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Van Full of Candy's Blog (64)

From Rage Oranges To Shame Milk -- Family: Who Needs It?

"If I wanted to see mammals feeding their young with their own self producing lactic fluids I'd go to a god damned zoo and "Awww" at its adorable quaintness on the other side of plexiglass where it belongs! Now feed my wife this god damned hand pealed citrus or I'll murder every last one of us!"

Has this ever happened to you? If you have a family this kind of scene plays out to your horror each and every day until you're finally murdered for feeding someone the wrong produce. I've…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on January 12, 2012 at 9:22am — 1 Comment

Party People! You Win Some, You Lose Some: Headaches vs. Mistake Babies

This week has been an uneven one for those who like to party first and deal with party related consequences eventually. We at Van Full of Candy are known to be fans of both “Party” and “Consequences”. The first is fun, the second is hilarious and the combination of the two is often hilariously fun. That is, as long as those hilarious consequences of party are being felt by others. The amount of fun and hilarity one experiences as a result of party consequences is in direct…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on December 9, 2011 at 9:04am — No Comments

Meet CNN’s Newest Correspondent: Pec Flexman

I have a pretty steady routine when it comes to looking for things on the internet to yell at every other day on our webbed site internets log page. I have a few regular news sources that I scour for the most inane, ridiculous, mind rapingly dumb news stories of the day. Naturally I start right off the top with FoxNews.com. I usually have to look no further than our trusty friends at Fox to find something yell-at-able. Failing Fox’s usual failings, I then move on to Yahoo, or CNN, or any…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on November 8, 2011 at 2:36pm — No Comments

Which Angry, Hurtful, Bitter Lover Type Are You?

We’ve been seeing each other for a while now, 10 1/2 months is an eternity for most relationships. We like to think we’ve been a very attentive partner, but we know there’s been times when we’ve taken you for granted. It’s nothing conscious, it’s not because you’ve gained weight, we think that’s sexy, it means you’re comfortable with us. What we’re saying is, we’re taking this relationship seriously and are trying to take a look at ourselves, and see if this is going to work out.

I…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on October 18, 2011 at 2:51pm — 2 Comments

Lesbians Take Down Plane With Heat Seeking Kissle

“Get these monkey fightin’ lesbians off this Monday through Friday plane!”

 

The greatest threat to American air travel, right now, as I am typing this very important piece of internet fluffery, is not exploding shoes, or slightly larger than tiny bottles of shampoo, or the stinky guy. No, commercial air travel enemy number one, is lady kisses!

 …

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Added by Van Full of Candy on September 27, 2011 at 3:24pm — 2 Comments

One Million Moms Hate Balls

During the winter break of my Sophomore year at the University of Nevada, Reno (go fighting Soft Sixteens!) I took a backpacking excursion through the inhospitable wilderness of the South American rainforest. I hiked for nine days with my trusty guide Tuo Uu-nu Eepchak. I was but a fool child, ill prepared for the conditions I would face in these endangered woods. Tuo became more than a guide to me, through our perilous journey he became mentor, teacher, father, lover, and the night that he…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on September 23, 2011 at 2:19pm — No Comments

Movie Review: “Creature”

I’m sorry. I am so very, very sorry.

 

Let me explain…

 

What have I done? My god, what have I done?

What have I done? My god, what have I done?

 

I’ve reviewed a lot of things. I generally pick those movies and television…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on September 16, 2011 at 10:30am — 2 Comments

Get Your Digital Diddle On: It’s Only Natural

Birds do it, bees do it, even perverts in the trees do it. Let’s do it, let’s fuck online.

Chances are, if you’re on the internet (which as of this printing is still the only way that I know you could be reading this, though if you know of any others, please let us know), then you’re probably reading this with one hand in your pants, leisurely pleasuring yourself. That’s just a science fact. Because as you know, every new invention since the dawn of man has come about due to a need to…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on September 13, 2011 at 2:12pm — 2 Comments

Science: It's Not an Exact Science

Last week science made a wild ass guess about how many things exist and we were just supposed to let that shit slide...

