Presidents who were also dog accessories:
John Frisbee Adams,
John Henry Harnesson,
Uleashies S. Grant,
Warren G. Earclense,
William Muzzle Taft,
John F. Kenneldy,
Less popular but still on the menu:
Rejected Kidney Pie,
Grandma's Might not be Raisin Pie,
Mile High Club Hair Pie,
Blue Berries Iced Crotch Pie,
Triple Thick Pukin Pie,
Muddy Skidmark Pie,
Lugey Coconut Buttermilk Pie,
Coco Nuts Scream Pie,
Rhubarb and Gizzard Turnovers,
Chocolate Custurd Pie,
Best film: Beasts of the Southern Malls.
Best Foreign Film: Ablaham Rincorn.
Best Actress: Kathy Lee Gifford.
Best Actor: Jerry Lee Day-Lewis.
Best remake based on old TV series: Mucus Welby.
Best Animal Act: Tigger Coaching Tiny Dragons.
Best Makeup: Joan Rivers.
Best Costume: That Quarterback's Girlfriend in Sports Illustrated.
Best Lighting EVER: LQC.
Best Independent Film: Barking Otter.
Sleep til noon.
Laugh about my goofie dream. Laugh some more.
Let dog out to pee.
Let dog in.
Curse the empty milk carton.…Continue
SKYSUMMER, The Prequel.
Lincoln Logs, the Colonoscopy.
Se7en Psycho Pathways.
The Porks of Being a Cornflower.
Clyde the Camel Park in Branson.
The Bobbit: Remastered.
The Last One-night Stand.
Before you leave the house to vote, remember to bring the following:
A good eraser.
A sharpie, to use later on your neighbor's campaign signs.
A dozen eggs. (Use later)
Toilet paper (for those of you who still have trees, that is, neighbors with trees).
A spare can of gasoline.
Condoms. (Hey, the line could be reeeeally long.)
Not just a photo I D, hell, bring your whole family album. Those workers get bored. They'd love a…
Wet popcorn balls.
Floating Baby Ruths are not Baby Ruths.
Getting to the next house.
Mom won't let you use the flashlight. Mom's special flashlight. The one that hums.
The man in 6B always flashes you for "the treat."
You can't swim.
Roaches can swim.
After eating your treats, mom makes you wait thirty minutes before going out to play.
Bobbing for plums in the hot tub.
Pass the hair.
Guess what’s dripping in the box.
Guess what’s that smell?
Chutes and body bags.
Trivial pursuit of another victim.
Tag, you’re next.
Hide and try not to whimper.
Guess the pizza ingredients.
Pretend you’re pregnant.
Pretend you’re birthing a baby.
Pretend you’re Quasimoto.
Tie it to your foot and walk awkwardly.
Use guts of it to pretend you’re puking.
Decent catapult ammo.
Use for an “other world” globe.
Drop from tall buildings and let gravity make sidewalk art.
Experiment with electricity.
Makes a good punch bowl.
Makes a bad aquarium.
Blueberry Pop-tart with a Third Eye.
ET with VD.
Hello, Rabid Kitty.
My Little Pirannah.
His own, on the backs of Nike checks.
Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Dopey at Disneyworld.
No longer Bicycle Spokesman. Now Spokes man at Arnold's Bike repair shop.
Cancer. Still has endorsement from Scorpio and two attaboys from Saggitarius.
Now only touring Franks & Buns.
The Dirty Midget.
Atop the Comedy Whirled Blimp.
Big Mama's Ass.
A deep vat of Jello.
The Hershey factory.
Three Mile Island.
Ben & Jerry's.
Miley's sex tape #2.
The Serta factory.
Budweiser's #43 vat.
The set of Cupcake Wars.
Pinworms from Heaven,
Stingin’ in the Rain,
Somewhere Over the Tebow,
If I Were a Bitch, Man,
The Sound of Muzak,
Puttin’ on the Rinse,
Stink the Bismark,
Xavior Cugat LPs.
Ricky Ricardo's first Bongo.
Tommy Chong's first bong.
Charo's cha-cha chart.
Barnacle laden miniature drink umbrellas.
The second shooter from the grassy knoll.
Dad's bar tab from when he was an MP.
65 Sting ray. That's right. 65 of them, swimmin around like a sea of rubbermaid mats.
To kill the cat.
To establish an upload feed for ESPN.
To further define string theory, the rover will be clipping samples of martian string.
To find cool stuff.
Look for love in all the wrong places.
Had to go. Received Martian transmission which translated to "Red Rover, Red Rover, let Curiosity come over."
Checking out possible locations for 7-11s and Sonics.
To establish the first martian NBA team.
Find me some Martian…Continue
Run, Run, Run.
Pee, sniff pee.
RUN, RUN FAST!!
Howl at moon.
In Sante Fe it was 57 at night. Now I'm in Oklahoma and it's 105 ALL NEXT WEEK! So, I've had to improvise:
Go to Dollar movie every day. You're not there to watch. You're there to survive.
Sit the mall.
Libraries aren't just for books.
Take your pet to Petsmart in the afternoon. If approached say, "She's just looking."
Get a Big Gulp. Take it home and nest it between your legs.
Go into Braums. Get a twist cone and lick it real slow. Then go to…Continue
Montezuma's Castle Revenge,
De Vargas Veins,
Lincoln Blinkin' Nodding-off,
Paseo de Paralysis,
St. Elmo's Heartburn,
Novaya Heimlich Effect,
Super Cell Anemia,