Van Full of Candy's Blog – June 2011 Archive (14)

Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be so attentive to my needs, God I miss those days. Over the years you’ve changed. You started working out,…

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The safe, happy go lucky, fun, Americana days of television have decided to not lie dormant in our hearts as a great television series any longer. No, the wonderful show Happy Days has been recently infected with the long battled disease of HollywoodyWantyMoney Flu, and has decided to enter into the 21st century of jaded actors and frivilous lawsuits.

The epitome of the American family was…

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Good news everybody! It's still legal to suck disease straight down your throat, and it just got a whole lot sexier!



Word came down today that the smooth, rich flavor that just makes life worth living is now going to come in new, "edgier" goth doom packaging. Adorned in "labels that depict in graphic detail the negative health effects of tobacco use... the corpse of a smoker, diseased lungs, and a mother holding her baby with smoke swirling around them"…

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Dear Super-Hott Katy Perry & That Spiral Permed Douchebag Kenny G.:

I was so fuckin' pissed quite…

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Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick.

 

Footballman Tyree, famous for holding ball to his head doesn't want two men to legally do same under God.

A same-sex marriage bill is currently… Continue

So Montel William's television show, monotonously named, "The Montel William's Show" ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any…

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Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don't laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science'll be coming for your testicles next!

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Move over LeBron James, there's a new King in town, and he goes by the name "Dirk". This seven foot homeless man from Germany reeks of malt liquor, sleeps in alleys, but by dumb…

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Indestructible toilets ... finally!!!

Not only can these toilets from the future take the blast of a terrorist bomb, but I can finally piss on the lid and have absolutely no guilt.…

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New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, decided he was going to show his pee-pee to some ladies on the interwebs. Apparently he thought women…

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It’s no secret; if you own something, it’s plotting right now to kill you. It's true. If you haven't heard about the latest cellphone brain cancer epidemic, then you must have heard about the …

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It used to be that a huckster would rumble into town in a brightly colored wagon emblazoned with grandiose hyperbole about their stature and abilities. And the townsfolk, how they would flock to this charismatic charlatan, selling them something they thought they wanted, taking their "donations" for the promise of a better life and happier tomorrow. Then they would leave quietly in the night and the next morning the people would wake up, wonder who that wild eyed caricature was, why they…

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Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who's whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, unable to recognize even his closest loved ones as the thing growing in his head lurches one final time and mashes all that was him against the inside of… Continue

Holy freakin' Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, our Jetpacks have finally been made and are available for order…

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