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KariGrant's Blog (155)

Reasons I didn’t get any Valentines:

Already got a few “VD” greetings last month.

Got a ticket for speed dating on The Bachelor.

I mean watching The Bachelor.

Did a “Belly Flop” in the car pool.

Friends don’t let friends Skype drunk.

Didn’t give any put out.

Added by KariGrant on February 16, 2016 at 9:01pm — 4 Comments

Armchair Superbowl Terms

Eyes Chess Goeszeer.

Dannin Front.

Forward Pass Gas.

Battime dePeetza gotteer.

Airsa Gottam Remote?

Bautautta Beer.

Ayydats Natchocheez HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahadam.

F'ur gunnapuke goout.

Need Smore Dreetos.

Sbuds FrU.

Can't bleefwe losss. Better call Saul, er Uber, er smshit like at.

Added by KariGrant on February 7, 2016 at 10:30am — No Comments

Sequelmania

Sequelmania continues in Tinseltown with Groundhog Day meets Starwars in Starwars VIII, “Awaken, hit the snooze. Awaken, hit the snooze.  Awaken, hit the snooze…”

Everyone’s got Star Wars fever, since the long awaited movie’s coming out. Even TV and Cable has gotten Star Wars fever. I saw where Jeff Foxworthy has a new game show out called, “Are you smarter than a Darth Vader.”

The Porn version of Ridealong is out now, called “Ride a Long Hard One.”

Beverly Hills Cop 4,…

Continue

Added by KariGrant on February 4, 2016 at 12:00pm — 33 Comments

More Stuff Found After Dr. Seuss Died.

Channeled poem from beyond the grave:

"I do not like it in this box.

I do not like it, without locks.

I do not like the big backhoe.

I do not like him. Make him go."

Things he was writing when he died...not sure which was the last thing he penned...

"My hearing went when I went to hear The Who."

"I have something stuck in my Lorax."

"One fish, two fish. Red fish, blue lips."

Added by KariGrant on December 4, 2015 at 9:10am — 3 Comments

Ways to show your solidarity with France

Eat more:

French Fries, French Bread, French Onion Soup, Croutons.

Put in a French Drain

Install French Doors

French Kiss

Use French Ticklers,

Can-Can through the office,

Drive a Citroën

Get a French Manicure

Added by KariGrant on November 16, 2015 at 9:30am — 6 Comments

OTHER HOUSES

House of Kurds, House of Curds, House of Cads, House of Cruds, International House of Pan Cards, House of Hallmark Cards, House of Cards with Flowers in the Attic, Last House of Cards on the Left, Hill House of Cards, How’s My Driving?

Added by KariGrant on March 24, 2015 at 3:37pm — 10 Comments

Animal Body Parts Not Talked About In School

Platypussy,

Platymelts,

Mountain-cloisters,

Scrodumbs,

Geezerds,

Sphynxters (old school),

Tequilla’s Heel,

Yam String,

Outtestines,

Appendicks,

Fullopium Tubes,

Tent-tickles,

Added by KariGrant on March 9, 2015 at 8:54am — 6 Comments

March Days to Celebrate

St. Fatty’s Day, The Eyes of March, March Hair Loss Day, Clams on the Half-Assed Drunk Day, Crochet your Crotch Day, Peanut Butter Liver Day, Seuss Sweeps Week, Borderline Personalitied Collies Day, Nuzzle with a Buzzard Day, Quilted Noreastern A Comin In Day, I Have A Hairy Hoohadini Day,

Added by KariGrant on March 3, 2015 at 7:18pm — 2 Comments

Police Academy Award Nominations:

"D.C. Sniper" “Jail Birdman” “Juvies in the Hood" "The Grand Larceny Hotel" "The Incarceration Game" “Into the Paddy Wagon” “Tell It To The Judge” “Perpcatcher” “Fifty Shades of Whiplashes” “InterCell” "Mr. Taser"

Added by KariGrant on February 24, 2015 at 1:49pm — 5 Comments

2015 Oscar Rejects

Oscar Rejects for 2015:

Long awaited sequel to OUTBREAK starring Jodie Foster and Oprah: SELMANELLA.

Sandusky tell-all: THE INITIATION GAME.

BIRDHOOD.

GRANDADDY LONGLEGS PEST HOTEL.

THE THEORY OF WHIPLASH.

