Ho, Ho, Fuckin' Ho, Santa Claus here...
It's that time of the year again when I become the most important person on the planet. Yeah, Santa Claus, the man who's going to bring joy and presents to all the little boys and girls....and even the grown-ups.
Well, not this year!!! Every damn year I work my sad sack ass to shreads so I can make everybody happy on Christmas morn. But, where's my love? What do I get for pulling off the most miraculous one night job in the history of the universe?
I get fuckin' shit!!!!!!!!! Did you ever think that I might be getting a little tired of milk and cookies? The whole night I'm shittin' cookie crumbs and projectile vomiting curdled milk. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Just once I would like to see a lobster dinner and some wine. Or a nice steak and baked potato. But, no, I get the mother fuckin' cheap ass cookies that even the dog wouldn't eat! And what's up with the milk? I'm lactose intolerant!!!!
Why can't a mommy or two be waiting for me spread eagled? Hey, I have time.
Put out some cocaine and bongs. That would give me more energy and the munchies.
Just for once think of poor ol' St. Nick.
But, wait, there's more. After my night of delivering gifts, I end up in Intensive Care for several weeks. But, again, does anybody care? No. You just go on with your lives as if nothing happened.
When I finally get out of the hospital, then it's back to Mrs. Claus. That bitch treats me like crap. It's..."Santa, shovel the sidewalk"..."Santa, take out the trash"..."Not tonight, Santa, I have a headache." That woman has had a headache since the Truman Administration.
I've had it! No more Mr. Nice Santa. You've pushed me to the limit. Go get your own fuckin' toys this year. Go sit on some other lap and ask for the impossible. Go buy shitty cookies and outdated milk and see if some sap partakes. You won't have Kris Kringle to kick around.....ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!
In conclusion, I wasn't the jolly guy in the red suit who made all your wishes come true. I just applied for a job that promised me great hours, excellent benefits, dental and paid vacation. Man, was I suckered.
I now bid you adieu, because Santa Claus ain't coming to town.