A Summary of the Kavanaugh Hearing by a Victim of Fraternity Rush Week Roof to Pool Diving Circa 1983
so a bunch of nerd senators are going after kdog because of some weird female hysteria.
then it's like, ok, she seemed scared when she was talking to the nerds. boo hoo.
i'm sorry you were assaulted sexually, but, i believe your brain is not equal to the task of pointing at the person who did it. because, really, "senator" feinstein is the real villain here.
so kdog comes out with roundhouse kicks proving his impartiality and fitness to be an apolitical judge by dropping some alex jones-dog scieeence! that clinton political machine, i'm pretty sure it stopped me from getting a job at the halloween store last week, too.
then kdog erased all doubt about claims of sexual assault and battery, by shouting erratically about beer and weightlifting. what's cooler than drinking beer and weightlifting AND shouting at nerd senators? seriously, is this guy running for president next year? if so he's got my vote.
also, prep school quarterbacks in the 80's were known to have chaste lives of mild mannered calendar keeping. there are many many movies about it, remember that desk set in dead poet's society? he only associated with good catholic girls in high school. also, he wasn't able to get to parties because he didn't have a car. iron clad defense kdog. who doesn't remember the social blackballing that would result from giving a popular kid a ride to a party? (subject performs air guitar solo)
i think the best way to prove your innocence is to decline a polygraph, not ask anyone to independently investigate, and not bother your bros who might be able to testify. are we forgetting the landmark case of bros v hos? his bros would be legally unable to testify!
then the nerd senators are like, why don't you ask the FBI to ring up your bro, bro?. but kdog was too smart and started talking about how good he did in school, and being a varsity b ball captain legend. then their time was up. high five bro, run down the clock again and again! then gharham-dog swooped in and reminded us all that "senator" feinstein was an evil democrat. nooooooice save gdog!
so then the nerd senators try to say he drank so much that he might have done things without knowing about it. nerds. that didn't phase kdog though, he just perjured himself and said the drinking age was 18 when he was a senior. the nerds didn't even look it up! another kdog touchdown! in your face nerds!
then nerd senators were on about how mikedog (wingman of kdog) wrote a fantastical book where a fictional imaginary character "bart o'kavanaugh" was blackout drunk all the time. and they were on about how kdog wrote his own yearbook caption where it seems like he is blackout drunk all the time, and porked all the honeys. isn't that what yearbook captions are for!!??!!
here's the thing though ... nerds don't know cool guy words! so, boofing is farting, netata is a cool girl everyone on the football team deeply deeply respected, the devil's triangle is a kind of beer pong, and the ffffourth of july is because squi-dog had a stutter
(subject performs a second air guitar solo)
one thing swayed me toward kdog's argument more than any other. it was the way kdog answered entirely other, more convenient, questions, rather than the questions the evil democrats asked him.
also, i was impressed that kdog didn't have to talk for 45 minutes while it was determined that "senator" feinstein should be locked up for withholding her emails.
the real takeaway from this whole thing, for me, is that we should take away women's email privileges after age 45.
in conclusion, here's the real real on kdog. he didn't do it. and if he did, it was a long long time ago. also, women have lesser souls and weaker brains, so she should be able to forget about it, no problem.
am i right?