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KariGrant's Blog (156)

New Releases in spite of the Flu Season:

 “A Good Day to Cough Hard”

“Bless Me, I Sneezed”

“Choker”

The “Kai po che!” sequel, “Gesundheit”

“Sinuser”

“Game of Throw-up”

“Warm Foreheads”

“Beyond the Pills”

“Squirts Wonderstones”

“The Cruds”

Added by KariGrant on February 21, 2013 at 4:40pm — 11 Comments

Presidents who were also dog accessories:

Presidents who were also dog accessories:

John Frisbee Adams,

John Henry Harnesson,

Uleashies S. Grant,

James Bandanan,

Warren G. Earclense,

William Muzzle Taft,

Zachary Collar,

Theodoggydoor Roosevelt,

John F. Kenneldy,

George Brush,

Added by KariGrant on February 18, 2013 at 12:21pm — 21 Comments

Celebrate National Pie Day

Less popular but still on the menu:

Rejected Kidney Pie,

Grandma's Might not be Raisin Pie,

Mile High Club Hair Pie,

Blue Berries Iced Crotch Pie,

Triple Thick Pukin Pie,

Muddy Skidmark Pie,

Lugey Coconut Buttermilk Pie,

Coco Nuts Scream Pie,

Rhubarb and Gizzard Turnovers,

Chocolate Custurd Pie,

 

 

 

 

 

Added by KariGrant on January 23, 2013 at 3:22pm — 9 Comments

Nearly Nominated for Oscars

Best film: Beasts of the Southern Malls.

Best Foreign Film: Ablaham Rincorn.

Best Actress: Kathy Lee Gifford.

Best Actor: Jerry Lee Day-Lewis.

Best remake based on old TV series: Mucus Welby.

Best Animal Act: Tigger Coaching Tiny Dragons.

Best Makeup: Joan Rivers.

Best Costume: That Quarterback's Girlfriend in Sports Illustrated.

Best Lighting EVER: LQC.

Best Independent Film: Barking Otter.

Added by KariGrant on January 12, 2013 at 9:58pm — 14 Comments

To Do and Done Today

Sleep til noon.

Pee.

Laugh about my goofie dream. Laugh some more.

Let dog out to pee.

Let dog in.

Curse the empty milk carton.…

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Added by KariGrant on November 11, 2012 at 12:30pm — 4 Comments

Now Showing Obscure Movie Titles

SKYSUMMER, The Prequel.

Lincoln Logs, the Colonoscopy.

Se7en Psycho Pathways.

The Porks of Being a Cornflower.

Kitchcock.

Clyde the Camel Park in Branson.

The Bobbit: Remastered.

The Last One-night Stand.

Grampbit.

Argo Cornstarch.

 

 

Added by KariGrant on November 9, 2012 at 2:37pm — 33 Comments

Voting checklist

Before you leave the house to vote, remember to bring the following:

A good eraser.

A sharpie, to use later on your neighbor's campaign signs.

A dozen eggs. (Use later)

Toilet paper (for those of you who still have trees, that is, neighbors with trees).

A spare can of gasoline.

Jumper cables.

Condoms. (Hey, the line could be reeeeally long.)

Leftover pizza.

Not just a photo I D, hell, bring your whole family album. Those workers get bored. They'd love a…

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Added by KariGrant on November 5, 2012 at 5:29pm — 6 Comments

What Sucks about Trick or Treating in the Big Apple

Wet popcorn balls.

Floating Baby Ruths are not Baby Ruths.

Getting to the next house.

Dodging debris.

Mom won't let you use the flashlight. Mom's special flashlight. The one that hums.

The man in 6B always flashes you for "the treat."

You can't swim.

Roaches can swim.

After eating your treats, mom makes you wait thirty minutes before going out to play.

Mandatory evacuation.

Added by KariGrant on October 29, 2012 at 9:30am — 20 Comments

Games for Halloween Parties:

Bobbing for plums in the hot tub.

Pass the hair.

Guess what’s dripping in the box.

Guess what’s that smell?

Decomposing music.

Chutes and body bags.

Trivial pursuit of another victim.

Tag, you’re next.

Hide and try not to whimper.

Guess the pizza ingredients.

Added by KariGrant on October 25, 2012 at 12:50pm — 18 Comments

Things you can do with a pumpkin:

Pretend you’re pregnant.

Pretend you’re birthing a baby.

Pretend you’re Quasimoto.

Tie it to your foot and walk awkwardly.

Use guts of it to pretend you’re puking.

Decent catapult ammo.

Use for an “other world” globe.

