Comedy Whirled

What is the only thing more dangerous than washing down a quart of vodka with a gallon of gin? NOT doing that exact thing.


Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Amy Winehouse, VOICE of a TENTH of a generation and general pile of human mess, did not die as a result of the excesses of a lifestyle that made her biggest hit so ironic and adorable. She was MURDERED by SOBRIETY! CAPITAL LETTERS EXCLAMATION POINT!


According to “family sources” the shock to her body of not being pickled in delicious alcoholic beverages was just too much for it to bear, and after sucking every possible drop of life giving booze from every tissue in what was left of her musculature, her addled frame simply seized, unable to handle being separated from the only form of liquid inside it and tragically took the life of our precious, precious flower. To try to give you an example of what to compare this to, just imagine a car without oil, a Hybrid without hippie urine, or a Sheen not filled with Tigers,


You see, the family is saying that despite reports of Amy indulging in a 72 hour drink-a-thon prior to her “surprising” death, that the real reason for her demise is that she’s a stupid fuck. Their words, not mine. See she was supposedly instructed to gradually decrease her alcohol intake from “Norse Myth” levels to “Roman Orgy” levels and so on down the drunken scale, to carefully reduce the levels of fun in her body. And the woman that said “No, no, no.” to previous offers of assistance (according to FAMILY MEMBERS) told medical professionals that it’s all of nothing. She either never stops drinking or she never stops never drinking. And her family’s well reasoned hypothesis is that the sudden halt of personality swallows was too much of a shock to a self ravaged system.


And really, their “logic” is hard to argue. Alcohol is, after all, one of the essential building blocks of life. The human celebrity is composed of 62% alcohol, with the remaining 38% comprised of mainly amphetamines, opiates, cannabis and an over inflated sense of self worth and misguided feeling of invincibility. Exact amounts vary on a case by case basis. So asking a celebriwreck to abstain from alcoholic consumption, is tantamount to telling the Earth to go fuck it’s oceans. And then where would this fine planet of ours be? A shriveled, brown, husk of it’s former glory. Just like Amy Winehouse.


Satellite photograph of Mrs. Winehouse hours before her time of death...

Satellite photograph of Mrs. Winehouse hours before her time of death...

Now again, just to be perfectly clear, that’s not ME saying that; that’s “family sources”. I would never say such things, because I’m mostly not a lunatic. But I’m also not an alcohol doctor, so I don’t know, it may be entirely possible that suddenly stopping killing yourself could kill yourself. I’m not qualified to say one way or the other. The same way I’m not qualified to say that Amy Winehouse was a liquor fueled zombie who cruelly had her life source yanked away from her by “professionals” and “people who cared for her well being”, causing her to dry up like a neglected tin man, before falling over, shattering into a cloud of crusty, dehydrated slivers and being blown away on the breeze like a Spider-Man villain. That’s not for me to say, that’s for HER OWN FAMILY (according to a “source”) to say, which they have, in not so many words…


So what have we learned then from this brave, flimsy song drinker? Hmm? Well, we’ve learned that if you have flushed your system of all vital fluids and replaced them with 300 proof drinky fun times, apparently it’s better to quit gradually, allowing your body the opportunity to replenish your juices as the fermented happy liquids fighting the endless struggle of keeping you upright while simultaneously trying to knock you down, are being drained.


Secondly, if you have a family who in interview after interview kept telling who ever would ask them “It’s not a matter of if she’s going to die young and tragically, but when. If only there were something that I could do, because I apparently care ever so much, but alas, there isn’t.” and you expect them to have any sort of rational reaction to the “sudden” and ”unexpected” news of their relative passing, then you’re going to wind up with them blaming not being shot with bullets as the most likely cause of sudden acute deadness.


And third, and I think most importantly: as long as you keep drinking, you will never die. So pour me another glass of immortality juice and let’s party like if we ever stop it’ll kill us!

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Comment by Van Full of Candy on July 29, 2011 at 11:26am

It should scare the hell out of you, this is a cautionary tale, not just for the celebritied among us, but even the much more pointless and uninteresting.


If you're doing too much of something, the only thing keeping you alive is your continuing to over indulge. You've passed the point where any correction can be made and once you've pushed through the level where you should have been killed by your action, if you let up for even a second the whole damned thing will simply fly apart. All you can do is keep going harder and faster.


Yes, increased excess may kill you at some point but you'll never notice it, so your choices are death by fun, or death by second guessing fun. And I think the choice there is pretty clear.

Comment by JJJ23 on July 28, 2011 at 9:58pm
This scared the hell out of me. It's really funny though, great job.
Comment by mellowpuma on July 28, 2011 at 9:27pm

With a family like that, who needs enemies? I thought iconic celebrety artists were supposed to commit to a steady regiment of over indulgant behavior.  If they didn't, normal people wouldn't have the propper levels of self righteous judgement and/or distractions from their own faults, which makes the world go round.

Comment by Ian on July 28, 2011 at 8:34pm
I do recall seeing on the Discovery Channel one of those college-age drinking experiments and somewhere in there the host said that if severe alcoholics suddenly quit all intake they could die.  People close to a drinking celebrity/money-machine become paralyzed by greed, otherwise they'd risk more and intervene faster.  Why rock the boat if it's paying for my Porsche and my veneers?  Another glaring example of the short-sightedness of human nature.

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