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KariGrant's Blog – May 2012 Archive (16)

Reasons why giant sugary drinks may be banned in NYC

Giant, sugar-crazed cockroaches.

Giant, sugar-crazed rats.

Giant, sugar-crazed mobsters.

Giant, sugar-crazed housewives of Jersey Shores shopping.

Giant, sugar-crazed nudists.

Giant, sugar-crazed Methodists.

Giant, sugar-crazed Jews for Jesus.

Giant, sugar-crazed Vegans.

Giant, sugar-crazed toddlers.

Giant, sugar-crazed Yankees.

 

Added by KariGrant on May 31, 2012 at 6:49am — 6 Comments

Things That Are Arranged

Marriages,

Flowers,

Furniture,

Body parts,

Bug collections,

Plastic Army men,

Payments to the court,

Hostage exchanges,

Funerals,

Transportation to Mars,

Added by KariGrant on May 31, 2012 at 6:36am — 9 Comments

Things That Need [an] Iron(s)

Poor blood,

A golf ball,

Starched shirts,

Pancakes,

Pig molds,  

Jeremy,

Welders,

Boilermakers,

Unidentified cattle,

Blacksmiths,

 

 

Added by KariGrant on May 29, 2012 at 12:00pm — 21 Comments

Other Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds

Flowers make you open a run-down hotel in India.

Plants cause your alcoholic mother to show up at the science fair.

They take over your okra bed.

Spent blossoms turns earthworms orange.

They develop killer gams.

Turns Man-in-the-moon gay.

When worn around the neck, blossoms cause old people to move into the rundown hotel.

Pollin turns aspirin into Viagra.

Makes butlers expose money laundering records.

You wheeze more.

Added by KariGrant on May 27, 2012 at 8:33pm — 16 Comments

Yard Stars and/or Scientists or Writers

Lawn Cheney,

Humphrey Bogyard,

Patio’Brien,

Louis Pasture,

Irving Lawnmuir,

Edwin H Land,

Christopher Field,

Lawnie Anderson,

Eva Lawngoria,

Rudyard Kipling,

Added by KariGrant on May 25, 2012 at 9:19pm — 60 Comments

Places the Amazing Race probably won’t ever visit:

Island of Dr. Moreau

Valley of the Dolls

LaBrea Ishtar Pits

The Mayo Clinique counter

The Forbidden Titties City

The Moulin Rude

The Chaz Mahal

Dracula’s Condo

Palm Sunday Islands

Great Wall of Fiestaware

Added by KariGrant on May 24, 2012 at 8:15pm — 22 Comments

Secrets of Cuba’s Boxing Success

They have better cardboard.

They use strong strapping Tape.

Tight fitting lids.

Tropical climate is good for the Styrofoam peanut plantations.

Bountiful Bubble Wrap.

Tissue Paper made from old revolution handbills.

Employees are allowed to work in Boxer shorts.

Easy to read labels.

No weight limit makes it easy to ship your loved ones.

Burp seals.

Added by KariGrant on May 24, 2012 at 7:49pm — 8 Comments

Other Things Brides Can Carry

Sometimes you can make bouquets out of other things, like...

Froglegs,

Pepperolies,

Skewered Shrews,

Flowerettes made of Viagra,

Fireman’s Axes,

Fig Newtons,

Glow sticks,

Bucket o’ Buds,

Night Crawlers,

Laytex Gloves,

Added by KariGrant on May 20, 2012 at 3:13pm — 19 Comments

New Summer Olympic Sports

Hadron Super-colliding,

Bunker Archery,

Goodminton,

Noseball,

Gymnasties,

Kayaking of the Dead,

Helena Boxing,

Basketball Weaving,

Synchronized War,

Table Fencing,

Racket Tiering,

Added by KariGrant on May 20, 2012 at 2:59pm — 27 Comments

BREAKING NASA NEWS

BREAKING NEWS (source in small part: http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/news/news.cfm?release=2012-138)

(NASA announced a recent survey has counted approximately 4,700+/-1500 Potentially Hazardous Asteroids hurling at or near the Earth. “The new results come from the asteroid-hunting portion of the WISE mission, called NEOWISE. The project sampled 107 PHAs to make predictions about the entire population as a…

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Added by KariGrant on May 18, 2012 at 8:00pm — 6 Comments

Less Effective Laundry Additives:

I can’t in good conscience recommend these:

 

Clothes pins,

Starches and other Carbs,

Yo-yos,

Spray-and-stink,

Recycled Mojitos,

Garden Gnomes,

Draft,

Goreox,

Oxycontin,

Turds and/or Gummy Bears,

Added by KariGrant on May 17, 2012 at 12:01pm — 13 Comments

Surprising possible new Slurpee Flavors

Splenda flavors for summer include:

Splenda in the grass,

Dingle and Rawberry,

Busted Cherry Whine,

Candygram for Mango,

Tinkle Time,

Weiner Whip,

Sugar-Free Pizza,

Nipple-Free Melons,

Melon-Collie,

Lemon-zest Toffee,

Added by KariGrant on May 14, 2012 at 10:00am — 29 Comments

Possible reasons for Colony Collapse:

The Pilgrims were not very good carpenters.

Too many Witches; not enough Hazel.

Many of the Pilgrims caught the Colony Clap.

John Wayne was born too late to tell them, even though he wanted to.

There were thirteen colonies. Thirteen is an unlucky number. Perhaps if they had stopped at twelve…

Really? It’s about bees?? Sorry. My bad.

You can only take so many orders from a Queen.

Two possibilities: Killer Bees and Killer Tomatoes.

Eull…

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Added by KariGrant on May 12, 2012 at 1:50pm — 28 Comments

More Yard Stuff

Lawn Sphincter,

Turd Bath,

Cedar of Sianai Raised Flower Bed,

Wooden Pot Bench, dude.

Utility Carts (Utility deposite extra),

Gas Grills,

Fartless Grills,

Chiachimanea,

Daddy-o Furniture,

Lawn Moaner,

 

Added by KariGrant on May 10, 2012 at 2:30pm — 14 Comments

Breaking news in North Carolina

Recent studies have indicated possible reasons why the "Lost Colony" got lost:

They used mapquest.

Their map was drawn with invisible ink.

Their GPS batteries went down.

Ironically, the Roanoke settlers didn't know how to row.

The Spanish kept them up too late at night playing the "Macarena."

They killed the guy in the crow's nest 'cause he kept yelling, "Recalculating."

The Captain retired and moved to Florida.

They demanded their own…

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Added by KariGrant on May 7, 2012 at 4:30am — 16 Comments

Sale Items at the Pet Supply Store

Advanced Ticks for Dogs, Cats and certain Lizards,

Kibbles & Shits,

Salpo (Available in California only),

99 44/100% Pure-ina,

Royal Canaan Dog Food (with free sample pack of Gaza Strips inside!),

Dent-a-car Bisquits,

Puppy Chow Mein,

Bile-Jac Dry Heave Dog Food,

Tartar Contrail Bisquits,

Martha Sewer Recycled Pet Toys,

Added by KariGrant on May 1, 2012 at 2:00pm — 20 Comments

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