Comedy Whirled

May 2012 Blog Posts (28)

Shaving preferences down thurrrrrr...

So per usual, my life is a joke and I just end up participating in the weirdest conversations because my face does seem to have that, “Why yes, I would love to actively participate in a conversation about shaving preferences for both man and lady junk at a playground on the upper east side” look to it.

Basically, a couple of days ago, I was on a play date with four other moms, one of which I nanny for, and somehow by some unknown power we had no control over we got onto the topic of…

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Added by natalie paige on May 31, 2012 at 10:25am — 2 Comments

Reasons why giant sugary drinks may be banned in NYC

Giant, sugar-crazed cockroaches.

Giant, sugar-crazed rats.

Giant, sugar-crazed mobsters.

Giant, sugar-crazed housewives of Jersey Shores shopping.

Giant, sugar-crazed nudists.

Giant, sugar-crazed Methodists.

Giant, sugar-crazed Jews for Jesus.

Giant, sugar-crazed Vegans.

Giant, sugar-crazed toddlers.

Giant, sugar-crazed Yankees.

 

Added by KariGrant on May 31, 2012 at 6:49am — 6 Comments

Things That Are Arranged

Marriages,

Flowers,

Furniture,

Body parts,

Bug collections,

Plastic Army men,

Payments to the court,

Hostage exchanges,

Funerals,

Transportation to Mars,

Added by KariGrant on May 31, 2012 at 6:36am — 9 Comments

Those Were Different Times #175: The Hypnobration!

Those Were Different Times #175: The Hypnobration!

Introducing: "INTRODUCING AN EXHILARATING TECHNIQUE STOP smoking by COLE"

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Results:

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and the Un-Freaking Believeable You Magnificent Bastard" award goes to:

-MacSpruce



3.…

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Added by mellowpuma on May 29, 2012 at 10:00pm — 6 Comments

Things That Need [an] Iron(s)

Poor blood,

A golf ball,

Starched shirts,

Pancakes,

Pig molds,  

Jeremy,

Welders,

Boilermakers,

Unidentified cattle,

Blacksmiths,

 

 

Added by KariGrant on May 29, 2012 at 12:00pm — 21 Comments

Other Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds

Flowers make you open a run-down hotel in India.

Plants cause your alcoholic mother to show up at the science fair.

They take over your okra bed.

Spent blossoms turns earthworms orange.

They develop killer gams.

Turns Man-in-the-moon gay.

When worn around the neck, blossoms cause old people to move into the rundown hotel.

Pollin turns aspirin into Viagra.

Makes butlers expose money laundering records.

You wheeze more.

Added by KariGrant on May 27, 2012 at 8:33pm — 16 Comments

The Best and Worst Examples of Legally Changing Your Name...

Some of us willingly elect to burden ourselves with a name that makes everyone who meets you want to travel back in time and punch your mother in the ovaries. Others, however, are pure win. See if you can guess which categories the following fall into.

The Worst:

Having been saddled with a…

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Added by Sean Warhurst on May 26, 2012 at 12:37am — 4 Comments

Yard Stars and/or Scientists or Writers

Lawn Cheney,

Humphrey Bogyard,

Patio’Brien,

Louis Pasture,

Irving Lawnmuir,

Edwin H Land,

Christopher Field,

Lawnie Anderson,

Eva Lawngoria,

Rudyard Kipling,

Added by KariGrant on May 25, 2012 at 9:19pm — 60 Comments

Places the Amazing Race probably won’t ever visit:

Island of Dr. Moreau

Valley of the Dolls

LaBrea Ishtar Pits

The Mayo Clinique counter

The Forbidden Titties City

The Moulin Rude

The Chaz Mahal

Dracula’s Condo

Palm Sunday Islands

Great Wall of Fiestaware

Added by KariGrant on May 24, 2012 at 8:15pm — 22 Comments

Secrets of Cuba’s Boxing Success

They have better cardboard.

They use strong strapping Tape.

Tight fitting lids.

Tropical climate is good for the Styrofoam peanut plantations.

Bountiful Bubble Wrap.

Tissue Paper made from old revolution handbills.

Employees are allowed to work in Boxer shorts.

Easy to read labels.

No weight limit makes it easy to ship your loved ones.

Burp seals.