Drop from tall buildings and let gravity make sidewalk art.

Experiment with electricity.

Makes a good punch bowl.

Makes a bad aquarium.

Added by KariGrant on October 23, 2012 at 7:59am — 10 Comments

Less Popular Halloween Costumes

Blueberry Pop-tart with a Third Eye.

Gingivitis.

ET with VD.

Count Crackulahead.

Hello, Rabid Kitty.

Tweety Turd.

Super-pimple.

Raggedy Yam.

My Little Pirannah.

Frankenbenstein.

Added by KariGrant on October 21, 2012 at 7:47pm — 21 Comments

Other endorsements Lance lost

His own, on the backs of Nike checks.

Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Dopey at Disneyworld.

No longer Bicycle Spokesman. Now Spokes man at Arnold's Bike repair shop.

Chuck Norris.

Cancer. Still has endorsement from Scorpio and two attaboys from Saggitarius.

Michelin.

Air.

Now only touring Franks & Buns.

Lindsey Lohan.

The Dirty Midget.

 

Added by KariGrant on October 17, 2012 at 11:03pm — 11 Comments

Felix Baumgartner Record-Setting Jump's alternate landing sites

Atop the Comedy Whirled Blimp.

Big Mama's Ass.

A deep vat of Jello.

The Hershey factory.

Three Mile Island.

Ben & Jerry's.

Miley's sex tape #2.

The Serta factory.

Budweiser's #43 vat.

The set of Cupcake Wars.

Added by KariGrant on October 14, 2012 at 2:58pm — 33 Comments

Rejected Music for Films:

Pinworms from Heaven,

Stingin’ in the Rain,

Somewhere Over the Tebow,

If I Were a Bitch, Man, 

The Sound of Muzak,

Puttin’ on the Rinse,

Stink the Bismark,

Manshattan,

Stormy Tether,

Porn Free,

Added by KariGrant on October 4, 2012 at 9:47am — 17 Comments

Things October Doesn't Celebrate

October Fist.

October Fistula.

October Vest.

October Faust.

October Foot.

October Floyd.

October Fuse.

October Noodle.

October Fracking.

October Zoning.

Added by KariGrant on October 2, 2012 at 7:02pm — 12 Comments

Things found near the sunken pyramids off the coast of Cuba

Xavior Cugat LPs.

Ricky Ricardo's first Bongo.

Tommy Chong's first bong.

Charo's cha-cha chart.

Barnacle laden miniature drink umbrellas.

Jimmy Hoffa.

The second shooter from the grassy knoll.

Pre-Columbian cigars.

Dad's bar tab from when he was an MP.

65 Sting ray. That's right. 65 of them, swimmin around like a sea of rubbermaid mats.

 

 

 

Added by KariGrant on September 28, 2012 at 1:30pm — 20 Comments

Reasons for Curiosity to land on Mars

To kill the cat.

To establish an upload feed for ESPN.

To further define string theory, the rover will be clipping samples of martian string.

To find cool stuff.

Look for love in all the wrong places.

Had to go. Received Martian transmission which translated to "Red Rover, Red Rover, let Curiosity come over." 

Checking out possible locations for 7-11s and Sonics.

To establish the first martian NBA team.

Find me some Martian…

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Added by KariGrant on August 5, 2012 at 9:34pm — 23 Comments

Dog Dreams

Run, Run, Run.

Bones.

Pee, sniff pee.

BIG BONE!

Butts.

RUN, RUN FAST!!

Belly rubs.

Perimeter Check.

Bones.

Howl at moon.

 

Added by KariGrant on July 31, 2012 at 11:44am — 16 Comments

Things to do when it's too friggin' hot:

In Sante Fe it was 57 at night. Now I'm in Oklahoma and it's 105 ALL NEXT WEEK! So, I've had to improvise:

Go to Dollar movie every day. You're not there to watch. You're there to survive.  

Sit the mall.

Libraries aren't just for books.

Take your pet to Petsmart in the afternoon. If approached say, "She's just looking."

Get a Big Gulp. Take it home and nest it between your legs.  

Go into Braums. Get a twist cone and lick it real slow. Then go to…

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Added by KariGrant on July 29, 2012 at 6:51am — 22 Comments

Sante Fe Illnesses

Guada Loopie,

Assissickness,

Montezuma's Castle Revenge,

Puebloat,

Kocaspelli,

De Vargas Veins,

Contemporary Farts,

Lincoln Blinkin' Nodding-off,

Paseo de Paralysis,

Heart Aztec,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Added by KariGrant on July 26, 2012 at 3:53pm — 18 Comments

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