momma, an be lookin fo love. Now as dey says in dem books "theren lies da rub": how you bees gettin froms where's you at to wheres you otta be? Now das da questiatin you'ws be askin ifn you'da be in yo right min, not alls dis "my momma be actiatin strange" hogwash. shoot.

But don you feret none, cause ole Dr. Puma be havin a solutication.  If'n yous git dat momma disrepectin, worl distrusdin, lor angern' feelin in yo belly, get the lor music in yo craw. Git you an ol milk jug, orn a waskbord, orn a gitar if'n yous got da means, an you chase mr devel yonder inna dem hills. You wail so louds even yo daddy be hearin you.  Walk wit me now

Ohh laws no, devel won be gidin my han

Ohh laws no, I's boun fo da milk n honey lan

Ohh laws yes, devel man gots no possesion ons me

Ohh laws yes, lor mercy wantses me to be free

Now, boy don' you feel dat win o God flowin ins you, jus liken yo momma? Shoot, nar teweney hartbeasts ago wes was cryin liken new born babes.  Whe I says you minds yo momma, I's be sayin it twice, once fo yo ears, an once fo yo's heart. Shoot, you's alsmost gosts me startin' a secon vers. You best run long now boy, you's a good boy, an you's made an ol man happy da'day, you's member dat.  An yous min yo momma.

Comment by Donairs on September 21, 2011 at 12:47pm

Dear Doctor,

            I know you're a busy man, and don't take kindly to matters concernin' poor simple folk like myself. But I pray you'll take pity (as I am but a child), and perhaps learn me on some remedy that'll set my po' momma right. 

You see sir, my poppa past on of late. He was out fishin' one afternoon and went and got himself drowned. My momma (bless her soul), well, she been acting considerable strange ever since. It was no sooner that we got the word of my dear ole pa, that she started this being real peculiar like. She never mourned for him - never shed a tear - and, before he was even cold in his grave, she started about doing things, things lady folk aren't suppose to. Sir I can't even begin to tell you the awful things she done since they found my po' ole pa plume dead. She been middling in poppa's monies, choppin' wood of all things, and she even leaves the house and goes to town without nobody's consent. Now to make matters worse, she even seems proud of it! She's been smiling and laughing like nobody ever told her the awful she done ain't right. The other day my momma came home and I asked her where she been, she said she was down along the river. I asked her why she went there, and you know what she said? "Cause I felt like doing so"! Now I'm not a learned one, but it's my understanding that it's a man job to keep the lady folk safe from doing such awful things theys feel like. I know what my poppa woulda done, but he ain't here no more, and I believe the bible says a boy can't beat his momma.

So sir, it's my hope you can assist in gettin' my momma right again. Just to give you some idea on how desperate I've come to be, I had to do some awful things just to get this letter to you. You see, as I said I'm not a learned one, particularly when it comes to the reading and writings, however I happened upon a negro (upon our agreement I can't name who he belongs to) and he was reading the bible real secret like. Well, he saw me and that gave him an awful fright. He was fussin' and pleadin', beggin' me not to tell no one what he'd gone and been doin'. So I said I'd agree, on condition he'd write this here letter by dictation.

 

Sincerely,

          John William Henry Benjamin Adams Jr.

Comment by mellowpuma on September 21, 2011 at 12:20am

A Reader (20 miles away) Wrote:

Dear Dr. M. Yuma,

 

      I recently purchased a variety of beverages / chemical cleaning agents from the supermarket.  I accidentally placed a hardcore mildew remover in the refrigerator, on the shelf I normally reserve for tasty juice bottles.

 

Well, I just grabbed it & twisted off the trigger-spray cap & took a long, hard swallow before I realized what was going on.  I was really thirsty & not particularly concerned with my selection, but  now I've got a bellyful of super-concentrated toxicity & am succumbing to what I can only characterize as a "full biological shutdown". 

 

Please help, time is of the essence.  How's it goin', by the way?

 

-Poisoned In Poughkeepsie

-----------------------------

Dear Bleach Mojito is No Bueno Modelo:

First, don't induce vomiting.  Most mildew reducers contain bleach.  Don't Think about naked politicians.   Don't eat too many of any sort of doritos.  Call 911, and get your stomach pumped.  I've been doing good, but really wondering where my life is going.  It's like, you know, it seems like some people have it so easy, and I'm just shleeping for a bunch of unapreciative people who benefit off me, and thank me with a steady diet of condesention.   I just want to punch their faces, then get in a time machine, and watch myself punch their faces.  But I know management isn't easy, and kinder gentler people wouldn't be able to run a business, but still, I mean jesus, would their eyes catch fire if they said: good job, we've made quite a bit of money from what you've done for us, enjoy this cigar, because you've earned it, you magnificent son of a bitch! NO they need to assert some semblance of the superiority they feel, which is in no way substanciated by the "work" they do.  Which is ... big supprise, nothing.  They just "manage" aka harrass me and make my job more difficult, and make the funds which support their fat paychecks, come into the company at a greatly reduced pace. Oh, but they do so in just such a way that it makes them look like they were in charge of the process the whole time!  Ohh, whoopty do, I have an office, that means I am responsable for whatever good happens!  And if anything bad happens, well they didn't do any actual work, so it's impossible that any of that bad came from them.  So basically, they're paid to do nothing, so as not to attract responsibility. Jesus I wish I could get paid not to do my job, but apparently that's the new "great american dream" Am I right, or Am I right?  If you haven't heard an ambulance siren by now, you're probably going to die, so start writing a will.   Don't forget to snub the members of your family who invited you to their houses, only to ask prying questions and show you their oak furnature.  I'd will them your precious "old tin can, that they can jerk off into".  Really, have fun with it.