Added by KariGrant on May 24, 2012 at 7:49pm — 8 Comments

Welcome to Hockeywood

What’s going on in LA…eh?

Okay, here is a hockey joke you may not have heard…Does anybody know the difference between frequent flyer miles and the Los Angeles Kings? Answer: Frequent flyer miles earn points. But…

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Added by Jams3kds on May 23, 2012 at 6:24pm — 4 Comments

PETA

PETA Condemns Santa Claus



PETA Condemns Santa Claus

Thursday, May 23, 2012 5:42 a.m. EST

(North Pole -- WKZO -- The People for the Ethical Treatment of…
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Added by toofpick on May 23, 2012 at 2:43am — 1 Comment

Online Dating For Adult Personals

Why men and women seeking partners for the relationship? I'm talking about single men and women who desire a residence that is not marriage. Relationship is best placed in a marital coalition, but to keep away from total dependence, defeat and legal harassment men and women prefer to have a life in relationship rather than being merged into the marital ties.

This trend is increasing day by day and almost all countries, including Australia. I myself have encountered many…

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Added by Skye Louise on May 21, 2012 at 11:30pm — 5 Comments

Other Things Brides Can Carry

Sometimes you can make bouquets out of other things, like...

Froglegs,

Pepperolies,

Skewered Shrews,

Flowerettes made of Viagra,

Fireman’s Axes,

Fig Newtons,

Glow sticks,

Bucket o’ Buds,

Night Crawlers,

Laytex Gloves,

Added by KariGrant on May 20, 2012 at 3:13pm — 19 Comments

New Summer Olympic Sports

Hadron Super-colliding,

Bunker Archery,

Goodminton,

Noseball,

Gymnasties,

Kayaking of the Dead,

Helena Boxing,

Basketball Weaving,

Synchronized War,

Table Fencing,

Racket Tiering,

Added by KariGrant on May 20, 2012 at 2:59pm — 27 Comments

BREAKING NASA NEWS

BREAKING NEWS (source in small part: http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/news/news.cfm?release=2012-138)

(NASA announced a recent survey has counted approximately 4,700+/-1500 Potentially Hazardous Asteroids hurling at or near the Earth. “The new results come from the asteroid-hunting portion of the WISE mission, called NEOWISE. The project sampled 107 PHAs to make predictions about the entire population as a…

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Added by KariGrant on May 18, 2012 at 8:00pm — 6 Comments

Less Effective Laundry Additives:

I can’t in good conscience recommend these:

 

Clothes pins,

Starches and other Carbs,

Yo-yos,

Spray-and-stink,

Recycled Mojitos,

Garden Gnomes,

Draft,

Goreox,

Oxycontin,

Turds and/or Gummy Bears,

Added by KariGrant on May 17, 2012 at 12:01pm — 13 Comments

Surprising possible new Slurpee Flavors

Splenda flavors for summer include:

Splenda in the grass,

Dingle and Rawberry,

Busted Cherry Whine,

Candygram for Mango,

Tinkle Time,

Weiner Whip,

Sugar-Free Pizza,

Nipple-Free Melons,

Melon-Collie,

Lemon-zest Toffee,

Added by KariGrant on May 14, 2012 at 10:00am — 29 Comments

Those Were Different Times #174: The Drunken Consultationabration!

Those Were Different Times #174:  The Drunken Consultationabration!

Introducing: "John Bult - Julie's Sixteenth Birthday"

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Results

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And the "Budic Koan Which Reduces The Universe Into The Immutable Feeling Of a Metal Ball Accruing In The Belly" award goes to:

You see Julie, the body is merely a vessel, oneness of the mind, such as we have is what counts...dont you…

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Added by mellowpuma on May 13, 2012 at 8:00pm — 15 Comments

Possible reasons for Colony Collapse:

The Pilgrims were not very good carpenters.

Too many Witches; not enough Hazel.

Many of the Pilgrims caught the Colony Clap.

John Wayne was born too late to tell them, even though he wanted to.

There were thirteen colonies. Thirteen is an unlucky number. Perhaps if they had stopped at twelve…

Really? It’s about bees?? Sorry. My bad.

You can only take so many orders from a Queen.

Two possibilities: Killer Bees and Killer Tomatoes.

Eull…

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Added by KariGrant on May 12, 2012 at 1:50pm — 28 Comments

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