What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?
What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?

A paper published last week by the scientific journal…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on September 1, 2011 at 11:46am — 1 Comment

AAAHHHHHH!!! (Apocalypse Edition: Parte the Somethingth)

It’s the end of the world! Oh sweet Jesus who up until this very moment when you might actually be of some use to me, I have heretofore ignored and denied, IT’S THE END OF THE MONKEY FIGHTING WORLD!

 

Don’t believe me?! Well fuck you! ‘Cause it’s real Jack! You’re dead! I’m dead! We’re all fuckin’ dead and we don’t even know it! But I do! I know it! You don’t, but I do! I know it! I know it and now you know it! So fuckin’ disregard the first part of this statement! Because now…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on August 2, 2011 at 2:00pm — 3 Comments

Van Full of Candy traded to Jacksonville


Apparently, an actual team...

Apparently, an actual team...

 

With the NFL lockout finally coming to an end this week,…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 29, 2011 at 4:10pm — No Comments

Amy Winehouse: Sobered to Death!

What is the only thing more dangerous than washing down a quart of vodka with a gallon of gin? NOT doing that exact thing.

 

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Amy Winehouse, VOICE of a TENTH of a generation and general pile of human mess,…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 28, 2011 at 2:25pm — 4 Comments

4 Foot Vajayjay On Marilyn Monroe Sculpture (Porno Edition)

All I need is a ladder and I can get my carkeys.

So this weekend was big for the former actress known as Marilyn Monroe. Not only did the classy city of Chicago erect a 27 foot "upskirt" statue of Marilyn in…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 25, 2011 at 3:43pm — 1 Comment

Burn Baby, Burn! (Hitler Inferno)

Human beings have kind of a sick obsession with dead bodies.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a monster, I get that the rapidly decaying, lifeless corpse over there used to belong to someone you had some fondness for. But at no point forward will that bio degrading fleshy mound of used ta was, ever do anything again that it used to do when previously possessed by the life force of who ever they aren’t anymore. Tickle it all you’d like, it ain’t never gonna giggle that unmistakable…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 21, 2011 at 3:46pm — 2 Comments

Yeah! Rub Your Pie All Up In My Face, Mmmmm !!

 

During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the "news" on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping'ness. I realized that a good ol' "pie in the face" has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting "pied" is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine enemies.…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 20, 2011 at 3:23pm — No Comments

Run Nessie! They Done Shot Chupie!

There are so many unknowns in this world. So many things that live with us every day, unseen, thought lost or having not even yet been discovered by man. The great mysteries of the world we live in intrigue us every day, push explorers toward the outer reaches of our understanding and beyond. What is it about these great, elusive creatures that sparks the imagination, drives the soul and compels us to shoot them in the fucking face?

 

El Chupacabra is dead, long live El…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 19, 2011 at 4:24pm — 2 Comments

Better Get Your 'Gaydar' Fixed !!

A heterosexual black male, a gay white male, and a filthy hillbilly male walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here". The three men look at each other in confusion, turn to the bartender and say, "Which one of us are you talking to"? And that there my friends lies the question of the day ... Who was the bartender talking to?

The answer to this question will have many different answers depending on your own upbringing, beliefs, judgements, and what-not's. The…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 18, 2011 at 3:07pm — No Comments

It’s Raining Baseball Fans

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 12, 2011 at 3:30pm — 1 Comment

And Ode To The Slurpee

My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years

And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears

-

I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town

Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 11, 2011 at 5:13pm — 5 Comments

Your Fake Boobs Are Two Incredibly Beautiful Terrorists

What the hell is going on with TSA these days? A couple of months ago they were searching for bombs in baby's diapers, then they moved on recently to searching for bombs in a 90 year old's Depends Undergarment. But now ... NOW ... they're going to need to start fondling all the ladies with implants. Very smart TSA, VERY ... SMART IN-DEED! Now if you'll excuse…

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Added by Van Full of Candy on July 6, 2011 at 3:45pm — 2 Comments

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