You have ruined my life. Because instead of taking control of my own actions, I’m going to blame you, inanimate object, for all my shortcomings in life. I’ve given you a list. Now fix it! All of it!
1. If I defriend a person, it’s because I don’t want them to see my shit anymore! Or I don’t want to see their fucking shit anymore!
Yeah, whatever, maybe it was childish to defriend that boy that I used to love, but I was getting sick of…Continue
“So I took a pregnancy test to calm myself down, and then got my period two days later.”
“Natalie, why are you telling me this?”
“Because you wanted a close and open relationship with your daughter and that is what you got, god damnit! And it was stressing me the fuck out!”
“Don’t say god damnit.”
“And you are getting on the pill immediately, god damnit!”
As some of you may know, the pill freaks me the fuck out. Come on. It…Continue
So per usual, my life is a joke and I just end up participating in the weirdest conversations because my face does seem to have that, “Why yes, I would love to actively participate in a conversation about shaving preferences for both man and lady junk at a playground on the upper east side” look to it.
Basically, a couple of days ago, I was on a play date with four other moms, one of which I nanny for, and somehow by some unknown power we had no control over we got onto the topic of…Continue
I really don’t get my life. It’s confusing, it’s weird, and quite honestly it always smells slightly like beef lo mein.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Well, I’m not complaining at this particular moment, but I just have to know… am I alone in this situation?
For example, the amount of male attention I attract just does not equate with my physical features. Okay, maybe it does a little , I’m pretty fucking cute, god damnit! Then pair that cuteness with some…Continue
Added by natalie paige on May 2, 2012 at 7:19am — No Comments
I am not a normal person. I am aware of this fact. I have been well aware of this fact since I was four and single-handedly got all siblings banned from fields trips at my brothers school while my family lived in Seoul.
In my four-year old defense, yah don’t put the four-year old version of myself (or any version of myself really) in front of a never-ending table of gingerbread house ingredients and expect those ingredients not to end up in my mouth.
There are a few facts in…Continue
Added by natalie paige on April 16, 2012 at 7:24am — No Comments
Well alrighty then! Just check out... The Final Edition !!!!!!
And you know if I'm saying its funny, then it definitely is.
They've also got a radio show guys and gals! Here's just a snip of their awesomeness:
Well hello, rock bottom. We’ve got to stop meeting like this.
I can’t wait until I’m a fully functioning adult, but to be quite honest I don’t think that day is ever going to come.
I lost my wallet Monday night, because yes that is what happens when you don’t eat anything, drink at the apartment, then go out and drink more at a bar.
You will soon find yourself drunkenly stumbling to…
I am so sick of getting a sore throat, perusing WebMD for a good two hours, only to self-diagnose myself with rabies. Now I’m stuck with the task of trying to talk myself out of this obviously rational thought.
Have you ever been inside my head, WebMD? It’s not fun is it? And yeah… I haven’t figured out why it’s so sticky yet either.
So stop telling me I’m going to die, WebMD! Or that I’m pregnant,…
I'm basically about to ruin any chance with any dude that ever found me remotely cute.
1. I buy mayo in economized sized vats as big as a horses head.
2. I used to like Vienna sausages.
3. I've had sex with a dude named Mordecai.
4. I still like Vienna sausages.
5. I've eaten a whole birthday cake in one sitting.
6. I am almost always half-naked while eating....it's really the only way to thoroughly enjoy food.
Added by natalie paige on September 23, 2011 at 5:43am — No Comments
Penises have always, always confused me. And when I say confuse, I kind of really mean that I have always been jealous of any person with a penis. You people with your penises; you live a charmed life.
But alas, no matter how long I chased after this “fairy tale” life. I was never able to capture this wanting. No, this need, to pee standing up.
It happened when I was seven. I accidently walked in on my brother in the bathroom, and there he was. Peeing and…Continue
No seriously, do I?! Because I got asked to give some dude a blow job while walking through central park…in broad fucking daylight.
My favorite part of this whole situation was I had just come from an interview… I was in a fucking pencil skirt, for Christ’s sake!
His asking price, you ask? Ninety-one dollars.
….you couldn’t scrounge up nine more dollars to make it an even hundred, eh big spender?
And lets not forget that I this…Continue
I hate the moments when I realize that why yes, in fact I am a girl.
…like when I can’t open a pickle jar without one of those old lady finger pad thingies…or when I realize that I have no clue how to properly use lighter fluid…OR when I look down at my legs and I don’t see a penis dangling in between my hairy legs….
Side note: Dude, if I had a penis…I’d play with that shit all day long. I’d jerk it…do card tricks with it…turn it into a lasso, and try to…um…lasso shit…hit…Continue
Me: Oh dear god…I never want kids.
Mom: No you’ve got to pop out at least one so you don’t get breast cancer.
“I wonder what would happen if I farted into my i-phone’s voice recognition.”
Mom: Your father and I are apart of the NPL.
Me: What the fuck is that?
Mom: National porn league.
“I’m a fan of doggy.”
“You want to know the secret to a successful marriage?…Continue
It’s so hard to know what’s kosher to say with this generation, what with the P.C. police acting like the S.S. nowadays.
And I think the world would be a better place if we would just admit that we all are a little racist.
Every time a W.A.S.P. whispers, “I don’t see color” an angel dies.
Seriously, it’s true. Just like when it thunders angels are bowling and when there is a sun shower the devil is beating his wife. This is how science…Continue
My biggest fear if I ever become a successful comedian with my own television special (now this wouldn’t be for a long time seeing as I still need to do the whole “stand-up” part) is the inevitable fact that some guy I’ve screwed is going to be flipping through the channels, recognize my face/shrill voice/cankles, turn to the first person next to him, whether it a roommate/stranger/cellmate and say:
And now, it’s not really the guy I screwed…Continue
…for example: Zany Natalie…..Spunky Natalie…fuck off.
2. Talk down to me.
Here’s the thing…I’m not retarded…I went to college…I got a degree… I know a general amount about a shit ton of topics…I watch a lot of news (local and national)… so you assuming that I don’t know that Daoism and Buddhism are two completely religions is pretty much going to end in passively aggressive comments directed at your penis…Continue
My parents have been happily married for 33 years…disgusting, I know. Every time they kiss in my presence I want to vomit (and I usually do).
True love is so 90s, yet they seem immune to the social norms of our society…lame.
But what really confuses me is the adverse affect this situation has seemed to have had on my general psyche; my parents 33 years of happy fidelity has produced a “fear of…
…I get that…and quite honestly it’s the world that’s got an issue…not me.
But come on! It is way to hard to jump on that “I want to lead a healthy lifestyle” bandwagon when you can literally buy ice cream/tacos/tiny polish sausages wrapped in torillas and topped of with bacon bits and a dollop of mayo out of a fucking wagon….and for only a buck too! Well…a $1.50 if you order extra mayo.
And I’m sorry, but any bandwagon that can spray nacho cheese directly into…Continue