Comment by mellowpuma on September 20, 2011 at 8:10pm

Dr. M Puma,

 

Why does my bottom look like this:

 

 

 

Dear Bulbous Butt Bouncy:

Surely you toy with me sir.  Your bottom looks like that because you've been working out. PX-90 is not a weapon to be used for evil.  You were not given the opportunity to get ripped in just 90 days so you could galavant about town showing your naughty bits all around!  Your new supercharged metabolism is not an excuse to summon satan's rear end worshoping soldiers on the internet.  Take my advice, keep Mr. underpants on, and keep the lord in your heart. And ... who is it you should keep away from your other parts, could it be, Oh his name just escapes me right now, could it be ... Chuck M.,from Los Angeles, CA!

Comment by mellowpuma on September 19, 2011 at 9:00pm

A Reader Wrote:

Dr. M. Emmett Puma,

 

Kids with laser-pointers are all over the place.  They won't stop zapping those darned laser-pointers.  Every single one of them has one, & they're zapping constantly.

 

Everywhere I go, you got it, blammo, there's kids with laser-pointers zapping everything in sight.  I sleep under several blankets / comforters / trash bags to stay zap-proof when it's time to sleep, but I know they're still out there.

 

Please tell me what to do.  What is the world coming to, what with the Kids & all their laser-pointers?  I was even sitting down for a nice grilled cheese sandwich at my favorite grilled-cheese speciality restaurant, & the whole place turned crazy when laser-pointers started flash-flopping through the door.  I grabbed the nearest candle & waved it away, everyone was so thankful, they gave me the grilled cheese sandwich for half-price, but it's only a matter of time before it starts again.

 

-Anonymous

-------------------

Dear Indicating Devices Should Require Licences:

I have myself noted this particular vein of hooliganery running amok.  Amok I say!  I too, was standing on the collonade before a dinnery, awaing a public motorcoatch, when I spyed a duo of young scoflaws with such an indicating device.  I noted on the marquee, The finely scrolled letters  "Rocky Horror Picture Show: TONIGHT".  Cleary these ner-do-wells intended to inappropriately indicate things at this geological show of horror pictures.  Action needed to be taken, I painted these ill informed rakes a very "rocky" picture of horror ... of my own creation!  One, of angry transvestites, of amateur bit players wearing black lipstick and tattered clothing comingled with dust and decay!  Of the educational, yet cautionary geology film stopping, and their imminent "black listing" from polite society.  My portrait deepened, into a palmpsest of obsenity that would've made Mary Shelly AND her gentleman frend Percy receed into the liquors!  So handy was I in my profectic depticiton of deranged clown ushers, strong-arming these ill mannered buffons unto the performing area, for acts the like of which those guttersnipes had no understanding, that I started to believe the fib myself!  With my words, I was like the Puglists of old, barrister mustache and all! I informed them of their luck at having met me on that eve, and saw the embarasment well up in their mostly shaven skulls. Why Queen Victoria herself would've bestowed a medal upon me that minute, were it not for her untimely demise 104 hundred years before the date of this occurance!  I guffaw to myself a tad, when I reminisce upon the comedy of errors which was those dundering scofflaw's night on the town!

My advice to you, good sir and kindred reviler of unwanted indication, is to carry yourself with pomp!  Be dandy and dashing in your dealings with the young mal-adjust!  Why it's a rim spim spotty man about town who salves the woes of soceity, with a rim tim tibble top hat!

Comment by mellowpuma on September 19, 2011 at 4:34pm

Dear Dr. M. Puma,

 

I recently moved in with my girlfriend which is working out quite well. However, she has a FUCKING cat. So far this FUCKING cat has grabbed my eyelid with its talons, smashed me in the face so hard it left a paw print, run across my back, claws out, while I slept and spewed a meaty substance which i walked on spreading through the entire house. It wakes me up at 4:37am every morning for food which it doesn't eat and then ambushes me from under the couch as I walk back to bed. This, I am told is normal cat behaviour. So my question is if I was to feast on its succulent flesh would you go satay or more of a crispy skin with cashews?

