July 2011 Blog Posts (27)

Those Were Different Times #147: The Multipliciting!

Introducing:

Using fabulous "stereo vision"  I will now attempt to show you both the front AND BACK cover of Baby Lu-lu's "Baby Lu-lu".  Enjoy. Enjoy.  (sorry still tuning the technology) (sorry still tuning the technology)

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Resuts:

Resuts: (sorry)

... and the "Captain Obvious" award goes to:

Watch that first record.  It's a…



Apparently, an actual team...

With the NFL lockout finally coming to an end this week,…

What is the only thing more dangerous than washing down a quart of vodka with a gallon of gin? NOT doing that exact thing.

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Amy Winehouse, VOICE of a TENTH of a generation and general pile of human mess,…

For the sheer sake of seeing Schadenfreude followed by Schrödinger I present the following:

Schrödinger's Cat: A cat, along with a flask containing a poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box shielded against environmentally induced quantum…

Those Were Different Times #146 The Endurening!

Introducing: "THE MYSTERY TREND  SO GLAD i FOUND YOU"

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Resutls:

12. Given these fellas' proclivities, that should read, "SO GLAD I FOUND EWE".

-MacSpruce (awwww)

11. The Mystery Trend is banging women

and not telling your orgy-buddies.

-theDIRTYmidget

10. I'm picking up bad…

So this weekend was big for the former actress known as Marilyn Monroe. Not only did the classy city of Chicago erect a 27 foot "upskirt" statue of Marilyn in…

Human beings have kind of a sick obsession with dead bodies.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a monster, I get that the rapidly decaying, lifeless corpse over there used to belong to someone you had some fondness for. But at no point forward will that bio degrading fleshy mound of used ta was, ever do anything again that it used to do when previously possessed by the life force of who ever they aren’t anymore. Tickle it all you’d like, it ain’t never gonna giggle that unmistakable…

During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the "news" on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping'ness. I realized that a good ol' "pie in the face" has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting "pied" is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine enemies.…

There are so many unknowns in this world. So many things that live with us every day, unseen, thought lost or having not even yet been discovered by man. The great mysteries of the world we live in intrigue us every day, push explorers toward the outer reaches of our understanding and beyond. What is it about these great, elusive creatures that sparks the imagination, drives the soul and compels us to shoot them in the fucking face?

El Chupacabra is dead, long live El…

Those Were Different Times #145: The Returnening!

Introducing: "Minitel Rose THE FRENCH MACHINE"

Results:

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... and the "Dark Side Approved Funk Award" goes to:

-ian renga

10. Music to listen to while fucking a warm, empty Brie…

A heterosexual black male, a gay white male, and a filthy hillbilly male walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here". The three men look at each other in confusion, turn to the bartender and say, "Which one of us are you talking to"? And that there my friends lies the question of the day ... Who was the bartender talking to?

The answer to this question will have many different answers depending on your own upbringing, beliefs, judgements, and what-not's. The…

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance…

My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years

And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears

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I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town

Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color…

I hate the moments when I realize that why  yes, in fact I am a girl.

…like when I can’t open a pickle jar without one of those old lady finger pad thingies…or when I realize that I have no clue how to properly use lighter fluid…OR when I look down at my legs and I don’t see a penis dangling in between my hairy legs….

Side note: Dude, if I had a penis…I’d play with that shit all day long. I’d jerk it…do card tricks with it…turn it into a lasso, and try to…um…lasso shit…hit…

One afternoon while crawling in traffic I noticed a person walking a black Standard Poodle on the sidewalk.  I thought about how often people claim the particular breed as being exceptionally intelligent and decided to test this theory using only telepathy.  (It is important to relay the fact that I was wearing sunglasses at the time and was two lanes…

Okay, so I go to the doctor last week, because I've been feeling a little puny.  A might pekid, you know?  Lack of energy.  Okay, let's cut to the chase, my libido has lambadaed on out of me.  No sex drive whatsoever.  There, I said it. 

Now, like any typical male, I'm used to thinking about sex about every 10-12 seconds.  But no sex drive at all?  Kinda weird.  I figure, well, I guess I'm just getting older.

A friend had suggested that maybe it was low…

Me: Dear Facebook, I would like to deactivate my account.

Facebook: Are you sure you want to deactivate your Facebook account? All of your friends are really going to miss you.

Me: Yes, I'm sure.

Facebook: Okay, but first you have to provide a reason. This is required.

Me:…

What the hell is going on with TSA these days? A couple of months ago they were searching for bombs in baby's diapers, then they moved on recently to searching for bombs in a 90 year old's Depends Undergarment. But now ... NOW ... they're going to need to start fondling all the ladies with implants. Very smart TSA, VERY ... SMART IN-DEED! Now if you'll excuse…