I'd Buy That For a Dollar!

I was watching In the Heat of the Night(1967) and heard Virgil say that Sam couldn't have driven two cars at the same time.

As Rod Steiger pondered this rarely-contested fact for a moment it dawned on me.   It is quite easy to drive two cars at the same time as long as you have about 30 feet of PVC pipe, 100 ft of 8 gauge steel wound wire and one roll of Gorilla Tape.  For ease of control the wires on the driver's end would be attached to a couple of hard-rubber handles controlling steering, gas & brakes:

WARNING:  Do not attempt this on the open road.  However, if you happen to live in the middle of Australia go ahead and have fun.  And, just like with remote control helicopters it's best to start out with inexpensive vehicles until you dial in the controls.

In the wake of today's collision, sources close to sources close to sources close to the Lohan camp revealed that her handlers have contacted the Special Effects Department at Disney in an effort to secure several of the 'Herbie' Volkswagens that were featured in  Herbie Fully Loaded (2005).

One of the heavily-reinforced cars is equipped with ground-breaking accident avoidance technology that was first used on the Mars Rover ten years ago.  Both cars will also feature Google's new Blind Driving Computer.  "All the cars have a limiter at 210 mph," Herbie's handlers said, "otherwise they could lose control.  But they're death-proof up to 400 mph.  So we're confident she'll be alright."  Google could not be reached for comment. 

   Considering the hundreds of eyewitness accounts in South America of a giant flightless bird and the fact that much of that country has yet to be explored with modern surveillance equipment it is practical to assume that there are still birds out there that could bite our head off.  When we sit down and eat our bird this coming Thursday it's important to realize just why it tastes so good.  When the hunted finally get to eat the hunter there is a sublime molecular response, a sense of total gratification.   Thousands of generations were afraid to go outside without their dogs nearby.  Some even had panthers and tigers to protect them from becoming Diatryma feed, though that elitist method would backfire from time to time for obvious reasons.  

   Today when we give our cats and dogs the giblets and the dark meat we're actually thanking them for thousands of years of protection.  We pay them tributes just like in the Godfather.  So Thanksgiving is a day of thanks on many levels, besides the obvious ones, which include being thankful for Law & Order on TNT and the Snuggie®.

Payback is a…