Reese Witherspoon and Rosamund Pike in GONE GIRLS GONE WILD.

Long awaited sequel to Weekend At Bernies II: TWO DAYS, ONE NIGHT AT BERNIES.

CROTCHCATCHER.

Bill Cozby in HERE COME THE JUDGE.

BARMITZFAHOOD

Added by KariGrant on February 22, 2015 at 3:30pm — 30 Comments

Book Festivals

Harem Book Fair,

Baltic-Timor Book Festival and Throat Singers Conference,

Fall Over a Used Book Fair,

National Festivus Book Grievance Campaign Washington, DC,

New York Is Country Book and Boot Festival,

Southern Festival of Butter Books,

Nutella Festival of Reading While You Eat,

Texas Book ‘em at the Border Sale,

Sarasota Horse & Reading Festival,

Miami Book and Jewlarry Fair,

Added by KariGrant on July 31, 2014 at 3:22pm — 17 Comments

Acts Which Were Not on America’s Got Talent:

Rear ending parked cars. 

Virgin Sacrifices to Virgin Airlines (unauthorized).

Tag Team Naugahyde Fabric Repair.

Consumer Credit Mockers.

Evidence Swallowing.

Ghaza Strippers.

Group Women’s Bench Press, starting with five on the Supreme Court Bench.

Executive  Dinner Decisions.

Yoga Milking.

Power Pointing.

Added by KariGrant on July 8, 2014 at 8:06pm — 5 Comments

Reasons the Styx & Foreigners' Tour Buses burst into flames

They were trying to kill ants with a magnifying glass.

Too many damn Foreigners.

Somebody rubbed two Styx together.

They was a'smokin' in bed.

Two words: Hot Licks.

Too many pocket rockets.

Both bands were "lit."

Their bifocals ignited the crossword puzzle book.

Hot chicks on board.

They were Hot Blooded.

Added by KariGrant on July 2, 2014 at 9:05pm — 8 Comments

Fireworks for 2014

Illegal Immigrant Chaser, Shrinking Ukraine, Auntie Em-80s, Pinworm Wheels,  Pocket Rocket,  GM Airbag o’sparkles,  Whistling Dictator,  Tampon Trailers, Ambulance Chasers, Syrian Lysteria, Sterling Shower of Insults, 

Added by KariGrant on June 29, 2014 at 4:59am — 15 Comments

Things on sale at Earth Day Sales:

Rocky Road Ice Cream,
Road Construction Signs,
Dirt,
Clay Aiken CDs,
Dusty Springfield Posters,
Toxic Avenger DVDs,
Earthenware Bowls,
Earth Shoes,
New Jersey,
Souvenir Vials of Toxic Contaminated Soil,

Added by KariGrant on April 29, 2014 at 5:18pm — 9 Comments

Less Popular Ark Guests:

2 Ring Worms,

Camel Spiders,

Porcupines,

Ferrets,

Hairless Cats,…

Continue

Added by KariGrant on March 25, 2014 at 9:33pm — 14 Comments

Health Risks Associated with Drinking Too Much Green Beer:

Lime Disease, Olivarian Cancer, Hemeraldoids, Kelly Stones, Springing in the ear, Forestperatory Infection, Chartreuse Fatigue Syndrome, Trichomomoss, Viridicella, Hooker’s STDs, O’Besity,

Added by KariGrant on March 17, 2014 at 9:56am — 4 Comments

Cheesy Recent Releases:

300: Rise of a Gruyere,

Mr. Briebody and Parmesan,

Non-Bond-Ost,

The Lasiago Movie,

Son of Gouda,

The Grand Bel Paese Hotel,

Cheddarowsky’s Dune,

Philomena Cream Cheese,

Blue Cheese Jasmine,

August: Asiago County,

Added by KariGrant on March 9, 2014 at 6:30pm — 7 Comments

Alzheimer's Report

Study finds Alzheimer's more deadly than first. I think I have a hair appointment Tuesday. I better check the paper. Says Study finds ALzheimers. That's good. I have to get a permanent. Let me see that calendar. What's a four letter word for sex party? Where are my tweezers? Somebody said a Mr. Al Zimer died. Did I know him? How am I gonna' get to the beauty shop. I already got my perm? Are you my husband? Can I see that paper? I need to get my hair done.

Added by KariGrant on March 6, 2014 at 10:28am — 3 Comments

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