OPEN MIC
Comment
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Comment by PHUKUHP on August 30, 2010 at 8:49pm
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Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.
Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: What do you call 20 female hippies in a sauna?
A: Gorillas in the mist.
Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.
Did you hear about the stoners that locked their keys in the car ? It took them two hours to get out.
Q. How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?
A. You pass him a joint.
Q. What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A. A pot belly
Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs ?
A. Double jointed.
Two stoners are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other i sure wish i could do that. The other stoner says you better get to know him better first.
Q. How do fish party ?
A. Seaweed.
Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A. Malnutrition.
Q. What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A. A Liar.
Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
Stoner good fortune: When you are cleaning your room and find some hooch you forgot about.
Stoner Pick-up Line: Hey i have a 9 inch joint.
You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
There is a thin line between love and hate. Its starts about halfway through the joint.
Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of good pot.
Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ? A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.
Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios ? A: He thought they were donut seeds.
Two stoners were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One stoner says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.
The stoner went to a bar. He has'nt had any nookie in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie. She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle. The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda.
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There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.
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This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"
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Comment by bcdarr on August 30, 2010 at 4:30pm
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Whenever I see the elderly being taunted by a bunch of kids I can't help but smile because I know they've just received God's greatest gift - a child's laughter.
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Comment by Shag on August 30, 2010 at 12:54pm
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My wife asked me if I smoked after sex...I said "I dunno, I never checked"!
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There once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He whipped out his penis,
And woke with a hand full of Goo!
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Comment by Gerhardguffaw on August 30, 2010 at 8:21am
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I get no respect. I went to an ATM to withdraw money and it said "I owe them!"
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I get no respect. I asked a woman for a date and she said April 23rd.
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I get no respect. The other day I used a drive thru and ordered a milk shake. When I reached the window the cashier shook her breasts at me.
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I get no respect. I called a pizza shop and asked if they deliver and they said "yes....but for you we'll make an exception."
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Comment by Tom O'Brien on August 29, 2010 at 9:07pm
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Any out-of-towners here tonite? You, sir, where're you from? Oh, (town name), a lot of smart people come from there.
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A REDNECK WALKED INTO A RIVER...
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Comment by grizz (Raymond J. Carrington) on August 29, 2010 at 8:14pm
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This man walks in a bar with a stovepipe hat on. He sets at the bar and takes off the stove pipe had and sets it on the bar. The bartender noticed this green slimy alien growing out of the mans head. The bartender asked, "How did that get there?"
The Alien replied, " It started out as a bump on my ass."
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Comment by Stephen Holthouser on August 29, 2010 at 1:33pm
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I'm an art dealer, which seemed like a great idea until I realized I confused art with pcp. Lots of shady people have been coming to my house lately. but good news, if anyone wants to buy some art i'll meet you behind the dumpster after the show.
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Maybe I'm an optimist, but I believe mankind will eventually destroy itself. I said, maybe I'm an 'optimist' not a f***ing dictionary!
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You know it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if your thrust capacity is less than .9 G's and your fuel quotient is... wait, maybe it does.
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Muslim Cleric fly into a building... what? Too soon?
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A bum came up to me the other day and said he hadn't eaten in 3 days. I couldn't believe he ruined such an easy lead in. F***ing bums!
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Comment by Mofo Stro on August 29, 2010 at 10:26am
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I met this girl and her name was Katrina, I felt bad that that she shared a name with a national tragedy. So I introduced myself as September 11th. We hit it off like a plane into a building. Turns out this was a family tradition, her grandpa, 1906 Earthquake, fell in love with her grandma Pearl, Harbor. But that's not all, she has a son, One Night Stand Back When I Was A Drunken-Whore.
Well this is called open mic so I commented something I came up with earlier today...
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Comment by Codename: Spydergirl on August 29, 2010 at 7:32am
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Mic testes . . . Mic testes . . . Mic's testes!!!! screeeeeeeeeeeeeeccccccchhhhhhh!
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