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Van Full of Candy's Blog – July 2011 Archive (10)

Van Full of Candy traded to Jacksonville


Apparently, an actual team...

Apparently, an actual team...

 

With the NFL lockout finally coming to an end this week,…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 29, 2011 at 4:10pm — No Comments

Amy Winehouse: Sobered to Death!

What is the only thing more dangerous than washing down a quart of vodka with a gallon of gin? NOT doing that exact thing.

 

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Amy Winehouse, VOICE of a TENTH of a generation and general pile of human mess,…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 28, 2011 at 2:25pm — 4 Comments

4 Foot Vajayjay On Marilyn Monroe Sculpture (Porno Edition)

All I need is a ladder and I can get my carkeys.

So this weekend was big for the former actress known as Marilyn Monroe. Not only did the classy city of Chicago erect a 27 foot "upskirt" statue of Marilyn in…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 25, 2011 at 3:43pm — 1 Comment

Burn Baby, Burn! (Hitler Inferno)

Human beings have kind of a sick obsession with dead bodies.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a monster, I get that the rapidly decaying, lifeless corpse over there used to belong to someone you had some fondness for. But at no point forward will that bio degrading fleshy mound of used ta was, ever do anything again that it used to do when previously possessed by the life force of who ever they aren’t anymore. Tickle it all you’d like, it ain’t never gonna giggle that unmistakable…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 21, 2011 at 3:46pm — 2 Comments

Yeah! Rub Your Pie All Up In My Face, Mmmmm !!

 

During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the "news" on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping'ness. I realized that a good ol' "pie in the face" has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting "pied" is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine enemies.…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 20, 2011 at 3:23pm — No Comments

Run Nessie! They Done Shot Chupie!

There are so many unknowns in this world. So many things that live with us every day, unseen, thought lost or having not even yet been discovered by man. The great mysteries of the world we live in intrigue us every day, push explorers toward the outer reaches of our understanding and beyond. What is it about these great, elusive creatures that sparks the imagination, drives the soul and compels us to shoot them in the fucking face?

 

El Chupacabra is dead, long live El…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 19, 2011 at 4:24pm — 2 Comments

Better Get Your 'Gaydar' Fixed !!

A heterosexual black male, a gay white male, and a filthy hillbilly male walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here". The three men look at each other in confusion, turn to the bartender and say, "Which one of us are you talking to"? And that there my friends lies the question of the day ... Who was the bartender talking to?

The answer to this question will have many different answers depending on your own upbringing, beliefs, judgements, and what-not's. The…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 18, 2011 at 3:07pm — No Comments

It’s Raining Baseball Fans

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 12, 2011 at 3:30pm — 1 Comment

And Ode To The Slurpee

My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years

And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears

-

I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town

Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 11, 2011 at 5:13pm — 5 Comments

Your Fake Boobs Are Two Incredibly Beautiful Terrorists

What the hell is going on with TSA these days? A couple of months ago they were searching for bombs in baby's diapers, then they moved on recently to searching for bombs in a 90 year old's Depends Undergarment. But now ... NOW ... they're going to need to start fondling all the ladies with implants. Very smart TSA, VERY ... SMART IN-DEED! Now if you'll excuse…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 6, 2011 at 3:45pm — 2 Comments

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