Comedy Whirled

Van Full of Candy's Blog – June 2011 Archive (14)

Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch

Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be so attentive to my needs, God I miss those days. Over the years you’ve changed. You started working out,…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 29, 2011 at 2:25pm — 2 Comments

Sunday, Monday (Not So) Happy Days

The safe, happy go lucky, fun, Americana days of television have decided to not lie dormant in our hearts as a great television series any longer. No, the wonderful show Happy Days has been recently infected with the long battled disease of HollywoodyWantyMoney Flu, and has decided to enter into the 21st century of jaded actors and frivilous lawsuits.

The epitome of the American family was…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 27, 2011 at 2:22pm — No Comments

Can I get a Pack of Crusty Lung Light Menthol 100 Extra Slims Please?

Good news everybody! It's still legal to suck disease straight down your throat, and it just got a whole lot sexier!



Word came down today that the smooth, rich flavor that just makes life worth living is now going to come in new, "edgier" goth doom packaging. Adorned in "labels that depict in graphic detail the negative health effects of tobacco use... the corpse of a smoker, diseased lungs, and a mother holding her baby with smoke swirling around them"…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 21, 2011 at 5:29pm — No Comments

An Open Letter To Katy Perry & Kenny G. - "Last Friday Night"

Don't worry, I'll get those uncomfortable bottoms off of you soon enough!

 

Dear Super-Hott Katy Perry & That Spiral Permed Douchebag Kenny G.:

I was so fuckin' pissed quite…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 20, 2011 at 1:47pm — No Comments

Anarchgay in the USA

Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick.



Footballman Tyree, famous for holding ball to his head doesn't want two men to legally do same under God.

 

Footballman Tyree, famous for holding ball to his head doesn't want two men to legally do same under God.



A same-sex marriage bill is currently… Continue

Added by Van Full of Candy on June 16, 2011 at 3:35pm — 1 Comment

Montel Williams Wants To Get You Stoned

Let's make a smoothie outta this beotch

So Montel William's television show, monotonously named, "The Montel William's Show" ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 15, 2011 at 3:32pm — 1 Comment

Science Hates Your Balls: The War on Sperm

Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don't laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science'll be coming for your testicles next!



On your mark, get set, SPLOOGE!

On your mark, get set,…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 15, 2011 at 8:34am — No Comments

Drunk, Homeless, German Man Wins NBA Championship

How much King Cobra can I get with this?

Move over LeBron James, there's a new King in town, and he goes by the name "Dirk". This seven foot homeless man from Germany reeks of malt liquor, sleeps in alleys, but by dumb…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 13, 2011 at 3:27pm — 2 Comments

Your #2 Is NOTHING For Our New Toilets !!

No thanks, I'll just shit my pants tonight.

Indestructible toilets ... finally!!!

Not only can these toilets from the future take the blast of a terrorist bomb, but I can finally piss on the lid and have absolutely no guilt.…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 9, 2011 at 12:05am — 2 Comments

Wow! What A Wiener, Weiner!

I think the family photos in the background are a nice touch

New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, decided he was going to show his pee-pee to some ladies on the interwebs. Apparently he thought women…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 6, 2011 at 4:57pm — No Comments

Your Own Private Amityville Horror

It’s no secret; if you own something, it’s plotting right now to kill you. It's true. If you haven't heard about the latest cellphone brain cancer epidemic, then you must have heard about the …

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 3, 2011 at 4:51pm — 1 Comment

Sarah Palin: Professional Grifter

It used to be that a huckster would rumble into town in a brightly colored wagon emblazoned with grandiose hyperbole about their stature and abilities. And the townsfolk, how they would flock to this charismatic charlatan, selling them something they thought they wanted, taking their "donations" for the promise of a better life and happier tomorrow. Then they would leave quietly in the night and the next morning the people would wake up, wonder who that wild eyed caricature was, why they…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 2, 2011 at 2:12pm — 1 Comment

Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.

Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who's whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, unable to recognize even his closest loved ones as the thing growing in his head lurches one final time and mashes all that was him against the inside of… Continue

Added by Van Full of Candy on June 1, 2011 at 1:37pm — No Comments

I'm A Rocket Man !!

Early Jetpack Prototype : "Assburner 3000" - Could launch you 11 ft. in the air for approximately 6 seconds

Holy freakin' Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, our Jetpacks have finally been made and are available for order…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on June 1, 2011 at 12:11pm — 3 Comments

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