--------------------------

Dear Kitty has Claws, and Mu Shoo Paws:

 If you love the girfriend, you love her anti-semetic mom also. An anti-you cat is no less the case.  If you're looking at regulating the cat's behavoir, then on days when it' doesnt attack you give it a treat.  On days when it does, no treat, and lock it outside the house. It's called clasic conditioning, your leverage is access to your girlfriend/it's whole universe, also treats.  The cat is exibiting classic attension seeking behavior, so, unless you are a dumass, you will pet it occasionally to diffuse it's fits of rage and insecurity driven early morning wakings.  Basically, it wants to know that things will still be good with the addition of a new element, which is you. As far as the 4:30 wakings, I recommend a spray bottle kept near the bed. Don't only spray it, chase it down and hunt it wherever it may go for a good ten minutes.  Then when you get home from work, give it a treat.  This is called ambigouos response to negative input.  It totally messes with their minds.   If none of that works, I recommend antifreaze in the water dish, and crocodile tears. That part is a joke ... or is it?

Comment by Joe Blow on September 18, 2011 at 3:23pm

Dear Dr. M. Puma,

 

I recently moved in with my girlfriend which is working out quite well. However, she has a FUCKING cat. So far this FUCKING cat has grabbed my eyelid with its talons, smashed me in the face so hard it left a paw print, run across my back, claws out, while I slept and spewed a meaty substance which i walked on spreading through the entire house. It wakes me up at 4:37am every morning for food which it doesn't eat and then ambushes me from under the couch as I walk back to bed. This, I am told is normal cat behaviour. So my question is if I was to feast on its succulent flesh would you go satay or more of a crispy skin with cashews?

Comment by mellowpuma on September 18, 2011 at 1:36pm

A Reader Wrote:
Dr. Puma,

 

They say "The pen is mightier than the sword."  So I went into a fight with a Bic and lost.  What should I use next time?

 

Lefty Leibowitz

----------------------------

Dear Prolific Hassidic who isn't  Krav Manga-rific:

 

I'm guessing you haven't seen that one jason borne movie where he totally messes a guy up with a pen. You do know that the jews have invented one of the most effective and practial forms of martial arts know to man? You should wikipedia that.

Back to the advice:

John Adams was an asshole.  Jefferson didn't like him, and I don't either.   the guy lived to be 91, do you really think he got in a lot of fights?  He was from massachusetts, need I say more?  (read: limp wristed liberal clam chowder eater).  Taking advice from that guy is probably the dumbest thing you've ever done.  Here's what you do, let them know  you're bringing a pen to a swordfight, then show them the invoice you wrote with  that pen for a bomb to be placed inside his wife's anus, and exploded if you do not return unscathed from this fight. Then you can wale away on his crying, terrified ass.  That's how you use a pen. The invoice doesn't even need to be real.  The pen is not mightier than the sword, lying to the uninformed (aka politics) however, is. Which is probably what john adams meant, but he is such a duche that he kept the real stuff to himself, like an asshole.

Comment by mellowpuma on September 18, 2011 at 1:10pm

A Reader Wrote:

Dear Dr. M. Puma,

   I am a young, white, strikingly attractive high school teacher who has recently been transferred to an inner city school, where young people (primarily minorities) are heavily involved in drug use and drug related gang violence. My unconventional teaching methods are beginning to show promise, however, I'm failing miserably on doing so without evoking mildly racist undertones.

In this regard, is there any advice on how I might proceed?

-----------------

Dear Ivory In Ebony With Closeted White Supremacy

This is a very difficult question, I climbed the mountain and consutled my guru  Chiun. Who is also, like yourself, quite racist.  I relayed to him your MTV moive award nominated tale of woe and hardship.  He thought for hours, then told me "one in the hand is worth two in the bush."   Knowing him, I'm sure he was refering to the natural habitat of the bushmen, the central african deserts.  Long ago, he taught me, that if you wish to manipulate people into achieveing your own selfish ends (in your case, higher test scores) you must first destroy their self esteem.  Therefore: (1) in the hand = (2) in the bush.  Or: (1/2) in the hand = (1) in the bush.  Clearly he meant for you to cut these children's self esteem in half, by transporting them to the African Sahara desert, and by testing their survival skills.   Those who do pass the "test of the desert" (one of his favorite deciple-thinning tactics) and come back, will be much more plyable to your instruction, and your average test score will increase dramatically.

But you didn't come here to ask the advice of Chiun, "assasin trainer to the emperor of the united states".  You asked for My help.   I'd say: learn to play the memphis blues!  Study up on blind blake, blind willie, blind lemon jefferson, blind boy fuller, blind willie johnson, blind willie mctell, blind mississippi morris, and don't forget blind joe reynolds.  Make them stray away from the gangster rap - drug music, and veer toward  god fearing - matricide sympathetic - sexual imagery laden music.   Before you try to teach them calculus, teach them about the duality of "the pain that devil woman done put in your heart, an the healin love she done bring".  Also, get a note from their parents beforehand which allows "possible minstrel show oriented activities".  I would avoid performing in blackface, but "blindface" might be a good idea.  Actually blinding yourself isn't required, but it would prove your commitment and advance your cause.   

Or you  could just do whatever that Battlestar Glalactica guy did in "stand and deliver".

Comment by Gerhardguffaw on September 17, 2011 at 1:29pm

Dr. Puma,

 

They say "The pen is mightier than the sword."  So I went into a fight with a Bic and lost.  What should I use next time?

 

Lefty Leibowitz

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