WE'RE READY TO RELIEVE YOU

In the wake of today's collision, sources close to sources close to sources close to the Lohan camp revealed that her handlers have contacted the Special Effects Department at Disney in an effort to secure several of the 'Herbie' Volkswagens that were featured in  Herbie Fully Loaded (2005).

One of the heavily-reinforced cars is equipped with ground-breaking accident avoidance technology that was first used on the Mars Rover ten years ago.  Both cars will also feature Google's new Blind Driving Computer.  "All the cars have a limiter at 210 mph," Herbie's handlers said, "otherwise they could lose control.  But they're death-proof up to 400 mph.  So we're confident she'll be alright."  Google could not be reached for comment. 

   Considering the hundreds of eyewitness accounts in South America of a giant flightless bird and the fact that much of that country has yet to be explored with modern surveillance equipment it is practical to assume that there are still birds out there that could bite our head off.  When we sit down and eat our bird this coming Thursday it's important to realize just why it tastes so good.  When the hunted finally get to eat the hunter there is a sublime molecular response, a sense of total gratification.   Thousands of generations were afraid to go outside without their dogs nearby.  Some even had panthers and tigers to protect them from becoming Diatryma feed, though that elitist method would backfire from time to time for obvious reasons.  

   Today when we give our cats and dogs the giblets and the dark meat we're actually thanking them for thousands of years of protection.  We pay them tributes just like in the Godfather.  So Thanksgiving is a day of thanks on many levels, besides the obvious ones, which include being thankful for Law & Order on TNT and the Snuggie®.

Payback is a…

For the sheer sake of seeing Schadenfreude followed by Schrödinger I present the following:

Schrödinger's Cat: A cat, along with a flask containing a poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box shielded against environmentally induced quantum decoherence. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the cat. The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics implies that after a while, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, we see the cat either alive or dead, not both alive and dead.

Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment, usually described as a paradox, that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger devised in 1935. It illustrates what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects. The thought experiment presents a cat that might be alive or dead, depending on an earlier…

One afternoon while crawling in traffic I noticed a person walking a black Standard Poodle on the sidewalk.  I thought about how often people claim the particular breed as being exceptionally intelligent and decided to test this theory using only telepathy.  (It is important to relay the fact that I was wearing sunglasses at the time and was two lanes from the sidewalk)  I thought 'If you're so smart you'll read my mind and come here to my car now.'  Without hesitation the large dog started to pull his owner into the street as he tried to reach my car. 

The owner managed to restrain the dog and get him back onto the sidewalk without incident.  I consider this proof that Standard Poodles are at the very least extremely keen observers, as it's fair to suspect that the dog read some of my inevitable facial micro-expression cues and decided in a split second that I was worth further investigation.

My gut told me the dog was an above average

telepathic receiver.   Next come the Goats. 

At most, it's proof once again that telepathy

is like a muscle that gets stronger with practice:

(pyro telekinesis is thought to be an acute extension)

Click the link for a great article on the subject:…