Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be so attentive to my needs, God I miss those days. Over the years you’ve changed. You started working out,…Continue
The safe, happy go lucky, fun, Americana days of television have decided to not lie dormant in our hearts as a great television series any longer. No, the wonderful show Happy Days has been recently infected with the long battled disease of HollywoodyWantyMoney Flu, and has decided to enter into the 21st century of jaded actors and frivilous lawsuits.
The epitome of the American family was…Continue
Added by Van Full of Candy on June 27, 2011 at 2:22pm — No Comments
Here's a little tale I wrote. Enjoy!
This is the story of Ole Shep, yes, Ole Shep. He was a Retriever (yella they say) who belonged to a farmer by the name of George Peterson, down in Walterhill, Tennessee. Well just…
It’s so hard to know what’s kosher to say with this generation, what with the P.C. police acting like the S.S. nowadays.
And I think the world would be a better place if we would just admit that we all are a little racist.
Every time a W.A.S.P. whispers, “I don’t see color” an angel dies.
Seriously, it’s true. Just like when it thunders angels are bowling and when there is a sun shower the devil is beating his wife. This is how science…Continue
Yesterday morning while getting ready to go to work, it seemed the clock was stuck on 6:26 a.m. I messed around for what felt like several minutes, and glanced back at it again. Still 6:26. I finally sat down and just stared at it. I began to wonder if time had really stopped for me. Finally, after what seemed like minutes later, it changed to 6:27. Then, in no time at all, it was 6:35, and I had to hustle not to be late for work.…Continue
Good news everybody! It's still legal to suck disease straight down your throat, and it just got a whole lot sexier!
Word came down today that the smooth, rich flavor that just makes life worth living is now going to come in new, "edgier" goth doom packaging. Adorned in "labels that depict in graphic detail the negative health effects of tobacco use... the corpse of a smoker, diseased lungs, and a mother holding her baby with smoke swirling around them"…
Added by Van Full of Candy on June 21, 2011 at 5:29pm — No Comments
Dear Super-Hott Katy Perry & That Spiral Permed Douchebag Kenny G.:
so fuckin' pissed quite…
Added by Van Full of Candy on June 20, 2011 at 1:47pm — No Comments
Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick.
Footballman Tyree, famous for holding ball to his head doesn't want two men to legally do same under God.
So Montel William's television show, monotonously named, "The Montel William's Show" ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any…Continue
Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don't laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science'll be coming for your testicles next!
On your mark, get set,…
Added by Van Full of Candy on June 15, 2011 at 8:34am — No Comments
Move over LeBron James, there's a new King in town, and he goes by the name "Dirk". This seven foot homeless man from Germany reeks of malt liquor, sleeps in alleys, but by dumb…Continue
Indestructible toilets ... finally!!!
Not only can these toilets from the future take the blast of a terrorist bomb, but I can finally piss on the lid and have absolutely no guilt.…Continue
Those Were Different Times #144
Introducing: DAVID CASSIDY "THE HIGHER THEY CLIMB"
Incredibly late results:
16. Obviously there are strings holding him up.
(Strings of boy magic!)
15. ... the more their brains are starved of oxygen and the more delusional they become about the relevance and importance of pretty boy pop stars in the wider world.
(Is he flying to the…
In yet another shocking turn of events in the ongoing Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal, the congressman’s penis has come forward to take responsibility for the risqué messages.
“I can say, with certitude, that I sent those pictures, and they…Continue
Added by Ryan on June 7, 2011 at 6:20pm — No Comments
"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.
People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel?
Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all…Continue
Governor Jeb Bush and Congressman Anthony Weiner have joined forces in a run for the White House. The ticket will be referred to as the Weiner-Bush ticket! More to come later.
Coming very soon is an app/program called iMod®. It will enable idiots to sound literally credible when tweeting their bullshit as well as protect celebrities from themselves. The comment self-moderation tolerances will be adjusted to fit the user's profession. A comedian's will be at 1 or 2 filter strength. …Continue
Added by Ian on June 6, 2011 at 7:30pm — No Comments
My biggest fear if I ever become a successful comedian with my own television special (now this wouldn’t be for a long time seeing as I still need to do the whole “stand-up” part) is the inevitable fact that some guy I’ve screwed is going to be flipping through the channels, recognize my face/shrill voice/cankles, turn to the first person next to him, whether it a roommate/stranger/cellmate and say:
And now, it’s not really the guy I screwed…Continue
New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, decided he was going to show his pee-pee to some ladies on the interwebs. Apparently he thought women…Continue
Added by Van Full of Candy on June 6, 2011 at 4:57pm — No Comments